Steven Friedman, Ph.D., ABPP

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Preparing the Couple for Marital Intimacy

This issue of Klal Perspectives raises the question of whether newly married couples across the Orthodox spectrum are experiencing increased marital difficulties, as manifested in sharp increases in the rates of divorce. A number of possible factors have been cited for this increase. One view is that the Orthodox community needs to introduce additional marital preparation efforts in the area of marital intimacy because of young people’s increased exposure to popular culture, books, media and the Internet. This increased exposure may have created false and dangerous expectations, as well as contributed to compromising a couple’s ability to relate to each other as real people. In addition, the idea was raised that post wedding communal guidance and mentoring programs be established to address the many challenges currently confronting young couples. This article will address the issue of whether there is currently, in fact, adequate preparation of newlyweds for “marital intimacy.”

Background Information

Research of all sorts has been sadly lacking in the “frum community.” As a psychologist who has specialized in the treatment of marital and sexual dysfunctions, I find that the paucity of research and empirical data on marriage in the Orthodox community limits our understanding of our community’s particular difficulties. Even the widespread assumption that the divorce rate has increased sharply among newly married couples is merely anecdotal, and not well documented or understood. And if the divorce rate is actually rising, is this increase due to unprecedented challenges? Or is it due instead to the willingness among today’s generation to end their marriage when they find they are not compatible and the economic capability they have to do so? Are couples more rapidly divorcing because their marriages are worse than in prior eras or simply because of a reduction in the stigma of divorce? In the absence of empirical data, arguments tend to be made from one’s own limited experiences, biases, and prejudices –hardly the basis of responsible communal decision-making. For example, assertions that increased Internet usage is linked to poor marriages are quite likely overly simplistic, or just plain false.

Understanding what contributes to a “good marriage” or to “satisfactory marital intimacy” is extraordinarily complex. Only with thorough assessment and empirical research can recommendations be made that may be helpful.

The comments below draw upon my experience in private practice for over thirty years in treating sexual and marital difficulties in the Orthodox Jewish community. Orthodox Jews, of course, comprise a spectrum of distinct subgroups, each with their own culture and beliefs, as well as distinct attitudes towards marriage, sexuality, reproduction, modesty and the openness to counseling and/or mental health treatment. These comments and suggestions are unlikely to apply equally to all subgroups.

Couples Currently Seeking Help

There have been a small number of clinical papers over the years (Ostrov, 1978; Ribner, 2003; Ribner & Rosenbaum, 2005; Blaise and Faber, 2001) that have studied the issues presented by Orthodox Jewish clients seeking help for sexual problems. These papers were written for a mental health audience and were intended to educate non-Jewish and/or non-religious professionals about the particular nuances of working with Orthodox couples. One of the consistent findings of these clinicians was that the overwhelming majority of cases related to difficulties in physically consummating their relationship. Orthodox couples rarely seek treatment relating to a lack of enjoyment.

Halachically, both spouses to a marriage are responsible for ensuring the other’s desire for intimacy. The mitzvah of onah, translated literally as “time,” refers to a husband’s obligation to provide sexual satisfaction to his wife on a regular basis (with the frequency depending on the rigors of his occupation). My professional experience is that many young Orthodox couples are simply unaware of this dimension of the marital relationship. They are often unaware that there are many components to the mitvah of onah, such as giving the wife pleasure through foreplay.

Preparation of couples for intimate contact after marriage falls upon chosson and kallah teachers, who prepare the groom and bride, respectively, for their upcoming marriage. Typically, the focus of this preparation is on the halachic aspects of intimacy, often with only minimal discussion of its practical and psychological aspects. Moreover, there appears to be little communal management of the selection or designation of these teachers. In some Hasidic groups, they are clearly chosen by the Rebbe and/or communal leaders; in other subgroups, individuals are simply self-designated, often being referred simply based on the reputation they may have developed. Some Modern Orthodox communities rely on the rabbi of the community to prepare the couples. In either case, there is often minimal training for playing this critical role, and the teachers are most often not prepared to address the more subtle dimension of the physical and psychological aspects of intimacy.

In preparing a recent paper (currently under review), I reviewed forty-one consecutive Orthodox Jewish couples whom I had evaluated and treated for issues of marital intimacy. This data warrants a brief summary because it represents important implications for how Orthodox couples are prepared for marriage. Eighteen of the couples were of Hassidic background, sixteen were “Yeshivish” and eight identified as Modern Orthodox. Prior to their being counseled, the length of each couples’ marriage ranged from three months to eight years (with an average of 2½ years of marriage). The men’s average age was 25, ranging from 19 to 42, and the average age of the women was 23½ years old, ranging in age from 19 to 39. Twenty-nine of the forty-one couples were referred by rabbinical or community leaders. Only seven were referred by physicians, while five were referred by other mental health therapists.

Consistent with the studies referenced above, the primary presenting problem for twenty-seven of the forty-one couples was for an “unconsummated” marriage. The average length of the marriages with this issue was close to two years (ranging from three months to four years). The other fourteen couples who presented with sexual problems or dissatisfaction but had consummated their marriage had been married for an average length of four years – ranging from eight months to eight years.

In nearly all the cases, the couple identified their problem as primarily attributable to the husband. Interestingly, upon completion of my assessment and evaluation, it became apparent that in roughly half of the couples, both partners actually had some difficulty in intimacy issues. Another significant finding was that the brief psychiatric assessment that I conducted revealed that many (twenty-three of the forty-one men, and fifteen of the forty-one women) suffered with additional psychiatric difficulties that existed prior to marriage. These findings highlight some important issues. In the frum community, couples generally refrain from seeking guidance for intimacy issues from either rabbonim or mental health professionals, unless they are having trouble consummating the relationship. Even in such cases, the delay until they actually seek professional mental help can be quite long.

The primary reasons cited by these couples for the long delay was that they did not feel comfortable discussing their intimacy issues with their chosson or kallah teachers, thereby delaying their referral. Those who did discuss their problem with their teachers often believed that they were given inadequate advice on how to proceed and that the teacher took too long to refer them for competent professional help.

Chosson/Kallah Teachers

Couples seeking my help have confided that they were very reluctant to disclose their difficulty to their chosson or kallah teacher due to a sense of shame and embarrassment. Those with an unconsummated relationship felt that they were the only “couple in the frum world” to experience this difficulty. A limited number did consult their chosson or kallah teacher, who shared some suggestions. When the couple found the suggestions unhelpful, it left them only more confused. Even when they reached out to a teacher, the couple never met with the teacher together. In fact, it became apparent that the chosson and kallah teachers were not adequately prepared to address the intimacy issues that arose.

Once problems are encountered, the young couple, especially the husband, may also turn to their Rosh Yeshiva or Rav for further guidance. It is not clear whether these rabbanim and/or Roshei Yeshiva are adequately equipped to serve the role they are often called upon to play. Rabbanim and Roshei Yeshiva who counsel young couples – especially those who continue to be a primary mentor for their former students – would benefit from specialized training on issues of marital intimacy.

Chosson/Kallah Training

Courses must be introduced to assist chosson and kallah teachers in including certain additional dimensions of intimacy training in their lessons. The community has undertaken training efforts to raise the sophistication in their field of others playing critical communal roles, such as rabbeim and teachers, and the same needs to be introduced for chosson and kallah teachers. These courses must train these teachers in a basic understanding of human (both male and female) physiology and “normal and abnormal” sexual responses.

In addition, it would be helpful to establish a standard protocol in which all couples are routinely called by their chosson and kallah teachers after marriage. These calls, at perhaps one month and again three months after marriage, should inquire as to how the couple is doing and should be fashioned in a way that would reduce the shame and embarrassment of any problem they may be confronting. These teachers should also be prepared to refer couples to professionals, if and when appropriate. Of course, this training should train teachers in distinguishing between minor issues that should be worked out among the couple and those that require professional intervention. This type of specialized training should be made available to rabbanim and Roshei Yeshiva as well.

Explaining what is “Normal”

Prior to marriage, young couples must be taught what is considered “normal intimate behavior” in a newly married couple. While the message delivered may vary among segments of the community based on different standards, each community must seek rabbinical guidance as to what couples should be taught is normal.

In every community, it is essential that couples receive guidance about how to communicate with each other about intimacy, and about basic physiology, including how to please each other. Discussions should be broached regarding the range of frequency at which intimate contact is appropriate. And of course, teachers must teach the relevant halachos, including which behaviors are clearly permitted, which are clearly forbidden, and which, if any, may be frowned upon though not forbidden or avoided by those seeking greater holiness.

As noted above, today’s youth often have extensive exposure to intimacy-related ideas before marriage – and often from non-Torah sources. As a result, it is common for couples to have discrepant ideas about intimacy. Chosson/kallah teachers must prepare the couple for this possibility.

Increased Clarity

Teachers must also be trained to understand that many young people may be reluctant to admit that they do not truly understand the new concepts and ideas being conveyed. Many of the young men and women that I have seen over the years are confused regarding intimacy issues. They frequently mislabeled body parts or acts, and are even unable to describe their own experiences and sensations. Teachers must be provided with language that is appropriate for frum Jews, yet sufficiently clear and descriptive.

As part of this training/education, some use of simple explicit drawings, such as rabbinically-approved schematic line drawings (while avoiding explicit pictures or videos), may be helpful. Various approaches may be unacceptable to certain segments of the community while fully appropriate for others.

Psychological and Social Challenges

As referenced above, it is inevitable that some students of chosson and kallah teachers will be suffering psychological difficulties prior to their marriage. Often, those with these challenges manifest particular issues in the realm of intimacy. Chosson and kallah teachers need to be trained to identify these individuals and they must either be capable of addressing the extra needs of these students, or of referring them to those qualified to do so. Some individuals simply need more help than the average chosson or kallah class can provide. Identifying young couples at risk, and offering additional guidance and help before marriage, would be helpful in limiting problems after marriage.

Many men, especially from the Hassidic spectrum, have had limited social contact with any members of the opposite gender. In fact, they may never have related to women outside their immediate family at all, especially if they did not have any sisters. These issues need to be adequately addressed prior to marriage.

Physical Interaction

There is a subgroup of couples who do present for help in enhancing their pleasure. Some of these couples have complained that the positive aspect of marital intimacy was never emphasized to them. They often experienced their premarital preparation as a series of “don’ts.” There is another subgroup of couples (how frequently this occurs is not currently known) whose difficulties may be due to “unrealistic expectations” that they have absorbed through exposure to popular culture and the Internet. Couples need to understand that intimacy can be pleasurable but that it also carries the responsibility to be considerate of their partner’s desires, wishes and fears. Perhaps teaching young couples that “intimacy” begins before the “mitzvah,” through warm words and gestures (that help people feel closer to one another) should also be part of chosson/kallah classes.

Effects of Therapy

My own experience, consistent with that of other therapists who specialize in intimacy issues in the Orthodox Jewish community, is that when the presenting problem is for an unconsummated marriage, the overwhelming majority of couples achieve this goal successfully. Results for other intimacy issues can respond to many treatment options.

Couples with intimacy issues should seek out help and not be content with an unsatisfactory intimate life. While this paper is based on my own experience in treating a wide spectrum of Orthodox couples in the New York City area, I look forward to hearing other contributors’ experience, as well as the give and take on these issues that may develop.

Steven Friedman, Ph.D., ABPP is Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry, SUNY Downstate Medical Center.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Neil Weissman, PsyD

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Preparing To Build A Bayit Ne’eman – with Mirrors, Ladders and Windows: A Premarital Counseling Experience

“Shetivnu bayit neeman b’yisrael.” We bless our children that they “should build a secure and reliable home in Israel.” A “secure and reliable” Jewish family home requires a strong and sturdy marital foundation based on genuine love, mutual respect, acceptance and dedicated effort that is contextualized within a clear, committed and shared religious framework. But, how well prepared are our young men and women to undertake this most essential of roles and tasks? Does our community have an effective approach to teaching and inculcating the necessary relationship and communication skills? A more thoughtful consideration of how to prepare our children can only improve the shalom bayis in each and every home. Chazal state, “Ein kedusha bli hachana” – there is no holiness without preparation. What could be holier – and thus need more preparation – than a couple about to enter into their personal kiddushin?

It is often noted wistfully that during the period of engagement, more time, expense and attention are devoted to preparing for the wedding than preparing for the marriage. Yet even the most beautiful, joyful, exhilarated dance-fest of a wedding does not necessarily translate into a successful, lifelong marriage. As the couples and their respective families invest in wedding planning, it is equally critical that time and expense be set aside for guidance to ready the couple to build their own bayit ne’eman. Pre-marital counseling must be part of every couple’s engagement experience. This essay will open the curtain on the counseling experience, presenting one approach to premarital counseling along with the essential issues worthy of the attention of every newly engaged couple.

The first phone call a therapist receives typically involves a version of the kallah calling and stating, “We recently got engaged and even though our relationship is, Baruch Hashem, 100% fine, our Rav still recommended we get counseling before our wedding. I am not sure why. Can you tell me what we will discuss so I can inform my chassan?”

Not surprisingly, most couples are naïve about what a counseling experience is like and often nervous about the encounter. They perceive the therapist as a “relationship judge” who will either stamp their marriage as “approved” or “rejected.” Others may be concerned that the therapist will ask personal questions that will be awkward and uncomfortable and that may “rock the boat.” Some couples will simply go through the motions – showing up at the counseling sessions merely to check off “attend premarital counseling” from the long list of pre-wedding tasks. But there are also couples who are eager to learn about themselves and their partner, who seek to sharpen their relationship skills and have a positive shared experience with their betrothed.

Regardless of the initial attitude of the participants, the therapist’s goal for each couple is to provide a designated and emotionally safe time during which they can focus without distraction on their precious relationship and prepare together for their shared, lifelong journey.

The Relationship Toolkit

The tools necessary to prepare a solid marital structure include “mirrors,” “windows” and “ladders.” Mirrors are needed to reflect on one’s own true, inner feelings, needs, concerns and behaviors. Ladders provide a higher perspective from which to observe the relationship, and each partner’s contribution to that relationship. Using a well-placed ladder, the couple may also perceive the family context that frames each marital partner’s sensitivities and expectations. And windows allow marital partners to “look into” the lives and hearts of their spouse.

The First Session: Polishing Mirrors

A well-polished mirror provides the clearest picture of oneself. In this initial session, the couple is encouraged to appreciate the value of honest self-reflection. Each individual is directed to notice and consider their own pertinent thoughts and feelings. The couple is enjoined to consider, and to articulate, who they are and whom they want to be as a couple.

In the initial moments of the first session, it is important that the couple be presented with the ground rules of counseling – in particular, the commitment of the therapist to protect their confidentiality. To allay the anxiety born of uncertainty, the therapist also explains the process and typical goals for the counseling. Most importantly, the therapist asks the couple what they hope to get out of the sessions, thereby engaging them in the collaborative component of the experience. Counseling of any type is a partnership between the attendees and the therapist, and not something done to someone.

