Michael Levy

From Conversations: Readers Respond to A Review of Kiruv

Developing and Implementing a Target-Centered Cooperative Outreach Strategy

 

For the purposes of this article, those who conduct outreach will be referred to as “sources.” Recipients of outreach efforts will be referred to as “targets.”

Many of the contributors to the Fall 2012 issue of Klal Perspectives are also Sources, who can justifiably highlight outreach successes. Rather than competing, the sources should consider coordinating their strategies to maximize their effectiveness through a cooperative target-centered approach.

An Ailment that Requires Treatment

If Orthodox Judaism is the heart of Klal Yisrael, then assimilation occurs most severely in the extremities of the body that are farthest from the heart. These extremities have the least access to the nourishment provided by Torah-rich arteries.

Some doctors specialize in short-term treatment to stave off the progress of symptoms, even though they know that only long-term treatment can cure the ailment. A doctor who specializes in long-term treatment, however, understands that short-term treatment will only keep a patient from succumbing to the ailment for a while, but recognizes that the patient must also undergo long-term treatment at the same time.

Since financial and manpower resources are limited, target-centered coordination among “specialists” can maximize the effectiveness of treatment efforts.

Three Outreach Models

All the contributors refer to one or more of three outreach models:

The Avraham Avinu Model

First and foremost, Avraham Avinu helped wayfarers based on their particular needs for food and shelter. Only after their needs were satisfied did he introduce them to monotheism. At least initially, what attracted them was his generosity and care. They saw the joy with which he greeted his guests, and felt comfortable because they were clearly the focus of his undivided attention, to the point that he (in one midrashic incident) gave them higher priority than the Shechina (Divine Presence) itself.

Avraham’s “treatment” was short-term. People continued their journeys with a more positive outlook regarding monotheism. Some of the men engaged in further study with Avraham; some women studied with Sarah.

As many of the contributors to Klal Perspectives pointed out, today’s wayfarers travel on the Internet and social media. Rabbi Ilan Feldman discovered wayfarers during an Israel trip. Lori Palatnik brings them together through the Jewish Women’s Renaissance Project. Chabad is admirably famous for seeking wayfarers worldwide, and offering them a warm and nourishing home away from home.

As part of its work, Aish HaTorah provides spiritual places of lodging to Internet travelers. Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald advocates frequenting the ever-changing roads traveled by the wayfarers, just as Avraham would leave his tent to seek wayfarers where they might be traveling.

Today, there seem to be fewer wayfarers on the road than in the past. As far as I can determine, no contributor mentioned that the Jewish population as a whole, like its secular counterpart, is aging. In addition, a multitude of secular blandishments have convinced many Jews that they have reached their Promised Land, even if it contains little or no authentic Judaism.

Sources may offer these “at-home” Jews a variety of incentives to leave their comfort zones, but in the long run, you cannot effectively treat someone who considers himself to be perfectly healthy.

We have a tradition that our “Jewish patients,” even the most assimilated, have a spiritual genetic trait that mystically draws them to Avraham’s tent. One can only pray that the “pintele Yid” is strong enough to withstand a very powerful malady.

There are Jews who are physically as well as spiritually lonely. The “soulful Judaism” described by Rabbi Moshe Weinberger in a previous issue, and similar settings like Carlebach minyanim, succeed because they not only are enthusiastic about G-d, but also show love to fellow Jews.

We are Ignoring Many Wayfarers

While contributors mentioned individuals estranged from their heritage, they ignored populations who seek access to Judaism but face barriers.

Print-disabled individuals have limited access to learning and davening (inaccessible websites are inexcusable). Jews with mobility impairments are unable to attend places of worship, study and celebration. Attitudinal barriers keep many Jews with disabilities (who may number up to 15% of the population) from enjoying the rich ongoing life of Klal Yisrael.

The intense, lifelong services provided to perhaps 10,000 to 20,000 Jews, mostly cognitively disabled, are laudable. However, it does not please me that intense dramatic attention focuses exclusively on them, and their specialness and courage, while, hundreds of thousands of other Jews losing their sight, hearing, ability to communicate, and mobility, or never having had these faculties to lose to begin with, are at best ignored and sometimes not welcomed by Orthodox Judaism. Even the zero-cost accommodations they request are sometimes ignored.