The couple is then invited to tell their “story,” including the shidduch process, their dates, how they reached their decision to commit to one another (and, of course, the details of the proposal). Typically, by this time the couple begins to feel more relaxed. The therapist will then make a direct inquiry, asking the couple to describe what attracted them to one another. This question provides an opportunity to express aloud, and to one another, what each values about the other. If physical attraction is not mentioned, the therapist will ask whether that is also one of the reasons for attraction. The goal of this rather personal inquiry is to highlight to the couple that it cannot be assumed that your partner knows what you value in them. Moreover, this particular question indicates that physical aspects of a relationship can and should be discussed openly, albeit sensitively and respectfully, since the absence of physical attraction is cause for concern, as it can compromise marital satisfaction.

The couple is then asked to identify their “relationship strengths.” The implication of this inquiry, which is explicitly stated, is that couples benefit from thinking of their relationship as an entity in itself that requires attention and consideration, and which is the synergistic result of both of their contributions. Marriage, the couple is reminded, is a partnership, and each partner has the duty, the privilege, and the  ability to shoulder responsibility to make it work.

Having established a positive framework, the therapist asks what stressors the couple has contended with, what their individual styles of coping may be, and how have they coped together as a couple. The couple is also asked to consider how they handle differences of opinion and conflict. This last topic allows the therapist to note whether there are imbalances of power and control in the relationship.

The gentle, respectful and curious attitude of the therapist allows the couple to reflect more consciously (and sometimes self consciously) on themselves and each other – in other words, to “polish the mirrors” and “open the windows.” As noted, the interactions in the session also provide the therapist with insight into how effectively the chassan and kallah can express their views, feelings and needs to each other, and how skilled they are at listening and attending to the views of their partner.

The chassan and kallah are then asked to articulate their “vision” of marriage and the values they hope will guide them. This allows for the therapist to identify whether they share a vision, or whether there is discordance between them. It also provides an opportunity to educate the couple about the central need to create a “secure attachment” to each other – meaning, that each partner should feel that the other is always there for them and will care for them. Counseling thus serves as an essential teaching moment that can provide the skills and attitudes that can help fulfill these aspirations.

To assess the quality of their connection, the couple is given a questionnaire designed to reflect their feeling of being heard and responded to by their fiancé. The first session concludes with the notion that many of their expectations regarding the roles and responsibilities in marriage are actually unstated and assumed, and are often rooted in their upbringing. Before they leave, the couple is given a second questionnaire to complete prior to the next session, to help clarify their assumptions about these roles and responsibilities.

Session Two: Climbing the Ladder

An essential skill for maintaining a healthy relationship is the ability to know when and how to seek a more informed  perspective on a dynamic in the relationship, as if  climbing a ladder to get a better view of what is really happening. This higher view can provide information and insight that are obfuscated when individuals are mired in the complexity or emotional intensity of the moment. In the second session, the couple begins to ascend the perspective ladder, considering  the past experiences and influences that shape their current sensitivities and future expectations.

This session picks up on the topic of expectations in roles and responsibilities, exploring the influences on each individual of their family and upbringing. In a non-judgmental manner, the couple is asked to consider the infrastructure of their parents’ homes – who managed the money, who managed the household, who cooked, cleaned, planned vacations, disciplined, nurtured, was the breadwinner, helped with homework.

On a deeper level, the couple is encouraged to describe their parent’s models of expression (or lack of expression) of affection, respect, anger, etc.. How did their parents manage conflict? How did they express and manage emotions? Even more personally, the chassan and kallah are asked to consider how secure they felt in their home. Who could they turn to for support and attention? This discussion may reveal significant areas of concern such as abuse, addictions, psychiatric problems, marital infidelities or disappointments and emotional injuries in their relationship with parents or significant others.

The couple is also asked to consider what their roles were – and currently are – in their families. Were they the peacemaker, the caregiver, the only child whose needs were always prioritized, the troublemaker, or perhaps the quiet one who was often ignored? The couple is asked how they expect their background to influence their expectations – whether positively or negatively – and to reflect on how their earlier experiences may impact on potential or current sensitivities, needs and vulnerabilities. Once these feelings and  potential sensitivities are revealed, the partners are encouraged to turn to their fiancé and convey these sentiments to them directly. Such moments are often deeply emotional. The couple learns how to communicate with each other more intensely, often resulting in a unique bonding moment. Indeed, actualizing this type of vulnerable communication fosters a deeper and more resilient connection.

Final Session: Opening the Windows

The benefits of accurate self-reflection and gaining a more informed perspective are most valuable for those who are able to share openly and clearly with one another. As the couple opens their respective windows, allowing their partner to enter into their hearts and minds, they take their first steps toward true emotional intimacy. The final session focuses on the often emotionally-laden issues relevant to marriage and addresses the communication (window-opening) skills necessary for successful connection.

This session is set aside for “special topics,” such as religion, lifestyle expectations, income and money management, shared activities, in-laws and extended family relationships and the couple’s physical intimate relationship. Of course, all of these topics can be complex and worthy of extensive conversation, and often are. As in the prior session, many of these issues will take more time to address and to resolve. The couple is advised that the intent of the session is to chart a course and to bring to their attention the important areas worthy of further discussion and consideration.

In this session, the role of therapist is to not only address the content of the discussion but, more importantly, to facilitate and shape “a way,” a process and model of interacting such that each partner feels heard and understood. Hopefully, the views of each partner will tend to be congruent with the other, but there certainly will be times when their views do not align, and this session seeks to provide guidance in managing these discussions successfully.

The couple is given a crash course on essential communication skills, including those of expressing concerns openly and tactfully. The value of listening attentively, actively and empathically is reinforced. The couple is guided to address their differences patiently, carefully and compassionately, with respect for the views and feelings of the other. They are reminded that the primary value in marital discussion is connection – not winning the argument. The counseling session provides the opportunity to exercise some of these skills, enabling the couple to feel more confident in their partnership and/or to become aware of the need for more practice and guidance. Often, the therapist will suggest selected, well-regarded readings on marriage for future reference.

The couple is then asked to revisit their vision of their marriage, based on the discussions that took place in these sessions. Hopefully, they will be able to raise their mirrors and recognize themselves more fully, pull out their ladders to gain perspective, and have open windows for their partner to see in.

Other useful tools which can summarize key ideas from the sessions are offered, such as the “watering can” to nurture the relationship and to attend to its continuous growth, a whistle, for calling “time-out” when tensions flare and arguments escalate, and a “safety box,” where cherished memories and loving moments are kept such that these true gems of marriage can be held, admired and protected.

Some people discover that there is more to discuss with the therapist and decide to continue with additional sessions. All are encouraged to meet with the therapist a month or so after the wedding to review their experiences once their life together is no longer theoretical. All are also encouraged to continue to reflect on their relationship, their patterns of interacting, their expression of needs and their responsiveness to one another. Couples are encouraged to tend to their connection always and – with G-d’s help and chessed, and with their newly refined skills – to build and maintain a “bayit neeman b’yisrael” – a home of security, mutual interdependence and love.

Neil Weissman, PsyD, a Clinical Assistant Professor in Psychiatry at the University of Maryland, is a licensed psychologist with a private practice specializing in couples’ therapy.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Yitzchak Schechter, PsyD

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Creating a Resting Place for the Shechina: Ideals, Expectations and Reality in Marriage

Marital integrity, happiness and success are fundamental to the Jewish community, and indeed to any organized society and community. The concept of zachu shechina beneihem[1] is not only a spiritual statement of God’s Divine presence, but also a symbolic formulation of the psychological and relational impacts of shalom bayis.

The spousal dyad is the central grouping of the family and the building block of the communal system as a whole. The marriage dynamic is the context for the parent-child relationship, and is the model by which, and through which, children learn the most basic truths about themselves, their world and their place in it – including their relationship with Hashem. The concept of shlosha shutfim be’adam[2] is not merely a reference to conception and birth; parents partner with G-d throughout a child’s developmental stages, as he grows up to become himself.

From my perspective as a clinical psychologist and as the clinical director of a large behavioral health clinic serving the needs of the full spectrum of the Orthodox, Yeshivish and Chassidish communities, the marital core and its challenges are among the most pressing issues facing the community, as a stressed and under-performing marriage can be the cause of many family and community ills.

Notwithstanding the growing number of “relationship improvement programs” being offered within the community from professionals and paraprofessionals, we are still far from addressing this issue adequately and effectively. To be clear, this is not due to the lack of genuine effort, but rather reflects the fact that the issues of successful marriage are inextricably linked to the array of complex, nuanced, and pernicious systems issues that the community faces and has yet to solve. Presented below is an approach to some of these broader issues and the impact they are having on our communities. Hopefully, this article, and this issue of Klal Perspectives, will trigger a dialogue that leads to practical solutions, both from short and long term perspectives.

Research and Empirical Data

As suggested by many commentators, including authors in the first issue of Klal Perspectives, a responsible approach to communal challenges must be premised upon meaningful research and data. As a maturing and increasingly sophisticated community, it is critical that we evolve from reliance solely on intuition-based models of decision making to an emphasis on empirically-based models that can inform leadership’s decision making.

Reliable research should not be confused with the arcane number crunching taking place in the sterile halls of the ivory tower of irrelevant academia; rather, research must be an accessible engine that can revitalize the hallowed institution of marriage. This requisite investigation can create, through comprehensive needs analysis and careful diagnosis, a real-life action plan for couples in our community.

Given the cohesive and organized nature of our community, prospective research and its translation can be exceedingly powerful. For example, through using the interconnectivity of the community and its many touch-points (e.g. yeshivas, kollel, mikvah, kallah teachers, shuls, schools/pre-schools, and community organizations), we can create a marriage-wellbeing surveillance and support network, akin to the best of what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has done for health[3]. Empirically-developed questionnaires that are simple and focused can be used as a newlywed screening system to test for the stress fractures in marriage, leading to quick intervention when necessary. This is one way our tight-knit communal network can actualize its function of areivus and mutual support[4].

Influences and Unintended Consequences

Communal steps to better prepare young adults for marriage must consider and evaluate the variety of influences that impinge on the marriage experience. Marriage is the insulating unit that forms the basis of family and community, but it is not built on lofty ideals alone; there are many insidious, extrinsic factors that affect marriage. Some of these factors are externally generated while others are internal, communal influences.

The most oft discussed are the external influences of general culture from non-Torah sources – most notably those attributed to the Internet and media exposure. These intrusions impact the core values of developing youth and young couples, by shaping their images of marriage and their conceptualization of love, attraction and sexuality. Appropriately, a great deal of focus is placed on these forms of influence.

While focus on such external influences is crucial, we as a community must also be conscious of elements from within our own communal system that are potentially harmful, and/or which require attention. The nature of our community, and many of its attendant practices, can sometimes influence the way marriage is structured and experienced in a less than ideal manner.  Even some practices that are wholly justifiable, if not very important, contain negative implications, falling within the well-known rule of unintended consequences. These consequences must be recognized and addressed.

A significant example of internal, unintended yet seriously negative influences relates to decision making in shidduchim. For example, our soon-to-be-released study (Ehrenpreis and Schechter, 2012) found that there are significant differences in Body Mass Index weight categories in a sampling of self-identified Modern Orthodox, Modern Yeshivish and Yeshivish women. Prior to the release of the study, researchers, clinicians, and educators were surveyed for their predictions of any differences that might be found between women of the different socio-religious categories. Many surmised that the Modern Orthodox sample would be lower in weight due to increased exposure to media and the “Hollywood” ideals of thinness and beauty. Others predicted that the Yeshivish sample would lean towards thinness, due to the pressures of shidduchim. In actuality, the Yeshivish and Modern Yeshivish groups were skewed towards thinness to a statistically significant degree. More important than the socio-religious comparison, this finding potentially highlights that unique internal systems (e.g., shidduchim) can have even greater influence than external ones (e.g. media exposure).

Obviously, great importance and many values are associated with the community’s system of dating.  But what, to a large degree, began as a practical system, now represents the prevailing cultural and institutional norm, and, moreover, has been imbued with spiritual and religious value. There was no directive of gedolai Yisroel to shape the shidduch system so that it should be precisely as it is, such as the set of questions to be asked. Similarly, many other particulars of the community’s internal processes are also products of ad hoc and non-deliberate development (e.g. selection criteria for yeshivas, wives working as they do, etc.).

A common example of a positive practice having unintended consequences on marriage stems from the Orthodox community’s significant emphasis placed on tzniyus, gender-separation and kedusha in matters of sexuality and intimacy. For some, attitudes about marital and sexual intimacy may, at times, be overly influenced by this intense communal focus.   Of the large numbers of people who present with problems in their intimate relationships (whether sexual or interpersonal), many are likely suffering from excessive inhibition, and lack a basic comfort level with their bodies and drives.

Having correctly understood that modesty is a great value, those with particular personality styles may internalize the Torah values of modesty in a manner that imposes a generalized discomfort with physical and sensual pleasure. Experiencing normal urges and natural arousal – even when appropriately channeled – may create tension, as intimacy and sexuality, by their very nature, require a psychological and physiological disinhibition and relaxation. Thus, an individual uncomfortable with “letting go” in mind and body has a severely diminished capacity for emotional and physical intimacy. Many of our young people find this expectation and aspiration to be counterintuitive, and perhaps even antithetical to their implicit (and often explicit) training.

Another, related, consequence of our community’s intense training of its youth is the frustration of many individuals’ capacity to have personal experiences. Our community encourages children to accept the “correct” beliefs, both in terms of what they should think and what they should feel. Proscribed beliefs, feelings and attitudes, and the demands for acceptance of these inclinations, can, at times, supplant personal experience, displacing genuine feelings and mood states.

Furthermore, the urgent sense of obligation to comply with lofty Torah imperatives, or to live up to aspirational models of mussar and self-growth, may lead some to deny their actual yet imperfect tendencies and emotions and become alienated from themselves. They are convinced that being an oved Hashem (servant of G-d) requires ridding one’s self of all negative feelings, urges, instincts and reactions but, as we are taught in Mishlei, yodea tzaddik nefesh behemto (the righteous understand their animal soul – 12:10)[5]. A healthy person must own, experience and struggle with his or her feelings and emotions rather than succumb to the platitudes of hollow and disingenuous denial. At times, the individual must reject the incongruous “baruch Hashem” in favor of a more honest but pained “eicha?! (how could this happen?!)”[6]

Owning one’s personal experience – the good, the bad and the ugly – is not only essential for healthy growth as a person and as a Jew, it is also critical for marriage. To enjoy a successful marriage, we are forced to engage with another who sees us as we really are, without the mask of distance. Vulnerability, in fact, actually serves as the greatest evidence of trust and security, as well as strength. Efforts to hide or suppress genuine feelings are rarely successful, since such feelings surface inevitably, whether through direct communication, reactivity, or otherwise. Furthermore, when family relationships are based on “what should be,” rather than on “what is,” they become disingenuous, or even hypocritical, and emotionally disconnected, resulting in ultimate disappointment and an unsustainable situation.

Moreover, children are the keenest of observers, and can quickly identify the type of person an adult really is, whether as a parent or as a spouse. They are especially adept at perceiving authenticity and hypocrisy. The “do as I say” approach is utterly transparent to adolescents, who readily reject it (to the great disappointment of adults).

Another possible example of unintended internal influences that may impact the married lives of couples is a divergence between boys’ and girls’ educational systems, even as far back as elementary school. Boys’ schools (especially in the more yeshivish circles) focus on the primacy of learning Torah above all else. This educational model values the academic and intellectual rigor of shakla ve’tarya (give and take), chiddushim (creative thinking) and charifus (sharpness), as well as kushiyas (questioning), upshlugging (disproving) and the rischa de’oryasa (fiery passion of Torah) in a way that may devalue other forms of personal expression, emotional experience and interpersonal domains (e.g. plays, non-academic creativity, sports). Together with this single-minded focus may come sharpness in discourse, an inclination toward potentially harsh, authoritarian discipline and a tendency toward elitism.

Girls’ education is radically different. First, girls’ education includes the development of an appreciation of social interactions, experiential learning, cooperation, creativity and expressing talents in both academic and non-academic domains (e.g. plays, dances, chesed, G.O.). Furthermore, girls are not encouraged to engage in the same elitism, and certainly not the same adversarial and caustic forms of debate and intellectual confrontation promoted in in the education of boys.

When educators of boys and of girls get together, there is often discussion of this gender gap and speculation about how it may translate to different worldviews and expectations during marriage. Looking at the world through the distinct lenses of shakla v’tarya and rischa d’oryasia for the boys vs. respect, cooperation, personal experience and growth for the girls can certainly contribute to the difficulty in communication that challenges many frum couples at the start of marriage.

These differences certainly do not necessarily lead to difficulties in communication, nor is this observation intended as a critique of an educational system that successfully focuses on the primacy of Torah. But these distinct backgrounds must be addressed and efforts must be made to ensure that these factors do not unintentionally impede spouses’ ability to appreciate each other’s experiences and views.[7]

Expectations, Ideals and Challenges

Another source of marital stress is the common tendency of couples to begin their married life with unreasonable expectations and to allow those illusions to drive their marriage and family goals. Often, young husbands and wives become beholden to the ideal images of their perception of those around them, setting themselves up for failure. The elusive ideal, not reality, has become their standard for comparison.

These ideal images span a wide range of life dimensions: “My spouse and I should be happy and joyful at all times,” “My children should all love learning more than anything else,” or “be sweet and well-disciplined and at the top of their class,” or, commonly, “We will have the same spiritual and material blessings as our neighbors.”

As a composite illustration of this hope, a young couple will imagine their perfect Shabbos table, with the radiance of the holy Shabbos permeating their home as he, the proud baal habayis, recites Kiddush with utmost kavanah (concentration), and as she, the gracious baalas habayis, having prepared a glorious seuda, beams with pride throughout the meal, as all the gorgeous children sit with blissful obedience, listening quietly to, or reciting, many thoughtful divrei Torah.”

Ultimately, however, reality will set in, as children are hardly known for accommodating such dreams. As healthy children, they will bicker during Kiddush, fidget during divrei Torah (if they stay at the table at all) and don’t seem to do much of anything with blissful obedience. Moreover, mother and father, exhausted from a hectic week and last-minute Shabbos preparations, will often come to the table with feelings of inadequacy in their struggles – for parnassa, in learning and in child-rearing – and frustrated at the shattering of their sublime image. If they fail to shed their unrealistic dream of the “ideal” Shabbos, this couple will almost certainly suffer the loss of joy in Shabbos and beyond – and their children will suffer all the more. Rather than mourning over fleeting and unrealistic ideals, couples must overcome the disappointment, learn to recognize and adjust to their realities, and embrace and celebrate the blessings they have.

In a very different, but increasingly common situation, my staff and I confront the distraught, young wife who has recently discovered that her husband, whom she believed to be – and who indeed is – a serious ben torah, has at some point been exposed to inappropriate images on the Internet. She is jolted by the discovery and seeks to reassess her relationship with her world. Confronting disappointment in one’s spouse may appear in even more subtle situations. A young wife may discover that her husband is not quite the masmid (committed student of Torah) or oved HaShem (servant of G-d) she had expected him to be, or a husband finds that his wife is less capable of managing stress than he imagined, or that she is less attractive to him than she was while dating.

A significant impediment to successful marriage is the inability to adjust when reality deviates from expectations, and unanticipated challenges arise – especially for those who are the source of a challenge. How do we respond if life is different from the idyllic image created for us by our communal imagination? Will we be able to embrace a realistic and affirming model and to fulfill the verse ki nafalti kamti; ki eyshev bachosech Hashem ohr li (When I fall, I will rise up; when I sit in the dark, Hashem is my light – Micha 7:8).

This is a critical developmental challenge for couples – one young people are not sufficiently prepared to address.

Form versus Substance

Interrelated with several of the earlier discussions is the struggle to avoid choosing form over substance. This challenge, of course, confronts all community members, but plays a particularly acute role at the advent of marriage.

In any community, those focusing on serious goals – whether religious, social, material or spiritual – must live up to demands and expectations in order to achieve and maintain those aspirations. In our community, most of our communal ideals emanate from a substantive core of religious values and spiritual yearning. Over time, however, vitality and idealism can be lost in the practical steps being implemented to achieve the goals. The individual who gets stuck in the practical structure can forfeit the cause, with the entire effort becoming an empty and hollow shell of its ideal self.

Marriage is no different. Though the goals of marriage may be lofty, the intense efforts necessary to achieving these goals risk serving as a distraction to the goals themselves. How often have we observed that even the choice of spouse and the wedding preparations fall into this trap? For many, unfortunately, getting married has become divorced from being married.

Navigating challenges in a successful marriage requires flexibility, forbearance, genuineness and cooperation. Yet for many, these building blocks of a life partnership are incidental as they seek a spouse, with checklists stressing instead (at times exclusively) appearance, body type, yeshiva/seminary attended or hyper-specific hashkafas (approaches to Judaism). These factors, of course, bear little on the joys, tribulations and success of marriage in the real world. There is no checklist for a loving marriage – it is crafted out of connection and shared experience.

It is not just the young couple that falls into this trap. Many parents, as well, undertake the goal of marrying off their children with little thought about how the marriage will unfold[8]. For some, the parental role is solely to get the child to the chupah, with insufficient attention to the personal details or to preparing for the wellbeing of the child from that point on. One parent, whose nine married children all suffered exceedingly conflicted marriages, rebuffed a therapist’s recommendation with: “You can’t tell me what to do. I got nine kids married; obviously I know what I am doing” (as if merely effectuating a child’s wedding is evidence of parental wisdom).

When marriage is treated as merely an automatic step on the social escalator of community accession, is failure not to be expected? Where is the room in this process for personal experience, responsibility and growth? If a young couple, either individually or as a couple, want something or experience something different from their friends and neighbors, how do they find the fortitude to chart their course orsolve problems?

Children in our community are guided in their transition from physical separation to sexual intimacy. They understandably cannot be expected to achieve that transformation spontaneously. Similarly, our children must be guided in embracing emotional closeness with their new spouse, as well as the attendant psychological and personal experiences.

As one newly married individual articulated the needed approach, “I don’t want to just play house – I want to know what to do and how to do it as a mature and responsible adult.” Learning what is right is not just relying on community guideposts or informal surveys of friends – it is an internalization of the deep values instilled by parents, family and an education system, that must be maintained even when it runs counter to community expectations.

Body without soul is, of course, not unique to marriage. It can be found in the learning/yeshiva experience without internalization of values, in tefila without beseeching G-d, and in Shabbos with only eating and sleeping. It is by imbuing meaning and substance into the structures of our life that we ultimately enrich our personal, spiritual and marital relationships.

Practical Implications and Recommendations

Emerging from this discussion come several practical recommendations. They are listed below by developmental stages and targets of intervention. In my experience developing and implementing aspects of these programs in mosdos across the world, tailor-made interventions – that appreciate the particular community, parents and young adults – are most successful. I, therefore, offer the readers these recommendations as guideposts for forming such programs for your family, school or community.

Elementary School (6-8^th grade)

Early experiences are critical to personality development and adult behavior. The issues must be addressed early to create the positive and successful marriage. Skills learned at a young age can shape responses to self and others throughout life.

• Educational efforts towards providing children with stronger interpersonal, empathic and social skills sets
  • Such a curriculum should include
    • Understanding emotions and their impact
    • Identifying emotions in self and others
    • Understanding and living empathy
    • Practical social skills
    • Effective conflict resolution (age appropriate)
  • Programming should be –
    • Fully integrated with the religious teachings of Chazal, including mareh mekomos (citations), as appropriate
    • Experiential and with small groups
    • Relevant and practical for the lives of children
    • Involving parents and school staff
      • if possible, providing parents with a workshop on some of the same material, ensuring that school, child and parents are on the same page, and enabling parents to reinforce skills  at home
      • The rabbeim and teachers should, ideally, be informed and even taught the curriculum so that when issues arise, in any part of the school, everyone is speaking the same language

š Mesivta/Bais Yaakov/High School

• Development of values clarification curricula for boys and girls in high school {and continuing in yeshiva/seminary} around issues of
  • Individuality vs. group belonging
    • Where and why do I belong, and what happens once I have my own home?
  • Personal experience
    • Where do my own personal feelings fit with my relationships with others and with Hashem
  • Influences working upon me and how I make decisions (internal and external)
  • Dealing with conflict and disappointment
  • Understanding self, sexuality and struggle
    • Having an education al taharas hakodesh and in a positive and psychologically supportive environment, is better than in the uncharted and unsupervised territories of adolescence in an internet age
    • Addressing the ever-present tension of sexual desire is critical for boys. Differentiation from the mutuality of marital intimacy as it relates to personal, emotional development and formulation of images of sexuality
    • Those who seem to not demonstrate such urges may invest great efforts in squelching that human experience and may develop negative attitudes towards self and sexual expression
    • Given that sexual urges cannot be fulfilled, seeing the religious value of struggle is critical for adolescents/young adults. It helps give meaning to their accomplishments, and provides a model of gevurah for challenging situations
  • Values clarification around dating and relationships
• Such programming should be –
  • Administered by selected rabbeim/mechanchos, frum professionals or identified staff of the schools
  • With same structures as above, though parents tend to be less involved
  • Staff Members should be available and accessible to the students with opportunities for open and private forums for conversations, support and “check-ins”
  • Small groups (va’adim) around some of these issues can be helpful, especially for older students
  • A proper balance of discussion and self-containment is important, to avoid excessive focus on the issues
  • Referral to trusted mental health professionals when genuine problems are identified
    • Addressing these issues earlier leads to better and quicker resolution

š For Those “In the Parsha”

• Creating a (written) mission statement regarding non-negotiable values for the home you hope to build
  • What is mission critical in a potential spouse, what is important, a plus or a fantasy
  • Clarifying where my goals are coming from and seeing if they withstand the test of reality
  • Test your mission statement out on your support system
• Maintain a trusted support system
  • Yourself
    • Understand your own “stuff,” strengths and weakness to prepare for a strong marriage
  • Friends
    • Friends help form one’s view of the world and offer important support
    • One must know whether they share your values or add to illusions or challenges
  • Family
  • Rabbeim/Mentors
  • Seeking professional guidance (from trained therapists) for oneself or as a young couple (even during engagement if needed). Far from being a weakness, it reflects strength and commitment; indeed, many couples do exceedingly well with a little extra push

š For Those Soon to Be or Very Recently Married

• In addition to chosson/kallahhalacha classes, teaching basic marriage values should be required
  • What are my expectations (short and long term) of marriage and spouse
    • These expectations shape the lenses through which one views marriage
  • What can my spouse expect from me
    • Learning pre-marriage the responsibilities of marriage is important for shaping a harmonious home, especially for those coming from yeshiva, where the responsibility set outside of learning is minimal
  • What are the positive attributes that I see in my spouse
  • Being our own unit, part of a family and part of the community
    • As the couple individuates to become its own unit they must understand how permeable the boundaries are with family and community and how they are the same or different from the circles around them
    • Respond to the Piaseczner Rebbe’s call (Zav V’ziruv10)  – “reveal your own personal truth through choosing as an individual, not just as part of the herd”
  • Being vulnerable and feeling safe with my spouse
    • Educating towards mutuality and support
    • Identification and referral in cases of pathology
    • Ability to be (healthfully) disinhibited and comfortable with spouse and self
    • Identifying personal triggers and emotions
      • It’s not always him/her- sometimes it’s you
  • Comfort with intimate relationships and physical intimacy
    • Importance, meaning and positive value of sexual closeness
      • Earlier in life sexual expression was out of bounds, the transition to it being encouraged and positive requires support and at times boundaries
    • Sexual intimacy as a caring and mutual experience
    • Respect of personal and religious boundaries together with closeness
    • Sexual intimacy consistent with Torah values
    • Being able to be a sexual being and a religious/spiritual person
    • Understanding the learning curve in sexual experience
    • Questions about trauma (especially sexual) should be asked routinely by the chosson/kallah teachers. If such a history is noted, more gentle and personalized attention must be given during discussions
• Seeking professional guidance, where needed, to address emerging challenges

š For Parents of Children Soon to be Married

• With your child, help develop expectations for the dating, engagement and marriage periods
• Develop a “mission statement” for the simcha– its vision, goals, and tone. This includes
  • What is ikkar and tafel? Mission statements focuses on what is most important at this transition point
  • What message do you want to send the chosson/kallah, friends and family?
  • What budgeting you can realistically afford (simcha and beyond)?
• Be sure to communicate with your children
  • Communicate about the ideas/values and ideals of marriage (including that which you learned from your experience)
  • Communicate about the role that you as parents will have in the new marriage, and the balance of boundaries and emotional support
  • Communicate openly and honestly regarding the expectations and realities of financial support

š For Rabbonim, Rebbetzins and Teachers of Chassanim/Kallahs

• Just as there are refresher courses in taharas hamishpacha there should be refresher courses on the hashkafos of chayus hamischpacha
• If known issues arise check in with the young couple and parents (gently of course). It helps them to know that someone is there at times of crisis or stress
• Meetings of chosson/kallah teachers to learn from others’ expertise and experience in non-halacha areas
• Increased communication between chosson teachers and kallah teachers
• More specific and useful information about the sexual act itself
  • A recent unpublished study of over 100 frum young marrieds found that it would have been very helpful and less stressful if they we have understood more about intercourse. This is consistent with the report of many marriage and sex therapists in the community as well.
• There should be a trusted mental health professional in the rolodex of every community leader
  • Early intervention and referral for services leads to better and quicker resolutions to the problem and the prevention of many others (especially when dealing with those about to be, or were recently married)

š Community-wide Recommendations

• Careful research to describe practical and actionable root causes for problems
• A marriage monitoring system as described above
• Mesadrei kiddushin requiring that the young couple participate in some emotional/marital training classes beyond hilchos niddah
• Ultimately there should be a standardized course or curriculum, behechsher harabbonim and certified by qualified mental health professional available to provide this scope of education
• Where appropriate (schools, classes, or community-wide events etc.) there should be data collection to all the educational efforts.
  • This feedback can help schools and communities understand what is working and what their particular needs are, and enable them to share “best practices” with other schools or communities.