Christians have always offered a warm welcome to the Jewish disabled. Some of the Orthodox Jewish disabled find a more welcoming home in other Jewish denominations.

Many Jews with disabilities call, and there is no response. Understandably, they may eventually stop calling.

Sources who promote lifelong services for Jews with certain disabilities may, perhaps unintentionally, have convinced Klal Yisrael that they are serving all disabled Jews. Meanwhile, less costly and sometimes more temporary accommodations for the vast majority of Jews with disabilities continue to be overlooked. To paraphrase Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald, the Orthodox Jewish establishment should consider the many thousands of Jewish souls in the disability community who are being lost and who will be lost because of their further alienation.

Circumstances may force women to become wayfarers at any stage of their lives. They are a minority in society and must struggle against cultural bias and sometimes not so hidden discrimination. In the Jewish world, including the Orthodox Jewish world, attention and reward may more often be lavished on boys and men.

Can halacha accommodate women who wish to see and hear the rabbi? Can a multi-minyan structure enable husbands to care for the children while their wives hear a drasha? Would not such innovations constitute a kind of outreach?

Other marginalized groups include singles (especially those raising families or widowed in old age), divorcees, women considered unattractive and less suitable for shidduchim, broken families, people too poor to pay for the affiliation they seek, individual Jewish children who need Big Sisters and Big Brothers, the Jewish homeless, those fighting government, insurance and other bureaucracies for needed services, benefits and treatments, those coping with serious illness, the Jewish unemployed, newcomers to a neighborhood and families experiencing stressful life cycle events like birth and bereavement.

In many of these situations, what is most needed is a smiling face and a helping hand. If it is a smiling Orthodox Jewish face and a smiling Orthodox Jewish helping hand, that is outreach.

Our rabbis and educators must lead us in reminding every single observant Jew that any kindness or assistance that he/she can provide to a fellow Jew, of whatever denomination, is a potentially successful outreach. Success is measured in these cases by the target understanding that another Jew cares for him.

At least for now, some of the less affiliated targets have identifiably Jewish names. In this respect, the social media and data mining could search out those in need of assistance.

A Lesson from the Past

In its heyday, the Conservative Jewish United Synagogue Youth (USY) offered a variety of Jewish experiences. Many teenagers came to USY to enjoy a Jewish social event, with perhaps a passing interest in Jewish observance.

At USY events, there were always peers and leaders who were a little more serious, who intimated that there was more to Judaism than a fun time. Those USY-ers who were interested gravitated to these peers and leaders. They were self-selecting; there was no judgment or coercion, just friendship and genuine care.

In addition to offering a welcoming front door, those who employ the Avraham outreach model should provide guiding lights to a door for those who wish to take the next step on the journey towards observance.

Perhaps we could expand Chabad’s strategy of establishing entry points wherever Jews of any or no affiliation gather. Orthodox Jews with something informative and genuine to say should consider appearing at Limmud conventions, federation gatherings and even nominally Jewish sports events and concerts.

The Yeshiva Model

Non-halachic Jewish movements become extinct. This is not a condemnation or judgment. It is a historical fact.

Returning to the medical analogy, halachic observance is a cure for those alienated from the observant heart of Klal Yisrael. As was pointed out in the Fall 2012 issue of Klal Perspectives, sometimes treatment is not an effective option, because it comes too late.

Any study of Torah is meritorious. While chevruta or institution-based learning is ideal, every outreach organization should appreciate all genuine online and adult education learning opportunities, not just its own Internet initiatives or the Jewish websites that attract the most “hits.” Don’t leave out Rabbi Simon Jacobson or Rabbi David Fohrman.

Before addressing outreach co-ordination efforts, there is one more model to examine.

š The Inspirational Model

The more an outreach effort relies solely on inspiration, the less likely it is to succeed. Inspiration has a long and mostly disastrous history in Jewish tradition.

The enthusiasm generated by the miracle at the splitting of the sea lasted a couple of days. Some of Bnei Yisrael worshipped the golden calf forty days after the revelation at Sinai.