With this comprehensive approach may we be able to enjoy the fruits of great and successful marriages and build a community with a firm and solid home for the Shechina to dwell within us.

Yitzchak Schechter, PsyD, is the Clinical Director of the Center for Applied Psychology (CAPs) at Bikur Cholim in Monsey, NY and is the Director of the newly launched Institute for Applied Research and Community Collaboration to study psychiatric, psychological and social issues in the community.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Shifra Revah, Shira Hershoff and Sara Tendler

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Observations of a Kallah Teacher

Entitlement. Immaturity. Irresponsibility. Selfishness. Anger. Negativity. Unrealistic expectations. Lack of boundaries. The list of ills that may plague a marriage is long and varied. Some challenges may prove fatal to the marriage, while others may be possible to resolve. In all instances, however, absent proper early intervention, the problems will fester, grow more threatening, and ultimately have serious consequences. One of the most important resources that should be available to a chosson and kallah is a strong connection to a teacher or mentor. Such individuals can be a natural address for guidance, and can often help resolve issues before they become major problems. Unfortunately, many young people do not have such connections in place.

Marriage is not a hospital. Pretending that marriage will cure whatever may trouble a young man or woman is asking for problems that can ruin not one, but two lives. Sometimes, unhealthy attitudes and behaviors are exposed during dating, something that parents and shadchanim should take very seriously. With proper guidance, these can usually be helped, but no one should get married if they have serious issues that are unresolved. Sadly, the young people themselves are often keenly aware that they are not ready for marriage, while their parents engage in wishful thinking.

Mentoring from an experienced person during dating and engagement can go a long way to preventing unsuitable marriages and allowing essentially positive relationships to flourish. They can also be helpful in beginning the process of establishing stable marriages.

Some relationship basics can and should be conveyed to young women in high schools and seminaries. Mrs. Zlata Press, principal of Bnos Leah Prospect Park, teaches a class on this topic called “Family Living.” Such courses could be very helpful in laying the foundations for healthy dating and marriages. However, the bulk of premarital education in our community does not take place until after a couple is engaged, and so chosson and kallah classes become the primary means of marriage education and guidance.

When people ask us why we spend so many hours with each kallah we teach, our answer is: “This is not your mother’s kallah class.” It’s not your mother’s kallah class because it’s not your mother’s world. The kallahs we are teaching live in a world that presents very different challenges  from those faced even a generation ago. While five hours of instruction limited to halacha used to be standard, kallahs now spend hours devoted to everything from intimacy to infertility, and in-laws to Internet. Choosing the right teacher is an important “shidduch” that requires attention and effort. It is a parent’s responsibility to ensure that they choose a kallah teacher who is capable, open and well-suited to meeting their daughter’s needs.

In our experience, we have found one-on-one classes to be most effective, to ensure that the girl is as uninhibited as possible when questions and individual concerns arise. This has proven to be effective both in conveying the information, as well as in building a very important relationship between the kallah and her teacher. This relationship is critical as the young couple begins their life together, and faces challenges for which they could not possibly have been properly prepared before experiencing marriage for themselves. Much of the best advice a kallah teacher can give will only be appreciated long after the actual classes have ended.

If the kallah and her teacher have established a good rapport, the kallah might reach out when she needs help. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen. More than just offering to be available, kallah teachers should follow up their formal sessions with a phone call or two three to six months after the wedding. This call would serve as a friendly reminder that a caring, experienced and trustworthy adult is only a phone call away if needed. Kallahs themselves need to recognize (with helpful reminders from the adults in their lives) that seeking help at different points in a marriage is normal, and they should not wait until a problem area has grown so big that it requires dramatic intervention.

Some Chassidish communities already have ongoing communication between a kallah and her teacher as a communal norm. In that structured framework, it is easier to ensure that there is follow-up. For the rest of the greater frum community, the responsibility lies with individual teachers to stay connected and to be available when called. If we would normalize this commitment as a routine part of kallah classes, perhaps kallahs wouldn’t hesitate as much to reach out when something is troubling them. Ongoing mentoring can make a very positive difference in young and vulnerable marriages.

If kallah teachers are, in fact, to serve as the “first responders” to marital conflict, more kallah-teacher training and preparation should be required. First of all, kallah teachers need better access to Rabbanim who are familiar with today’s marital challenges and can guide them appropriately. They also need better access to mental health professionals. Kallah teachers should know how to identify serious issues, when to make referrals to competent marital counselors, psychologists and doctors, and how to access those professionals. For couples who enter therapy, kallah teachers need to be taught how to navigate their role in that context, including how to be a source of support without interfering with the counseling. Many therapists are very generous with their time and expertise,  and can guide the kallah teacher in difficult situations and make appropriate referrals. It would be helpful to formalize this resource, creating a roster of professionals who are willing to donate their time to help those dealing with young couples.

It is especially important that kallahs have an address for intimacy-related issues. If she cannot go back to her kallah teacher, she is likely either to go to a library or search for information online. Which would we prefer? This is another area where further education for kallah teachers would be instrumental in helping young couples get the help they need.

The genie is out of the bottle. Young people are far more exposed than ever before  and it is important that this fact be fully acknowledged. As exposure increases in our communities, it is necessary that education from healthy sources is increased and improved as well. Kallah teachers are in a key position to present a clear, positive and healthy Torah perspective on the physical relationship between husband and wife, with general guidance about the basics of sexuality and intimacy. However, this alone is not enough. It is a unique challenge to address intimacy in a comprehensive manner prior to marriage, when it’s very abstract. Guidance must be tailored to the emerging relationship between each individual couple in a manner that addresses their needs, something impossible to anticipate before they are married. Once the kallah is married and encounters specific questions or concerns, she needs someone knowledgeable, experienced, and caring to talk to.

In July 2001, Mrs. Debbie Fox of Aleinu in Los Angeles organized a three-day conference for kallah teachers. The conference was multi-faceted and brought together a panel of Rabbanim, therapists and chosson and kallah teachers to discuss many aspects of marital preparation. It enabled attendees to ask questions directly to the Rabbanim and other experts assembled. The conference featured mostly home grown talent – making a conference like this doable, and providing vital communal support for kallah teachers, and thus benefitting the entire community.

In another important event, the Rabbinical Council of California sponsored a seminar in Los Angeles with experts from Puah – an organization that deals with the myriad of issues related to infertility from a halachic perspective. Presenters discussed a number of issues, and included a fertility specialist who offered her perspective on the fertility challenges faced by women who get married later in life.

Communities  must prioritize and allocate resources to train  those who are already involved in premarital and marital education to expand their role in pre- and postmarital education and support. We have a system in place. Let’s make it better.

Shifra Revah, Shira Hershoff and Sara Tendler are high school and kallah teachers in Los Angeles.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Chani Maybruch, Ed.D

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Bringing out the Best in Couples: Empirical Research on the Benefits of Marriage Education

Over the last few decades, our expectations of marriage have changed considerably.[1] In contrast to previous generations, in which marriage tended to revolve around comparatively well-defined male and female roles, today’s couples often share these roles in a variety of ways. Married life is now less predictable and less stable, with many new options to negotiate and decisions to make.[2] In addition, increasing numbers of couples aspire to an idealized level of marriage, expecting to feel that they are married to their “soul-mate.”[3]

To meet these and other challenges, today’s couples require an enhanced appreciation of the principles and necessary skills involved in commitment, communication, conflict management, and intimacy.  Fortunately, to aid the community in addressing these challenges, there is increased empirical research about the attitudes and practices that contribute to marital satisfaction and on the effectiveness of various forms of pre-marriage education in preparing couples for married life.

Investment, Self-Sacrifice and Commitment

Modern innovations have the potential to shape our expectations of marriage. For example, from microwaves to instant messaging, we have become accustomed to instant gratification, which influences the expectations we have from our relationships as well. , Research indicates, however, that a significant component to happier marriages is the willingness of the parties to invest in the relationship with the understanding that results and satisfaction will not be immediate, and may well involve self-sacrifice.[4] Couples who have positive attitudes towards sacrifice were found to be less likely to become distressed than couples who were not so inclined.  These findings suggest that when each individual places their relationship first, at the expense of their immediate self-interest (colloquially referred to in Hebrew as “being mevater”), he or she contributes to their spouse’s sense of safety and security, something that is essential for the couple’s marital satisfaction.

In his Kuntras HaChessed, Rav Eliyau Dessler notes that the root of the Hebrew word for love – ahavah – is “hav,” which means “give.”[5] Rav Dessler explains that love flourishes when each partner focuses on giving to the other and to the relationship. The research thus suggests that educators and mentors of dating and newly married individuals should encourage couples to explore their expectations, assist them in developing the willingness to invest and sacrifice for the sake of their relationship.[6]

Communication and Conflict Management

Another key facet of successful relationships that has become increasingly challenging with the advent of modern technology is communication. Ironically, with an unprecedented myriad of ways to communicate – including text messaging and the use of online social media – technology can act as a barrier to connecting in relationships, making communication more difficult.   Personal narratives from some of my clients highlight how technology is often used to avoid more direct, personal conversation. Both men and women have complained that their dates will text or e-mail them to let them know that they do not want to continue dating. Some couples text back and forth to hash out an argument while others have “conversations” using Facebook (even though it is a public forum). While technology can be useful to help people connect,[7] these examples demonstrate how it can also be used to avoid deeper, meaningful conversation.

One of the cornerstones of successful relationships is effective communication.[8] Couples can, and should, be taught general communication skills and effective strategies for de-escalating and negotiating a conflict.[9]^,[10] Gottman and his colleagues have discovered that couples who generally show high levels of positive affect (expressions of emotion), and particularly during conflict, enjoy higher levels of marital satisfaction and stability during at least the first five to ten years of marriage.[11] It is thus increasingly important to teach young people about the centrality of basic communications skills in a successful marriage, and to train them in the art of communication.

For example, couples should learn how to better respond to each other’s bids for emotional connection in daily interactions.[12] When a husband listens attentively to his wife’s recounting of her day rather than turning away to read the mail or consult his Blackberry, or when a wife laughs good naturedly at her husband’s joke rather than rolling her eyes, each is investing in an emotional bank account which can be drawn upon during times of conflict.[13]

Another dimension of communication that research has evidenced to be critical is conflict management. Research consistently demonstrates that the ability to manage conflict well is the greatest predictor of marital happiness and stability.[14] For example, the creators of the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), the most widely researched and empirically proven premarital education program in the world,[15] suggest guidelines for how to safely discuss difficult issues:[16]

• Couples should communicate at a mutually decided time, when they are both ready to discuss the issue.

• During their conversation, each spouse should use active listening techniques which gives an opportunity for each partner to share his/her feelings while the other listens and reflects back what he/she has heard. And above all –
• Both partners should look for the best in one another to understand how what may seem like a negative behavior may actually derive from good intentions.

These guidelines for effective communication and conflict management can be applied in face-to-face, phone, and digital communication, keeping in mind several considerations. [17] Since communication is more than a mere exchange of words, nonverbal cues are essential to help the listener understand the meaning of the message. Facial expression and tone of voice can make the difference in the same phrase being interpreted as a joke or as an insult. Speaking in person or even by phone can make it easier to convey nuances in meaning. On the other hand, an advantage to digital communication, particularly in a conflict, is that one can select and edit one’s words more carefully than in synchronous conversation. There is a need for more research on the advantages and drawbacks of digital communication in relationships to gain a better understanding of how to teach couples to use technology beneficially and avoid its pitfalls.

Emotional Aspects of Intimacy

Emotional intimacy, which can be shared even between friends and family members, is often described as a feeling that develops when two people feel they can disclose their vulnerable beliefs, expectations and needs to one another, and trust their partner to respond with understanding and empathy.[18] When applied to physical intimacy in marriage, emotional intimacy refers to a couple’s ability to discuss their expectations and needs in this area of their relationship.[19] Couples taught to communicate about physical intimacy enjoy the opportunity to deepen their mutual trust and become more sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs, thereby increasing their mutual satisfaction.[20]

Tragically, the understanding and expectations of adolescents regarding intimacy are deeply affected by the prevalence of images, ideas and values about intimacy to which they are exposed.[21] There is, therefore, an increased urgency for the community to introduce more intensive efforts to design and promote Jewish marriage education geared towards assisting young people in filtering and assimilating what they are exposed to in the media, and replacing these influences with core Jewish values about intimacy.[22] This effort is particularly important regarding the emotional aspect of physical intimacy.[23]

Influence of Kallah and Chosson Premarital Education

One of the primary ways the Orthodox Jewish community provides formal preparation for marriage is by providing kallah (bride) and chassan (groom) classes to those who have become engaged. Premarital education at this time is generally based on the rationale that individuals will be most receptive when the content is immediately relevant.[24]

A rich literature of research within the general population has confirmed the effectiveness of premarital education, including several meta-analytical studies that have reviewed previous research and described several beneficial outcomes.[25]^, [26]^, [27]^, [28] Yet until recently, no scientific research had been conducted to study premarital education in the American Orthodox Jewish community, including its actual and potential influence on marital satisfaction.

Recent empirical research of approximately 600 newly-married, North-American, Orthodox Jewish individuals found that the topics most frequently taught were taharas hamishpacha (Jewish laws that pertain to intimacy), Jewish values about marriage, and basic anatomy, physiology and the mechanics of intimacy.[29] This research also found a positive correlation between kallah and chassan classes and marital satisfaction; those who reported learning more from kallah and chassan teachers also reported greater marital satisfaction. In addition, learning more about the Jewish laws and different aspects of physical intimacy predicted greater marital satisfaction, indicating that education in this area significantly influences and enhances marriage. These classes, therefore, play an important and beneficial role in marital preparation.

Research participants indicated, however, that several areas believed to greatly influence marital satisfaction are not being taught. The top five areas cited by the participants, in order of rank, were:

• Communicating expectations
• Conflict management skills
• Setting personal, couple and family goals
• Emotional aspect of the intimate relationship, and
• Determining roles and responsibilities.

The areas of communicating expectations, conflict management, goal-setting and the emotional aspect of intimacy are included in empirically evaluated and proven premarital education programs.[30] While determining roles and responsibilities has not been evaluated in research on marriage education, it may occur as an outgrowth of communicating about expectations. Based on the findings of the empirical study described above, I recommend that premarital education for the Orthodox Jewish community include discussions and exercises around these five topics.

Challenges of Premarital Education

Notwithstanding the value of kallah and chassan classes, their effectiveness is limited in certain respects. First, the ideas and practices being discussed are mostly theoretical for the engaged couples, who have yet to encounter the actual experiences themselves. As such, the lessons are not fully appreciated, and there is no opportunity to request further clarification based on personal experience.[31]

Second, research on premarital education programs has found that couples who were within two months of their weddings were hesitant to talk about their issues or to acquire new skills.[32] Perhaps these couples feared that such behavior would derail their wedding plans or upset their relationship dynamic.

Third, in the Orthodox Jewish community, as opposed to the general population,[33] these classes are typically taught to the bride and groom separately. While this approach accommodates concerns of modesty, and allows gender-specific issues to be addressed in a sensitive manner, such segregation precludes a couple from having the benefits of a shared and interactive learning experience.[34]

Premarital Workshops

One way to respond to this last limitation is to have joint couple workshops – in addition to separate kallah and chassan classes – during engagement. For example, the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop, under the aegis of the Shalom Task Force, is provided to one couple at a time, and is designed to help them develop communication and conflict-management skills under the guidance of a skilled facilitator.[35] Couples can also be encouraged to express their values, goals and expectations for their life together. One study found that a benefit of this process is that couples sometimes realize that they are not suited for each other before they have already been married.[36]

Research on the most empirically-proven skills-based workshop of this kind, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), has shown that program participants have reduced negative communication, increased positive communication, and lower levels of marital violence compared to a control group, based on longitudinal studies of four to five years.[37] Additional studies found that couples who took the PREP workshop have greater relationship satisfaction,[38] greater satisfaction with intimacy,[39] increased problem-solving skills and increased spouse confidence in the relationship.[40] PREP seminars are led by instructors such as clergy and lay leaders who have no specific credentials, yet receive training at a two or three-day workshop.[41] Research demonstrates that these instructors can be successfully trained to produce positive results that are measurable even at a one or one-and-a-half year follow-up.[42] It is therefore highly recommended that a cultural sensitive version of PREP or a similar training program be developed to teach mental health professionals, kallah and chassan teachers, and rabbis and rebbetzins how to provide premarital education to couples.

Post-Marriage Mentoring

Nonetheless, the majority of the limitations of premarital education described above only underscore the need for ongoing marital education.[43] Issues surrounding intimacy are uniquely practical and relevant only after a couple is married. In my experience as both a kallah teacher and a rebbetzin, I have found that many questions arise at predictable stages during newly-married life. Although I have encouraged kallahs to keep in touch, I found that many reached out only when they had a pressing question or a need for intervention. It is thus critical for kallah teachers, and others playing a mentoring role, to proactively call kallahs (and presumably chassanim) during these post-marriage stages to pre-empt issues that they may be uncomfortable raising themselves. Predictable junctures include two weeks after the wedding (to address issues about consummating the marriage), six months after marriage (to discuss their reflections on the realities of married life, including intimacy, and at one to two years post-marriage (to address, as appropriate, infertility, pregnancy, impending childbirth, the transition from couple to family with baby, or childrearing). A kallah or chassan teacher who maintains a post-marriage relationship can provide a safe and trusted forum in which their newly-married students can ask questions, share feelings, receive validation and get support.

Another model for post-marriage mentoring that might be considered is pairing trained mentor couples with those who are newly-married. Mentor couples can serve as confidential sounding boards, reflective and empathic listeners, who validate and “normalize” a newlywed individual’s feelings, and provide a perspective that comes from experience and training.[44] Also, a mentor couple from within one’s own community is more likely to be contacted for questions or advice than a mental health professional, for example, since many associate a stigma with consulting a therapist.[45] In fact, mentors can help a couple become more receptive to therapy in cases in which it is needed.[46] Given the benefits of pairing newly married couples with mentor couples, this option deserves serious consideration by the Orthodox Jewish community.

Implications for Future Education

The recent empirical study on the influence of kallah and chassan classes on marital satisfaction demonstrates the benefit of our current premarital preparation. Yet, it also indicates that there is a gap between what is currently learned and what needs to be learned to further improve marriages in the Orthodox Jewish community. Married men and women who have participated in the research or have heard about it have generally been very enthusiastic about the efforts being made to improve premarital education and to create new mainstream venues for post-marriage education.  This encouraging receptiveness and support is the first step to ensuring that future developments in these areas will not only prevent the divorce of distressed couples but will make good marriages even better.

 

Rabbi Steven Weil

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

A Review of the OU/Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey

“How does my husband have time to learn the daf yomi every day, but he has no time to spend with me?”

“Is it right for my wife to share the most private details of our marriage with her mother?”

“Why can’t my husband just listen and sympathize when I have a problem instead of telling me what I am doing wrong and how I should fix it?”

“We both work long hours and still struggle to make ends meet. Is there any way we can alleviate the stress and the toll it is taking on our marriage?”

Time and again, newly married couples grapple with these types of questions. In the best-case scenario, they are seeking advice. Often, however, they are at wits’ end and tearfully or angrily air grievances. For the most part, such questions come from spouses who are good people and who grew up in healthy families. These types of tensions are not reflective of dysfunctional marriages. Rather, they are simply challenges to be expected when two very different genders and personalities work together to build a shared home and family.

Every couple will have disagreements and confront stress. Problems arise, however, when the marriage begins with unrealistic expectations of achieving “happily ever after” without effort or compromise, or when the couple is insufficiently mature or thoughtful to resolve disagreements in a healthy and constructive way.

The community is increasingly acknowledging that consideration of communal challenges is best explored with the benefit of data and empirical analysis. To this end, the Orthodox Union recently sponsored the Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey, which interviewed 5,200 Orthodox Jews. The respondents, ranging from divorcees to the 72% to 74% of couples who considered their marriages good or excellent, consistently identified several common challenges to their relationships. These are the five most cited:

• Marital Intimacy. Due to its sensitive and private nature, the accepted practice within many of our communities is to refrain from addressing the topic of marital intimacy with our children until immediately prior to their marriage. However, our youth are, to differing degrees, dramatically and extensively exposed to various dimensions of physical relationships through the media, literature, and, increasingly, the Internet. Alas, since the community does not “control” the message, teenagers and young adults get a picture that is superficial and deeply detrimental. While we might wish it to be otherwise, the community can no longer afford to defer guidance in this area until marriage, since by then, our children will have developed illusions and expectations that cannot be easily replaced. Regardless of how sheltered we might perceive our children to be, we have entered an age in which it is vitally important for a young man and woman to get the right message before and after they are married. Their teachers need to be open and clear about the Torah’s approach to sexuality, and to how essential a component of a healthy marriage it is, above and beyond the important mitzvah of having children.

This component of marriage is supposed to be pleasurable for both wife and husband, and, to achieve that level, they must learn to talk openly with one another (in a modest way) about their physical relationship. They need to understand that men and women often approach intimacy from opposite sides – men from the physical and women from the emotional – and learn to be sensitive to and accommodating of each other’s needs. In Rabbi Avraham Peretz Friedman’s book Marital Intimacy – A Traditional Jewish Approach (Jason Aronson, 1997), two chapters address the mitzvah of onah and discuss the “nine middos” (thoughts and intentions that undermine intimacy). Rabbi Peretz’s book should be required reading for men both before and during marriage.

• Relationships with In-Laws. It is wonderful when children have a close relationship with their parents; such closeness and respect for parents should not end when they get married. However, the relationship does need to shift in such a way that makes room for the spouse, and G-d willing the children, to become the nucleus around which everything else revolves. The couple must become the center of each other’s universe.

Occasionally, a married child or a parent simply cannot bring themselves to cut the proverbial cord, causing potential discord and needless tension. This challenge is particularly acute when parents are supporting the young couple financially. Parents need to be socialized to the independence they provide their married children, and young couples need to know that it is ok, even necessary, to set boundaries with their parents. Such boundaries should be implemented respectfully, but the needs of the spouse must trump the needs of everyone else, including parents.

• Managing Financial Struggles. The combination of today’s economy and the particularly high cost of an Orthodox lifestyle is often crippling. The financial burdens of supporting a family can be a jolting wake-up call to young men and women who have never been financially independent. Many young couples are naïve in assuming “it will all work out,” unaware that the chronic stress of drowning under financial pressure may take a toll on their marriage. Psychologists have found that marriages can withstand acute crises of a limited duration, but can be worn down by chronic, ongoing stress that does not ease with time. This is why never-ending financial burdens can devour marriages.
• Making Time for Each Other. When couples are dating, and during the engagement, they cannot imagine how busy life will get once they are married, managing a home and pursuing careers. When children are added to the equation, the sum of their efforts leave little or no time to invest in their relationship. Couples need to be aware that, while spending significant time together feels so natural during the pre-marriage stages, doing so once married often requires deliberate planning and commitment. They need to be taught that limited quality time, such as an occasional vacation (though wonderful and a nice memory), does not substitute for quantity time. Relationships solidify and grow when couples are present for each other day in and day out, in the mundane routines of ordinary life. 22% of those interviewed for the survey cited lack of time together as a significant issue in their marriage.
• Inadequate Communication Skills. Men and women have different styles of communication, as do those with different personalities or different backgrounds. It is therefore no surprise that a whopping 23% of husbands and wives report frustration with their inability to communicate effectively with their spouses. Some complain that their spouse talks too little, others that it is too much. Some don’t feel safe opening up to their partners because of judgmental reactions to earlier expressions of feelings. Communication patterns set in the early days of the marriage often become entrenched and, if counter-productive, are hard to unravel as time marches on. Communication skills must, therefore, be learned before marriage.

The results of this survey, specifically these five issues often cited as stressors in marriage, tell us a lot about the state of marriage today. Recognizing and preparing for the challenges that lie ahead can help newlywed couples deal with the issues that they are likely to encounter.

In my opinion, it is crucial for a couple to be properly prepared and educated, not just in the laws of taharas hamishpacha, but in the many areas couples find challenging, such as those described by the OU study. I suggest that these fit the category of v’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha. V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha is not an esoteric mitzvah; the greater and more profound the relationship one has, the greater the obligation. It follows, therefore, that the greatest responsibility is to one’s spouse.

The push for pre-marriage education needs to come from multiple sources. The couple’s parents should insist that this be a prerequisite to the wedding. Parents who have themselves been married for at least eighteen-plus years, know first hand the challenges that their children will be facing. Even if they have had an “ideal” marriage and set the best example possible for their children, the young bride and groom will be facing their own unique circumstances.

The rabbi, especially if he is officiating at the wedding, is the source of advice, guidance and education for the new couple. If he and perhaps his rebbetzin are available, they can be a wonderful resource, and can work with the couple to provide this thorough education. If not, he can and should require the bride and groom to find teachers who will spend the necessary time helping them prepare for all aspects of the marriage. As it seems that the ordinary course of chinuch is proving insufficient to prepare talmidim and talmidot for marriage, it is hoped that rabbeim and Roshei Yeshiva will consider instituting preparation programs, as well.

While a typical kallah spends numerous hours learning the meticulous details of niddah and mikva, she mustalso learn what it is like to share a home with a man and what she can do to help their relationship flourish. A typical groom will go for a chosson schmooze or two, but, just like one cannot become a talmid chacham from attending a shiur or two, a man cannot become a good spouse with such limited preparation. A bride and groom are embarking on the most important and meaningful relationship in their lives. Parents, rabbeim, and chosson and kallah teachers must impress upon the couple the urgency of significant preparation.

While pre-marital education is vital to the success of a marriage, post-marital education is even more crucial. In this regard, certain segments of the Orthodox community can learn from each other. Several Chasidic communities have established a mentoring system in which new couples are partnered with established couples, meeting on a regular basis to deal with the challenges of creating a healthy marriage and home life. Each community should seek to create a similar system, adjusted to the needs and character of its membership. Another model employed by certain rabbanim (and which happens to be the standard practice of the Archdiocese) is to require couples to attend post-marital sessions at regular intervals after their wedding.

There is wisdom in these models, as all premarital education is necessarily theoretical. A fiancé is practically perfect every time the couple gets together. They each are dressed up, they talk about lofty goals and ideals, reveling in each other’s company and attention. Only after the marriage do they wake up and see what the other one looks like in the morning, clean up after each other’s messes, and share responsibilities for the mundane tedium of real life. That is precisely when they will benefit most from the guidance and education of a rabbi and rebbetzin or chosson and kallah teacher. Such post-marital sessions should be mandatory– not too soon that they don’t yet appreciate how practical it is, but not too late that small, manageable issues have already begun to fester and morph into seeds of bitterness and discontent.

Whether it is pre- or post-marital education, rabbis and teachers need to acknowledge the many challenges couples will likely encounter, and they need to be open and to communicate clearly with the men and women who come to them for guidance.

Some suggestions are:

• Acknowledge that the husband and wife are two individuals, each endowed with their own personalities, tendencies and talents. They come from different homes – perhaps different cultural backgrounds – and may have different expectations of marriage and home life. These differences don’t make one spouse better or worse, but they will likely cause some tension as these varying traits and behaviors clash.
• Acknowledge that (to quote Rabbi Yaakov Glasser) “men are from Prague and women are from Vilna.” Males and females view and experience life differently – they express feelings differently, relate to others differently, respond differently physically, cognitively, and emotionally If a husband or wife did not have much exposure to the opposite sex before dating and marriage, this can be a very difficult path to navigate without some enlightenment about gender differences.
• Perhaps the most important message a couple can learn in pre- and post-marital education is that a certain amount of conflict in a marriage is normal, and that being prepared to recognize it and deal with it is the best defense. The strongest marriages are not the ones that have no disagreements, but the ones in which spouses address their differences openly, honestly and constructively, as this brings them closer with every resolution.

As hard as we try to shelter our young men and women, they are bombarded by a culture whose messages fly in the face of our core Torah values. We owe it to our children, our congregants and our students to empower them with the tools and skills they need to succeed at a relationship that the majority of modern society has doomed to fail. Hakadosh Baruch Hutaught us that “it is not good for man to be alone” (Bereishis 2:18). It is our responsibility to ensure the next logical step – that it is good to be together.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Rabbi Asher Biron

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Observations of a Chosson Teacher

The great Rav and Posek Rav Eliyahu Henkin, zt”l, is reputed to have claimed some fifty years ago that over ninety percent of the numerous cases of marital discord he addressed were rooted in improper attitudes and actions in the realm of intimacy. Currently, many marriage counselors and educators agree that problems regarding intimacy remain the greatest challenge to marital success. Nevertheless, they point out that other factors now also play a role. Common, significant difficulties include financial strains, the stress of overworked couples – particularly when both must be wage earners – and the attitude of this “disposable generation.”

Rav Henkin was certainly not the first to highlight the crucial role that intimacy plays in a marriage. For example, the Talmud (Shabbos 152a) reports that Rebbe asked Rav Shimon Ben Chalafta why he did not attend the major lecture given that Yom Tov. Rav Shimon responded, “Little hills appear as large mountains to climb, places that were close seem quite distant, and two have become three” (i.e., the walk had become too much. “Two becoming three” hinted at his need to supplement his two legs with a cane). Significantly, however, Rav Shimon added one more cryptic explanation: maysim shalom babayis batel (what brings harmony to the home has been negated). Rashi explains that Rav Shimon was referring to the ability to be intimate. Apparently, the ravages of old age had taken their toll, frustrating his ability to be intimate with his wife. His shalom bayis apparently compromised, Rav Shimon felt it would be wrong to “abandon” his wife in order to attend the shiur, and so he remained home instead.