From the judges through Elijah’s confrontation with the Baal prophets, inspirational victories and miracles were often followed by backsliding. In today’s cynical society, even a whiff of inspirational rhetoric will cause many Jews to seek cover elsewhere.

Inspiration can be a short-term draw, but it will succeed only as much as it partakes of the Avraham and Yeshiva outreach models.

A Common and Cooperative Outreach Strategy

At the very least, the Internet could feature an indexed outreach clearing-house of all Orthodox Jewish outreach movements. It could contain standard location, description and contact information, and perhaps a brief blurb. Jews seeking “something” could peruse the clearing-house. I am thinking of an Orthodox version of shamash.org.

Alternatively, sources employing the Avraham outreach model could cooperate to produce a standard written form, which an individual can choose to complete. This form could be compared to “medical history and current condition” forms which “entry point doctors” use to assess a patient.

The form should be developed in such a way as to guide the target to the next step which would be most effective and appropriate for him/her. It could be done by “computer match,” or a human guide not biased towards any particular outreach initiative.

Herein is the “crunch point”:

Let’s say that Source X has succeeded in increasing the interest of Target A in Judaism. However, the most effective step for Target A might be to seek affiliation not just with Source X, or not at all with Source X, but rather with Source Y. Sources will need to sort out the inevitable financial and political complications. The point remains: all sources should keep the target’s best interests in mind, and realize that, while they have accompanied the target on part of his or her journey/treatment, it may be time for another guide, or spiritual doctor, to take over.

Letters to the Editor

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

To the Editors,

Rabbi Weinberger’s words (“Just One Thing is Missing: The Soul,” Spring 2012) on how Shabbat is lost for many of the children, teens, and parents of the community is a horrible reality. A number of years ago (I was 18 years old at the time), a few friends and I tried to fight it and we experienced some success. We started a Friday night oneg for teens in the community who were looking for a place to be away from home, to come and feel comfortable and get a meaningful taste of Shabbat. For many years, friends who never celebrated Shabbat would call up and ask if there was going to be an oneg that week and if they can help to make one and so on. As the years went on we had enough people to make a Carlebach minyan in someone’s home Friday night and then share a meal. The main idea was for a mix of friends, some more religious than others, to inspire each other by showing how much one can enjoy Shabbat without having to be at a religious extreme.

Perhaps this model can work for others, as well.

Steven Floumanhaft

Queens, New York

 

To the Editors,

I would like to suggest, along the lines of Moishe Bane’s article (“Merely Coping,” Spring 2012), that the increasing sense of disconnection many are feeling is due to a lack of social connection in shul. When an individual feels social alienation, it takes away from the ability to feel spiritually connected. On the other hand, when the individual experiences ahavas yisroel from other shul members, that individual is better able to develop spiritual connection.

I wonder if working on increasing ahavas Yisroel in shul will help to enhance the spiritual connection of many people. The frenetic lifestyle that many of us lead also adds to social disconnect and alienation from the community, and so shul becomes an even more important venue.

Some writers mentioned the phenomena of at-risk teens and draw a parallel to frum adults who are at risk for spiritual alienation. Teens who are at risk are often those who do not fit in to the mainstream yeshiva experience, and, as a result, experience social isolation and then spiritual alienation. Could the same thing be happening to frum adults who find they do not “fit in” in shul, and as a result, experience social isolation and then spiritual alienation?

Hatzlacha with Klal Perspectives,

Mrs. Sema Ely

Baltimore, Maryland

 

To the Editors,

I was greatly inspired and encouraged by the essays in the spring issue of Klal Perspectives. Almost all of the responses suggested greater emunah, deeper hashkafa, and study of mussar and chassidus so as to create a real connection with Hashem. The following Rambam, which testifies to the significance of such study, is worthy of mention:

The Rambam writes extensively in his commentary to the last mishnah of Berachos regarding the subject of why tzaddikim sometimes suffer. He acknowledges that he has gone ‘off topic’ from the mishnah’s material and he justifies doing so with this very telling and instructive remark:

“This is not the place to explain all this, except for the fact that I intend to discuss briefly all matters of emunah and faith whenever there is a mention of it because the subject of the fundamentals of our religion and emunah is more precious to me to teach more than anything else that I teach.”