Similarly, the Talmud (Brachos 62a) quotes Rav Kahana’s position that proper actions in the area of intimacy are no less a part of Torah than any other mitzvah, and must be taught by a rebbe to his student, just as any discipline of Torah would be transmitted. I was told in a private communication with one of the foremost mashgichim of our generation that this instruction must be given “b’Rachel bitcha hakitanah,” i.e, with great clarity and specificity. The importance of a comprehensive and instructive chosson or kallah shmooze should not be underestimated.

Beginning over forty years ago in Beth Medrash Govoha of Lakewood, the concept of a chosson shmuz began to become institutionalized. In this one-on-one, multi session instruction prior to his wedding, a groom would be given marital guidance from a Torah viewpoint, as well as practical advice for a successful marriage. Today, at that Torah citadel, it is almost unheard of for one to arrive at the chupah without such guidance. The chosson shmooze has become widely recognized as a vital component of marriage preparation, particularly in our times, when young men are subject to the impressions of prevalent immodest images and skewed perspectives.

Unfortunately, however, there is evidence that some chosson teachers have not adapted their instruction to this new reality, and are failing to educate their students sufficiently in the realm of intimacy.

Similarly, through anecdotal evidence and conversations with kallah teachers, I have gleaned that, although there has been improvement in overall marital education for kallahs, education in the area of intimacy is sometimes still inadequate. Some kallah teachers feel that their domain is solely the laws of family purity, while hadracha for intimacy should be left to the mother of the bride. Many mothers, however, are uncomfortable guiding their daughters in these matters, and this education is  not provided. Other teachers may retain the old approach, believing that intimacy need not be addressed prior to marriage, since the kallah will simply follow her chosson’s lead or will adapt gradually.

Most kallah teachers, however, recognize a new reality in the concerns of present day kallahs. With the unfortunate proliferation of divorce, many brides know of marriages of friends or relatives that quickly disintegrated. Additionally, in our open society, many kallahs hear that mistreatment can exist in intimacy. As a result, young women often enter marriage with an unprecedented degree of anxiety – and occasional mistrust. If she then encounters intimate behavior on the part of her husband that, due to her lack of education, she deems abnormal or unexpectedly inappropriate for her well-respected chosson, she may react in a manner that can set in motion a downward spiral, with potentially disastrous results.

Preparing a kallah in advance regarding the range of what is normal, and what to expect, eliminates many risks, and likely facilitates a much smoother transition to married life. Without this vital instruction, many misconceptions are retained, leading to unnecessary stress in the marital relationship. Lacking guidance, expectations can be either excessive, particularly in the beginning, or too low to allow a healthy relationship in the physical aspect of marriage.

Responsible parents will ensure that their child receives a superior chosson or kallah shmuz. As in any field, there are both good teachers and inferior ones. Though experience of the teacher is certainly a positive attribute, it is not the whole story. Research by parents to select an appropriate teacher should begin with finding one who is culturally appropriate. Some parents may then choose to speak to parents of former students of this teacher. In other cases, their child may choose to speak to former students himself or herself. The following questions should be asked: Was the instruction clear and comprehensive? Was the teacher comfortable responding to questions? Did the sessions leave you with positive feelings toward marriage? Did you bond with the teacher sufficiently to return after marriage with questions? And finally, did you feel optimally prepared?

The Interpersonal Relationship

In addition to the area of intimacy, chosson and kallah teachers must also provide practical hadracha (guidance) for the couple’s bain adam lechavero – their interpersonal relationship. For many young people, inappropriate attitudes complicate adjustment to a new relationship as intense as marriage. One such destructive influence is the pervasive environment of the “Me Generation,” which translates into looking out for “Numero Uno.” This does not bode well for a life of matrimonial bliss. Similarly, dogmatic and rigid attitudes often lead to an inability to compromise, a most essential ingredient in any successful marriage.

Another factor that young people in our community must grapple with is the effect of gender separation through the teen and young adult years. Such segregation is necessary to avoid serious halachic issues, but imposes an even greater need to familiarize a chosson and kallah with the significant differences between the mindsets and expectations of men and women. An effective instructor will clarify differences in interests, perspectives, sensitivities and even yetzer horahs, and provide the tools to deal with them. For example, whereas a wife may be interested in new recipes or shopping, her husband may enjoy following sports or the stock market. While each spouse need not spend equal time on matters that bore him or her, respect and consideration require that each show some interest in the spouse’s diversions, and certainly refrain from deriding their spouse’s interests.

A classic illustration of different perspectives is the scenario of a husband bringing home an old friend for dinner unexpectedly. In the husband’s view, this is simply an opportunity to provide a meal and share old memories. For the wife, by contrast, this situation can be a source of great embarrassment. If she feels that her housekeeping or her meal was substandard at that time, she will assume that the guest has judged her and found her incompetent. By presenting this example, the instructor can emphasize that each person’s perspective is valid, and that there is no point in debating who is right or wrong. Moreover, a young man can be shown that distressing his wife could be avoided by simply calling her to apprise her of his desire to bring home a guest and to ask whether she would mind. This would give his wife, if she is agreeable to hosting, an opportunity to tidy the home. More importantly, it would convey the husband’s concern for his wife’s needs and feelings.

Engaged couples also need guidance vis-a-vis the common occurrence of irritating behavior on the part of their future spouses. Techniques such as positive reinforcement, non-confrontational strategies, and dos and don’ts of direct communication must be taught by their chosson/kallah teachers. As an illustration, the chosson/kallah may be asked to consider a marriage between one who is very punctual and one who is chronically late. The first stage in addressing an irritatingly tardy spouse would be an expression of appreciation when he or she is on time. Obviously, most people react much better to positive reinforcement than to negative rejoinders. If positive reinforcement proves inadequate or the opportunity does not arise, then strategy must be employed. For example, a buffer zone can be created, by which a spouse who desires a prompt 7:00pm departure may suggest aiming for 6:30. This encourages a helpful mindset that may lead to leaving on time.

When neither positive reinforcement nor strategy has worked, a more direct approach and open discussion is necessary. Several categories of statements are taboo when discussing an irritant. These include expressions of exaggeration and hyperbole, such as “You never…” or “You always…” Similarly, while sarcasm may help to get something off one’s chest, it will make the other spouse defensive, perhaps offended and less receptive to change. And most certainly, confrontational language, such as “What is wrong with you?” or “Is it so difficult to…” will invariably evoke a counterattack in response.

A far better approach begins with acknowledging the difficulty of overcoming the troublesome trait or habit. Then the irritated spouse should explain, “I will feel bad if I miss my friend’s chupah,” or “I am embarrassed when I am late for my appointment. Let’s brainstorm together to find a solution.” This method avoids putting the spouse on the defensive. Approaching the spouse for an idea or suggestion conveys a respectful request rather than criticism.

Chassanim and kallahs need to understand that if the techniques they are taught are not successful in conflict resolution, they should not hesitate to seek advice from those who have shown themselves to be wise and calm, such as chosson or kallah teachers, mentors or former teachers. Generally, parents are not a good resource, as they are too close to the situation to provide objective advice. On the contrary, they sometimes inadvertently deepen the rift. There is no shame in seeking guidance, particularly in shana rishona (the first year).

A veteran kallah teacher recently presented a training course for new kallah teachers. She informed her class that, after decades of instructing brides, she had recently revised her first kallah lesson. Rather then beginning with the laws of family purity, she now challenges the kallah to identify a midah that she feels she needs to work on. It may be patience, humility, unselfishness, serenity, truthfulness, kindness or any other good midah. Beginning with this exercise establishes the awareness that the most vital element in creating a positive relationship is good character, and that married people must strive to improve themselves rather than their spouses. Obviously, this concept applies to chassanim as well, and they, too, would benefit greatly from this exercise.

Unrealistic expectations can derail a potentially happy marriage. Again, a competent chosson or kallah teacher can often preempt derailment by raising this issue and presenting typical situations. For example, at least initially, a husband or wife cannot expect a spouse’s loyalty to them to supercede the loyalty they feel towards their respective parents. Relationships with parents, established over the course of twenty years or more, are not swiftly overridden by the newly established relationship of husband and wife. As such, a reasonable level of connection with parents and family must not be stifled. In this regard, children frequently consider themselves extensions of their parents and perceive any criticism of parents as a personal insult. A well-educated spouse is therefore sensitive to the need to avoid speaking ill of in-laws.

In an effort to preempt problems and strife that may emerge shortly after marriage, several communities have recently implemented organized efforts to provide follow-up guidance for young couples. In the Belzer community, an extensive program has been established for post- marital counseling for young men. In Lakewood, New Jersey, one veteran kallah teacher created a system where all new brides are encouraged to attend three group review lessons. The prime focus of these sessions is to afford the young kallah an opportunity to hear again the same ideas that were presented during her engagement period, when the lessons were not yet applicable and may have taken a backseat to wedding preparations. Many a kallah may not have focused on lessons of conflict resolution, as any disharmony with her apparently perfect chosson seemed impossible. Post wedding, when the fantasy of a perfect spouse has faded, the advice is much more relevant and timely.

Clearly, marriage preparation for chassanim and kallahs is vital in all areas relating to married life. Ideally, of course, we should instill in our children from their earliest years the midos that will enable them to be worthy, successful spouses. However, once they have reached the stage of engagement, the crucial factor in achieving marital success is thorough instruction by a capable chosson/kallah teacher who understands the challenges of our times. Follow-up sessions can be extremely beneficial as well. Armed with an understanding of the role of intimacy, educated in the workings of interpersonal relationships and provided with the tools for problem solving, a chosson and kallah can look forward to building, b’ezras Hashem, a home permeated with shalom bayis and joy.

Rabbi Asher Biron resides in Los Angeles where he teaches in Valley Torah High School and has been helping to prepare chassanim for marriage for over thirty-five years.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A.

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

The Need for Premarital Education

Are we doing enough to prepare our children for marriage in an era when divorce is becoming more common in the Orthodox Jewish community? I’m not talking about the halachic pre-marital preparation couples undertake with a chosson or kallah teacher before they get married. What I’m referring to is the knowledge of a set of effective communication and relationship skills and basic financial management tools necessary for a successful marriage that have been shown to enhance marital satisfaction and longevity.

Consider the case of a young couple who recently came to my office for counseling. They had been married for just four months and were experiencing considerable marital distress. Within a month of their wedding, the young woman had become pregnant, but wasn’t sure she wanted to continue with the marriage. The husband, who was learning in kollel, reported significant financial conflict with his wife’s parents and that he found himself unprepared to deal with his wife’s “erratic” emotions.  I also quickly learned that, due to the nausea the woman was experiencing, they had not had any physical relations in the prior three months.

I am aware that this may be an acute example of a young couple learning to adjust to their new lives, but I have seen many cases with similar or more complex problems presented by young Orthodox couples who were not prepared to deal with the relational or the financial issues that commonly arise in marriage.

There is no question that today’s young couples are facing many complex pressures. The typical marriage – managing two careers while rearing children – requires that couples have very strong, well-established skills to express their feelings, to communicate, to clarify their expectations and to resolve issues.  Problems can intrude much more easily than most couples realize. Marriage preparation can function as an immunization that boosts a couple’s capacity to handle potential difficulties.

Premarital education may be the “silver bullet” that our community needs to enable young marriages to thrive. Such education would provide knowledge and skills-based training. Topics to be covered should include: talking and listening skills, self-awareness, expectations, stress styles, decision-making, caring behaviors and financial awareness.

Premarital education is important for several reasons. First, it helps couples assess potential conflict areas stemming from different views or expectations concerning issues such as finances, work and children. Second, it gives couples a sense of confidence that if and when a problem arises they have a set of skills that can help them resolve their challenges. Third, by participating in a premarital education program, couples are demonstrating that they are committed to collaborating together to solve problems that may arise.

Recently, there has been significant research in the field of premarital education, all of which demonstrates convincingly that it is effective and useful in relationships. One study, entitled “Self-Directed, Therapist-Directed, and Assessment-Based Interventions for Premarital Couples,” found that premarital education programs are especially effective for improving communication processes, learning conflict management skills and enhancing overall relationship quality (Busby et al, 2007). Another study, Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research, concluded that many premarital programs significantly improve relationship functioning and help couples maintain high levels of satisfaction. Furthermore, researchers found that premarital education encourages couples excited about their engagement simply to slow down and to talk about major areas of their relationship, and to hear about their future spouse’s perspectives on life and marriage (Carroll and Doherty, 2003).

The S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop

Shalom Task Force is an organization that was founded to promote healthy and peaceful marriages. In 2007, they recognized the paucity of premarital education in the Orthodox community and launched a new program called S.H.A.L.O.M Workshop (Starting Healthy And LOng lasting Marriages) that was designed to help prepare young couples for marriage.

The S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop, which has been presented to over 1,000 couples, is an evidence-based, scientifically-validated program designed to teach core relationship skills focusing on the centrality of bonding (attachment) and to develop a unique understanding of the logic of love and emotions. Offered in various locations across the metropolitan New York area by a team of trained, Orthodox presenters, S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop exercises are delivered to couples in either a private or group setting. The three- to four-hour-long program can take either one or several sessions to complete.  Couples learn practical, immediately-usable skills for improving interpersonal communication and understanding emotions. They learn how to navigate conflict and differences, uncover hidden expectations and assumptions that can otherwise sabotage close relationships, and identify “emotional allergies” they each may have, and what may trigger strong reactions.

Results of a customer satisfaction survey indicate that the most valued components of the program are the interactive exercises designed to increase bonding, build self-awareness, and improve communication and conflict resolution skills. The couples most valued each of the following components:

1.  Stress Styles of Communication: a graphic presentation designed to build awareness of their own typical reactions to stress. They learn how stress impacts on their style of communication, creating emotional distance rather than closeness and understanding.

2.  Daily Temperature Reading: an exercise tool meant to promote healthy habits, such as looking for and expressing appreciation to one another, keeping up with developments in each other’s lives, and expressing concerns along with specific requests for change.

3. “I Talk” vs. “You Talk”: an exercise in which couples practice framing critical messages and complaints in the language of “this is how I feel because of abc” rather than “abc is what you are doing wrong.”

4. Good Talking and Listening Skills: an interactive discussion that promotes awareness of non-verbal communication, which helps couples (1) become both more effective speakers, by recognizing the messages their spouse may actually be receiving from them, and (2) become more effective listeners, by recognizing the message their spouse is actually trying to convey to them.

5. Talking Tips: an in-depth exercise designed to give couples a structure they can use to practice effective listening and speaking skills while confiding in their partner about a complaint.  The Talking-Tips exercise leads the couple through a range of intentions, including objectively noticing a behavior, expressing hurt, frustration or worry, stating a specific request for change, and ending with positive appreciation and hopes.

6. “Care Bank”: a practice that reinforces the importance of couples building and storing positive feeling towards one another through regular actions and through words that promote feelings of appreciation and love.  The Care Bank helps each person articulate what uniquely makes them feel cared for.

7. “Emptying the Jug:” a technique for identifying and expressing pent-up emotions and helping couples get in touch with each other rather than attack each other.   This exercise stresses the importance of always ending an interaction with an expression of mutual appreciation – to the speaker for using the process of “emptying their jug,” and to the listener for being present and for listening with empathy and respect.

Feedback

Participant feedback generated through self-reporting pre- and post-tests was overwhelmingly positive, and revealed that:

• 98% said that they were better able to talk about their true feelings.

• 96% said they were more sensitive to each other’s feelings.

• 93% said they had more realistic expectations about building a healthy marriage.

• 93% said they learned how to talk more respectfully.
• 93% reported that they learned how to become better listeners.
• 93% said they learned some valuable communication tools that they can use to discuss difficult issues.
• 93% said they learned how to express their opinions and ideas more clearly.

• 92% learned how to resolve their differences more effectively.

Maybruch Study

It is important to note that the positive data from these pre and post-tests only reflected participants’ attitudes at the time they took the workshop, either while they were engaged or shortly after marriage. However, clearer evidence of the long-term efficacy of the program was revealed in 2011 by the results of a groundbreaking study on relationship satisfaction and pre-marital education, conducted by Dr. Chani Maybruch, of Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration (See Dr. Maybruch’s article in this issue). The study reviewed the relationship education that was being offered in the Orthodox community, examined the state of marriage relationships and considered what steps could be expected to have a positive impact. Over 2,750 respondents participated in an online survey, 91% of whom were married for the first time.  The online survey included questions on relationship education, including high school and premarital education for engaged couples.  The Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS), modified for Orthodox respondents, was used to measure the level of marital satisfaction (Maybruch, 2012b).

Eight hundred and thirty-two S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop graduates where invited to participate in the online survey; 74 individuals (8%) completed the survey.   A statistical test was conducted to determine whether or not there were differences in marital satisfaction as measured by the DAS between those who attended the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop for engaged couples, another premarital workshop, or no premarital workshop.  The difference in marital satisfaction between these three groups was statistically significant (that is, greater than would occur by chance).

According to Maybruch’s study, those who participated in the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop had the highest overall level of marital satisfaction, which was higher than both those who participated in another premarital workshop, and those who did not participate in any premarital workshop (Maybruch, 2012a).

Challenges

Considering how effective premarital education has been for Orthodox couples, why don’t more couples take advantage of it?  The primary reasons that have been identified are stigma, communal structure and time constraints.

Stigma

One of the greatest impediments to increased participation in premarital workshops is the perceived stigma associated with attending. Couples may fear that participating is a sign of weakness or that attending such a workshop may be viewed as a public admission that they are somehow in need of “help,” or that their engagement is “in trouble.”

Moreover, many Orthodox Jews are suspicious of mental health professionals in general. Some even view mental health professionals as representatives of the unchaste and decadent secular world from which they try to isolate themselves and their families (Schnall, 2006). They assume that these professionals will challenge their values or encourage them to compromise religious beliefs pertaining to marital behavior and religious standards.  When premarital relationship education is confused with therapy, it further reinforces the misimpression that the S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop is for people “in trouble.”

Communal Structure

In recent years, the vast majority of couples are being married not by the rabbi of their shul but by their rebbeim in yeshiva, who also provide them with pre-marital guidance. As a result, young men generally receive chosson classes that are designed within the context of their yeshiva. These classes tend to focus primarily on issues concerning taharas hamishpocho (halachos of family purity), generally do not teach communication and relationship skills and are less open to marital guidance that is not sourced in rabbinic literature.

Additionally, chosson and kallah teachers do not teach the couple-to-be together and are unable to see how they interact in a systemic fashion. Premarital education is a dynamic and interactive experience, where both chosson and kallah learn how to communicate with each other and to practice what they have learned in the classroom. They have the opportunity as a couple to ask instructors relevant questions pertaining to their unique style of interaction. Without seeing the couple together, little relational information can be detected. Witnessing first hand how the couple relates to each other provides important feedback for the instructor to modify or highlight certain communication exercises that can be tailored to the couple’s needs.

Time Constraints

The relatively short amount of time between the engagement and the wedding leaves a small window of opportunity for premarital education. During this period, young couples – who are usually attending yeshiva, pursuing an academic degree or working – are overwhelmed with wedding preparations, seeking living accommodations, and negotiating details with parents and in-laws. This dizzying period in a couple’s life is simply not conducive to the deliberate and focused process of developing the emotional foundation of their relationship.

Solutions

Since 2011, Shalom Task Force has trained over 75 Orthodox religious and lay leaders to present premarital programs in their communities. What is now needed is a community-wide response to combat the rising rate of divorce and to properly educate young couples on how to have a healthy and long-lasting marriage. For over twenty years, the South African Jewish community has mandated that all couples wishing to get married in a synagogue must complete a skills-based, premarital education program.  This process now needs the full support of the rabbinic leadership in the U.S., who can collectively institute premarital educational programs for all young couples.

Additionally, training more religious and lay leaders such as rabbis, rebbetzins, chosson and kallah teachers, and yeshiva rabbeim, to deliver premarital workshops needs to be a priority. Overall, religious institutions and mashgichim in yeshivas who traditionally prepare their students for marriage are likely the best candidates to deliver premarital education.  With widespread acceptance among the rabbinical and yeshiva communities, any stigma surrounding marriage education would disappear.

Finally, broadening the concept of premarital education to the first year of marriage, shana rishona, will give more couples the opportunity to take a marriage preparation workshop while their relationship is still in its formative stages.   This is a step Shalom Task Force took this year when it opened the S.H.A.L.O.M Workshop to both engaged and married couples.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

References

Busby, D., Ivey, D., Harris, Ates, C. (2007). Self-Directed, Therapist-Directed, and Assesment-Based Interventions for Premarital Couples. Family Relations 56.3 (2007): 279-290.

Carroll, J., and Doherty, J. (2003) Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research. Family Relations 52.2 (2003): 105.

Maybruch, C. (2012a). [Data from a survey on premarital education in the North American Orthodox Jewish community]. Unpublished raw data.

Maybruch, C. (2012b). Relationship Education for Modern Orthodox Jewish Adolescents and Marital Satisfaction: A Quantitative Study. (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). Yeshiva University, New York, NY.

Schnall, E. (2006). Multicultural Counseling and the Orthodox Jew. Journal of Counseling & Development, 84 (2006): 276-282.

Foreword to Summer 2012

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

The magnitude of the phenomenon of early divorce (i.e, within two years of marriage) and broken engagements within the Orthodox world has not yet been fully documented. Nevertheless, no one involved with young couples – batei dinim that deal with gittin, rabbis who provide counseling, chosson and kallah teachers, Orthodox health care professionals – doubts that the rates are growing rapidly.

Talk to your marriage-age children and each will know one, and usually more, contemporaries who are already divorced. That would not have been true a generation ago. A 21-year-old married woman from a major Orthodox community recently applied for a course preparing kallah teachers and was asked why she was interested in kallah teaching so early in her own married life. She responded that she already had six high school classmates who were divorced.

The Gemara (Gittin 90b) describes the Altar as shedding tears over every divorce. Yet the perception of divorce as a terrible tragedy is declining. In his article in this issue, Shaya Ostrov, an Orthodox marriage counselor, relates how he was told recently by someone he was counseling, “So what if I get divorced? Most of my friends already are, and they’re waiting for me to join them.” And this from a young kallah: “I’m not thrilled by his looks, and I don’t see why I should settle. Most of my friends have broken engagements and seem to be doing just fine.” Just as with intermarriage, the diminishing stigma attached to divorce is both a reflection of the growth of the phenomenon and a cause of its further acceleration.

On the one hand, early divorce is a subset of the larger issue of rising Orthodox divorce rates in all age groups. On the other, it is distinct in many ways. According to Rabbi Weinberger, a shocking percentage of the young divorces are over “trivialities,” not triggered by the serious issues that typically compromise marriages of middle-aged couples, such as familial trauma, unremitting financial pressure, or an affair. As an example of such “trivialities,” Shaya Ostrov cites a young kallah from a “heimish” background who decided her chosson was too boring because he did not fully appreciate her love of bungee jumping.

IN RESPONSE TO THE RISING RATE OF DIVORCE among young couples. Klal Perspectives’ Summer 5772 issue focuses on how young couples are being prepared for marriage, and offers various proposals for improving the marital preparation currently being provided. The authors’ proposals fall into two broad categories. The first group of writers addresses ways to improve the marriage preparation currently offered chassanim and kallot and to avoid pitfalls in the shidduch process itself. The second group addresses the lack of maturity of many young couples – in terms of missing life skills, lack of self-knowledge, unrealistic expectations, and a general unwillingness to take responsibility or work hard on the marital relationship.

The first area comprises the bulk of the issue, and yields many concrete suggestions that could be implemented relatively quickly and with the expectation of immediate results. Examples include expanding the scope of chosson and kallah classes, improving the training of chosson and kallah teachers, instituting marriage preparation classes for couples in such areas as communication skills and money management, and creating a formalized structure of follow-up with young couples after marriage.

But, as Rabbi Doniel Frank points out, all these proposals come with an important caveat. For those couples who have not navigated the developmental stages leading to young adulthood, expanded pre-marital training will be neither welcome nor engaging, and is unlikely to have much impact. More and more of our young people have not passed those stages. In an era in which social scientists speak of a period of “emerging adulthood” (which resembles an extension of the teenage years) into the late twenties, it is hardly surprising that the Orthodox community should have been adversely affected, and with particularly tragic results due to the societal norm of comparatively early marriage.

As noted by Dr. Yitzchak Schechter and others, too many Orthodox young people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations of instantaneous bliss and without any commitment to the hard work necessary to build and sustain a marriage. They have never had to work hard for anything in their lives or been forced to deal with situations outside of their “comfort zone.” David Seidemann, a matrimonial lawyer, currently finishing a book together with Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski and Rabbi Dovid Weinberger on rising divorce rates, After the Glass is Broken, terms this expectation of reward without any corresponding effort the “microwave effect.”

Shmuli Margulies, the founder of MESILA, an organization that trains individuals and families in issues connected to money management, points out that even the basic principle of financial education – a person’s spending is determined by his income – is unfamiliar to many young couples.  Spending decisions are dictated more often by what their friends and neighbors have than by what they can afford. His presentation includes numerous suggestions about how parents can inculcate proper attitudes towards money in their children.

But the problem goes deeper than that many of our children are spoiled and overprotected, argues Rabbi Frank. Many Orthodox young people have never adequately developed a sense of their own individuality (Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky once described every yeshiva as, to a greater or lesser extent, a “S’dom bed,” in which students are cut to the needs of the institution). And this lack of self-knowledge is expressed in deficits in their ability to make decisions, set goals, establish priorities, and plan for the future – all of which are crucial to a successful marriage. When it comes to shidduchim, they have long lists of what they want but a much weaker sense of what they have to offer a spouse.

As summed up by Dina Schoonmaker’s title “Marriage Preparation Begins at Age Two,” there are limits to the impact of any marriage preparation process that does not begin until shortly prior to the chupah. Qualities such as empathy and emotional resilience develop over a lifetime; they are not instilled in short courses. Children must learn early in life that their emotional state need not be determined by whether they attained some desired object or not, and taught techniques in controlling their emotional states.

NEVERTHELESS, despite their relative youth compared to the general population, the vast majority of Orthodox young couples do stay married. Orthodox divorce rates remain far below those for the general population. And the major Orthodox Union study on marital satisfaction, reviewed in this issue by Rabbi Steven Weil, while identifying areas in need of improvement, found that Orthodox couples report a higher level of marital satisfaction than the general public.

It must be assumed, then, that most young couples possess a sufficient level of maturity to build a successful marriage, and that enhanced preparation to facilitate the adjustment to married life is an important societal desideratum. The contributions that follow offer numerous concrete and useful suggestions on how bad shidduchim can be avoided and marriage preparation made more effective (Better preparation not only helps prevent early divorce, but enhances the marital satisfaction of the vast majority of couples who stay married).

By all accounts, the classes offered to kallot and chassanim today are far superior to those offered to their parents’ generation. For kallot, the instruction today is almost all individual, as opposed to the group format of a generation ago. Most kallah teachers and some chosson teachers undergo much more formal training than in the past.

In yeshivos, the chosson is much less likely than formerly to receive only a one-time chosson shmuess to supplement his study of the relevant halachic material. More often, he will meet at least four or five times with an experienced teacher to discuss the non-halachic aspects of marital intimacy and other topics related to successful married life. For example, such subjects as a woman’s emotional changes during pregnancy and possibility of post-partum depression are much more likely to be covered. Students in Ner Yisrael in Baltimore flock to the ten-part series about personal growth in the marriage relationship offered by Rabbi Shraga Neuberger, who has contributed an article on the subject to this issue.

At the same time, improvements in chosson and kallah teaching may not be uniform across the Orthodox spectrum. And there is evidence of room for further improvement. Dr. Steven Friedman, who treats sexual dysfunction, cites expressions of dissatisfaction with their chosson and kallah teachers by many of the couples who came to him for treatment. Since nearly half of those in his study of 41 couples also showed signs of other psychiatric issues, however, it is not clear how representative his sample was. But every contributor who addressed the need for preparation for marital intimacy stressed the importance of clear, explicit physiological information.

Physiological information, however, is only part of what is sometimes lacking. Dr. Schechter, the director of a large behavioral clinic serving the Orthodox population, points out that Orthodox youth are subjected to primarily negative messages about the opposite sex as they grow up, and those messages can continue to inhibit open expression in the marital context.

A good chosson or kallah teacher must be sensitive to the ways in which lifelong messages about tznius can be internalized in ways that impede marital intimacy. They must draw freely on the rich rabbinic literature stressing the importance of mutually satisfying marital intimacy for marital harmony. In this context, Rabbi Aharon Kotler, zt”l, used to explicate the verse, “kol kvuda bas melech p’nima (Tehillim 48:14) by pointing out that the language of kavod (honor) always has an aspect of revelation. That which the couple conceals from the outside world is revealed in the context of marital intimacy, becoming that much more powerful by virtue of the total exclusion of everyone else from that realm.

Even as the preparation of chassanim and kallot has improved dramatically, the challenges facing chosson and kallah teachers are also greater. An ever larger percentage of our young people – likely more men than women – have been exposed to sexually explicit images, in which there is an absolute divide between the mechanistic aspects of sexual relations and the emotional aspects of marital intimacy. As a consequence, they may enter marriage with totally unrealistic fantasies and a very distorted view of the emotional bond and caring necessary for fulfilling marital intimacy. Rabbi Asher Biron decries the fact that “some chosson teachers [and kallah teachers as well] have not fully adapted to this new reality and are failing to educate their students in the realm of marital intimacy.”

Numerous contributors stressed the need for follow-up with couples after marriage, when the information they were taught prior to marriage is no longer theoretical, citing favorably the formalized post-marital mentoring established in the Syrian community and in Belz and other Chassidic communities. As pointed out by Shifra Revah, Shira Hershoff and Sara Tendler, mentors can help to nip in the bud incipient tensions before they fester, and the mentor can also serve as a “first responder” in the case of serious problems. Each mentor needs to have a ready list of competent professionals to whom to refer the couple, if the need should arrive.  The kallah and chosson teachers are the most likely figures to provide that follow-up, which means that the selection of a kallah teacher with whom the kallah can establish a deep rapport is crucial.

THIS ISSUE OF KLAL PERSPECTIVES also highlights a relatively recent development: formalized pre-marital workshops for couples, designed to supplement their individual instruction with their respective chosson and kallah teachers. Such workshops provide opportunities for couples to work on communications skills, including role-playing exercises, learn some crucial rules for managing the inevitable marital conflict, and gain vital information on subjects like financial management and budgeting.

Dr. Schechter points to pre-marital courses for couples as an excellent way of pricking some overly idealistic balloons about the perfect bliss that awaits them, where never is heard a discouraging word and the children all sit happily at the Shabbos table with radiant smiles on their faces. They also offer the opportunity to discuss the ways in which the style of communication that may be appropriate to the “wars of Torah” between chavrusos in yeshiva can prove disastrous if employed with a wife, whose communication style is inevitably more consensus-oriented, not based on upshlugging (refuting) one’s study partner in the pursuit of truth.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, the executive director of Shalom Task Force and a trained marital and family counselor, describes the thinking behind the pioneering eight-hour S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshops (Starting Healthy and LOng-lasting Marriages), and the extremely positive feedback from participants in the program. Dr. Chani Maybruch, herself a veteran kallah teacher, cites statistics from her doctoral thesis on the impact of well-developed marriage preparation courses for couples on subsequent marital satisfaction.

As an alternative to such workshops, Dr. Neil Weisman, an Orthodox therapist, outlines a three-session pre-marital program that he conducts with couples, which helps them, inter alia, identify the communication styles and marital models in their respective families and consider the potential impact they may have on their own marriages. Shmuli Margulies focuses more narrowly on the issue of financial preparation for marriage, and Dr. Steven Friedman on preparation for marital intimacy.

NO DISCUSSION OF EARLY DIVORCE can ignore the process by which spouses are chosen, especially if, as Lisa Twerski states boldly, many of the early divorcing couples were simply unsuited for one another from the start.

There are certain inherent limitations to the shidduch process. The qualities that make for an enjoyable date may have little to do with the sustainability of a lifelong relationship. Rabbi Moshe Hauer notes, for instance, that during a shidduch meeting, each party’s attention is focused exclusively on the other. Marriage, however, requires the ability to always keep one’s spouse in mind, while attending to a hundred other matters.

Rabbi Hauer and others suggest that many of the qualities most crucial to a successful marriage – supportiveness, responsibility, honesty, empathy, physical and emotional strength – are often not the ones being emphasized in the shidduch process (Some may not even be ascertainable until put to the test). Too often, both parents and those dating fall into the superlative trap and are beguiled by qualities that may have little to do with the future relationship – the best learner, the brightest, most beautiful, richest, most meyuchasdik – and may come with a downside as well, in the form of a sense of entitlement.

Rabbi Hauer provides parents with six “conversations” to be had with their children before dating, during the shidduch process, and after the engagement to ensure that those involved are focused on what is most important. Parents must understand that their task is not just to escort their children to the chupah, but to prepare them for a successful marriage. As an important example, those who refuse to consider treatment for their children’s emotional issues out of fear of the impact on shidduchim or who conceal important information during shidduchim are not doing their children any favors (On the other hand, Dina Schoonmaker argues, even a condition requiring medication need be no barrier to a happy marriage, as long as it is disclosed appropriately during the shidduch process).

In at least one area, however, Lisa Twerski calls for less parental involvement. Rather than interpreting the “events” of dates for their children or trying to allay all their concerns, parents should encourage their child to address the concerns directly with the one they are dating, as a valuable tool to explore their emotional compatibility.

EACH ISSUE OF KLAL PERSPECTIVES is no more than an effort to stimulate communal discussion and the search for solutions to pressing communal problems. And this one is no exception. There remains an obvious need for empirical research – first, to determine how widespread is the phenomenon of early divorce, and, even more important, to ascertain the major factors in early divorces. We also need to know whether the issues discussed apply equally to the various Orthodox sub-communities, and how and why they differ. Dr. Schechter eloquently describes the need for more empirical research, and points out reasons why such research might actually be easier in the relatively close-knit Orthodox world.

Some relevant issues not addressed or dealt with only in passing include: the special problems confronting ba’alei teshuva in shidduchim and later in establishing Torah homes, without any models of what such a home looks like; means for identifying in the dating process those with the potential to be physically or emotionally abusive; the impact of parents and in-laws on early marital stress.

We encourage readers to address both the issues raised and those left unexplored in our expanded letters section.

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

To view the responses to this issue, CLICK HERE.

Foreword to Spring 2012

LAST AUTUMN, THE MAIDEN ISSUE of Klal Perspectives asked contributors to identify the most serious challenges facing American Orthodox Jewry.  One of the repeated responses was that many observant Jews suffer from the absence of a connection to G-d, Torah and the Jewish people.  In this new issue, we asked whether the experience of feeling disconnected is as rampant among observant Jews as suggested, and if true, to identify the causes. We then asked the most important question: what might be done by the community and by individuals to reverse this trend.

Thirty people were invited to contribute, and eighteen agreed. Those solicited included pulpit rabbis, educators, outreach professionals, roshei yeshiva, community activists and researchers.  Contributors uniformly agreed that the problem of being disconnected is real.  The only people who declined to support this observation were three roshei yeshiva teaching post-high school yeshiva students.  These roshei yeshiva, serving in three different types of yeshivas, each advised that they were unqualified to address the questions because they had no familiarity with the problem.  They explained that their students were all intensely connected and involved, and they had no indication that this strong connection weakened in the years after the students leave yeshiva.

Numerous writers noted that the problem of Jews being disconnected is not at all novel, and has plagued our people throughout the millennia.   Authors cited the calls of the earliest prophets for a refocus on religious passion and intensity. The problem continued up and through today, as reflected by the advent of the mussar movement and of Chassidus, both referenced by many contributors.

There was also a general view that achieving a feeling of connecting is vital.  Rabbi Ahron Lopinasky cited two reasons: “First, ahava and yirah and simcha are core Torah values, and second, when Torah observance reflects solely a sense of duty and obligation, the commitment withers and atrophies.”  Rabbi Gidon Rothstein cautioned, however, that “While it is certainly enjoyable when we find activities that provide satisfaction and fulfillment, we cannot use those feelings or their absence as the barometers by which we judge success.” Rabbi Rothstein cautioned against confusing serving G-d and personal fulfillment: “Many Jews – even highly observant ones – seek only ‘personal fulfillment,’ which to them means ridding themselves of obligations, thereby freeing themselves to act as they wish.” Rabbi Rothstein continued: “As Rabbi Joseph Baer Soloveitchik, zt”l, pungently commented, ‘The problem with American Jews is that they don’t want to daven, they want to have davened.’”

Notwithstanding the repeated accusations that this disconnect reflects laziness and apathy, there was some sympathy for the disconnected Jew.  Rabbi Benzion Twerski suggested that, unlike the apathy prevalent prior to the advent of Chassidus, many contemporary Jews recognize that they are missing something:  “The only difference between the days of the advent of Chassidus and today is that in our day we know, at least in our hearts, that we should be yearning when we are not, and that we should be singing, though we may not.”  Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser related the same theme, as did Rabbi Moshe Weinberger in describing his arrival to deliver a lecture at an outreach seminar, only to find that many of the attendees were fully observant Jews, searching for the same depth of passionate Judaism being taught to the non-observant.  Moishe Bane suggested that Jews can hardly be held wholly accountable for a lack of connection after suffering for two thousand years in a bitter exile of hester panim.

Authors provided a wide array of possible sources of the disconnect felt by so many Orthodox Jews, as well as possible solutions and responses that might be pursued on either a communal or personal basis.

Rabbi Goldwasser, among others, noted the intrusive nature of external influences such as the Internet: “The information highway has, with unprecedented speed, breached our fortifications and penetrated the security of our homes.” Rabbi Shalom Baum, however, cautioned against placing too much blame on the Internet, suggesting that the true problem is not external influences but rather that “we avoid the importance of being more inwardly focused.”  Similarly, Rabbi Weinberger, though noting the extreme dangers of the Internet, warned against focusing too heavily on attacking the damaging effects of technology: “if on Monday, the anti-Internet convention takes a powerful swipe at the latest technology, by Tuesday the kids (and the young at heart) discover something better and faster.”  Rabbi Weinberger joined others, such as Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox, who explained that many dispirited Orthodox Jews complain that “spirituality was never well defined and was never really talked about either at home or in yeshiva education.”

This absence of focus on the internal meaning of mitzvos was a repeated theme.  Rabbi Shmuel Silber lamented that “we focus on the rules but not on their meaning and relevance.”  Rabbi Silber noted that while schools play an important role, “it is at home where Torah knowledge must come alive.”

Rabbi Silber and many of the other writers, however, focused primarily on the role of education in influencing the degree of disconnect experienced by community members, suggesting numerous changes in yeshiva education that are necessary to enhance the sense of connection to G-d.  Rabbi Yitzchok Feigenbaum took our schools to task for failing to prepare our children to live as well-adjusted, religious Jews. He noted that our schools overly emphasize external accomplishments and fail to provide opportunities for personal success.  Rabbi Feigenbaum also emphasized that schools must facilitate individualism and encourage the questioning of religious ideas, both of which are necessary for a deeper and more meaningful engagement with Yiddishkeit.  Finally, he argued that schools must validate, rather than ignore or dismiss, the religious struggles that students confront.  Mrs. Chaya Newman echoed the view of many others that yeshivas teach only information, but fail to inculcate other dimensions of Yiddishkeit: “Perhaps it is time for all schools and yeshivas to create a curriculum whose main goal is inspiration and emotional connection.”  Mrs. Shifra Rabenstein similarly argued that “teachers impart information but fail to give over the warmth of Yiddishkeit.”    Several writers suggested that the more important supplement to be added to school curricula is increased focus on the reasons behind mitzvos and the basics in Jewish thought. In the words of Rabbi Weinberger, “The thirteen fundamental principles of faith must become a basic part of the curriculum in all schools and shuls.”  This point was reiterated by Jonathan Rosenblum, who wrote; “To the extent that our children have not internalized the fundamentals of emunah, they are vulnerable to the myriad temptations with which they are bombarded.”

Rather than criticize our schools for the limited preparation for spiritual growth provided by our educational system, Rabbi Yaakov Glasser argued that schools cannot be expected to provide that dimension of the students’ growth.  Rabbi Glasser observed that the academic structure of schooling necessarily requires a focus on grades and measurable accomplishments, which is antithetical to an environment conducive to spiritual exploration and development. Mrs. Rabenstein addressed this concern by suggesting that teachers spend more time with students outside the classroom. Similarly, Rabbi Lopiansky noted that the great European yeshivas were primarily led by major personalities, who served as both mentors as role models of connecting to HKBH. He urged yeshivas to renew their focus on hiring rebbeim whose lives exemplify spiritual heights, and who could thereby serve as spiritual mentors to the students, a view shared by others. Rabbi Glasser, however, took a different tack, suggesting that students need the additional dimension of informal education to address many needs that cannot be met in the classroom.  Rabbi Glasser noted that informal education models provide students with a non-judgmental environment that allows for greater individuality, a safer context for questioning and exploration of ideas, and often an oasis from the cynicism that permeates many classrooms.

Rabbi Shaya Karlinsky presented a completely different approach to the absence of connection, suggesting that “the root cause of people not feeling a connection with G-d (or with society) is frequently the absence of a true connection with one’s own self.”  Rabbi Karlinsky first explained that being in touch with one’s self serves as the predicate of understanding the concept of relationships.  Moreover, it is critical to the appreciation of one’s own self-worth – also a critical predicate to developing a connection with G-d.  Rabbi Karlinsky also noted that the prevalence of materialism dampens one’s potential for spiritual connections, a lament shared by others.  Rabbi Dovid Goldman  suggested a focus on the holistic needs of others, as well as one’s own potential and the role that Torah plays to meet our own needs.  Moishe Bane suggested that a threshold prerequisite to connecting to G-d is a connection to the Jewish community, but that current social values and lifestyle influences stymie opportunities for the creating of deep and intimate connections among peers. Jonathan Rosenblum pointed out that one’s ability to connect o HKBH is often directly related to the degree that one’s overall life experience as an observant Jew is positive.

Certain writers suggested that a significant source of the lack of connection is the rote by which many Jews observe mitzvos, but writers could not understand why people fail to pay more attention to mitzvah observance.  Rabbi Lopiansky explained that G-d gave us the gift of “habit” to allow us to preserve our concentration for the more important aspects of life. Unfortunately, “the tendency to allow habit to control our behavior also affects important activities, including religious ones.”  Rabbi Twerski, among others, highlighted the ease by which so many mitzvos can be observed by virtue of the conveniences now available.  As Mrs. Rabenstein observed, “Perhaps it is the ease of access itself that allows for religious practice without much depth or connection.”  Rabbi Twerski suggested that the absence of the effort to prepare to perform mitzvos has reduced peoples’ feelings and emotional connection to the mitzvos.  “Preparation is not an issue of necessity; rather, it is a vital manifestation of our excitement about the amazing opportunity to serve Hashem.”  Rabbi Twerski suggested that preparation can also take other forms, such as studying the halachos and meaning of a mitzvah prior to its performance.

Finally, many contributors suggested a wide array of writings that could serve as a source of hashkafic guidance, as well as inspiration. Many writers suggested the Nesivos Shalom, by the Slonimer Rebbe, zt”l.  As described by Rabbi Adlerstein, this sefer is widely read because “He speaks often and speaks practically about the quality of connection with HKBH, because that is what it is all about…We should not underestimate the boost that we can get from this set of seforim.”  Rabbi Adlerstein suggested additional readings, as did Rabbis Fox, Twerski and Weinberger.

The discussion in these submissions certainly do not exhaust the topic, and are intended to lead to further exploration.  For example, though Rabbi Feigenbaum addressed the needs of high school girls, none of the writers addressed whether there are distinctions in the degree of connection felt by men and women within the community, and whether solutions may differ among the genders.  While there were suggestions that excessive materialism may play a role in stifling spirituality, there was little discussion of the influence of financial challenges.  Based upon studies of the communal integration of baalei teshuva, Judith Cahn presented research that evidenced the interplay between being connected, generally, and feeling connected religiously.  But, other than general references by Rabbis Goldman and Karlinsky, there was very little discussion about the relationship between actual happiness and success and the feeling of being connected to G-d.  Similarly, there was no discussion of the possible interplay between a person’s capacity to express gratitude and the feeling of a connection to G-d.

We believe that this issue of Klal Perspectives simply scratches the surface of this central topic.  We invite our readers to participate in this crucial discussion, specifically by sharing brief descriptions of communal and educational models with a proven effectiveness at creating and enhancing connection. Submissions should be no longer than three paragraphs and can be sent to editor@klalperspectives.org.