Here’s an idea regarding connection.

Shul rabbis (and presidents) of the world, please consider the following real, practical suggestion, which can be easily implemented and will no doubt enhance our connection with HaKadosh Baruch Hu:

For too many people, davening just isn’t exciting. They view it as a tedious experience, and so they are more interested in finding the ‘fastest minyan in town,’ rather than the one that is most inspirational.

In the words of the recently niftar Rav Gedalya Eisman, Mashgiach of Yeshivas Kol Torah for over 50 years, “I’ve seen a lot of eccentric people, but I never saw any of them daydreaming while reading a newspaper. And why? Because they find it interesting. We have to make our davening and learning interesting, by keeping it fresh and engaging!”

So here’s the idea: The rabbi of the shul, or a rotation of members perhaps, offers a very brief remark, insight, thought before each davening – even 20-30 seconds. Why should our minyanim begin with zero inspiration, especially given that they are recited (for good reason) in a language other than our mother tongue? Someone should be cheering us on, focusing our attention on what we are about to do,why we are here, etc. Sadly, I think we can say that Christians enjoy church and leave church somewhat energized and uplifted. Can we say we leave shul feeling the same? We need a davening where the rabbi helps us, guides us, and yes, ‘cheers us on’ with real and relevant messages about the davening (at the times where it is permitted to talk, of course).

Would it feel ‘corny’ and be strange at first to adopt this? Yes. Would such a practice in all shuls around the world radically improve how we feel at davening and how we feel when we leave davening. Definitely, yes.

Why not begin this practice? It will help us connect to Hashem.

Boruch Leff

Baltimore, Maryland

 

To the Editors,

I’ve read all three issues of Klal Perspectives and, while I found the questions posed in the third issue very relevant, the answers made me feel that I am living in an alternate universe. I wonder whether the writers understand that people such as myself even exist.

Both Mrs. Chaya Newman (A Time for Inspiration) and Jonathan Rosenblum (Creating an Environment for Developing Closeness to Hashem) claimed in the Spring 2012 issue that the lack of connection to Hashem can be blamed on the rampant materialism in our society. In Winter 2012, Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark (Why Can’t We See that the Jewish Home is in Crisis?) asks if we are willing to change our materialistic lifestyle for a Torah lifestyle. I am busy enough with life that I have no time for a lifestyle.

I am 43 years old. I work as an executive in an international company. This entails long hours, travel and constant pressure. I am out of the house most days from 5:30am till 9:30pm. I don’t enjoy the business, or the corporate politics. My wife works out of the house from 10am-3pm. We are blessed with six children. We are both constantly tired and under stress.

Jonathan Rosenblum claims that “nearly every mechanech in Israel who deals with American students comments on …the too great materialism.” I regret that the mechanchim didn’t meet my two daughters who didn’t go to Israel to study, despite our desire, because $25,000 for a year in seminary is simply unaffordable. Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark sarcastically discusses the “need” for two cars. I have one 2004 Chevy Venture with 130,000 miles. I haven’t taken a vacation in over nine years (yes, I work on chol hamoed).

I married off my daughter about a year ago, and the wedding night cost me almost $20,000. A few weeks after the wedding, my eight-year-old daughter came home crying that her friends said the chasuna was “nebby” (incidentally, her friend is the daughter of two mechanchim).

I don’t spend money on gourmet food, hobbies, designer clothing, liquor, etc. I pay federal, state and city taxes of about $50,000 a year. Tuition and summer camps average $45-50,000 a year, health insurance, deductibles, dentist, etc. $30,000, mortgage, real estate taxes and insurance $35,000 (we have a condominium, not a house).

Interaction with institutions in the community usually leaves me feeling exploited and cynical. The mosdos and tuition boards demand ever-increasing fees with ever-increasing attitude. My son, who is studying in an elite Yeshiva, was teased by his friends because his father is a baal habayis. Shadchanim call up and say things like I have a great boy, but first I want you to realize they turned down $1,500 a month just last week (Do I hear $1,750?).

I feel guilty that despite being blessed with healthy, accomplished children, a good marriage and a decent job, I feel discontent with my day-to-day life. I am working harder and harder just to keep afloat. I have no time or strength to think about spiritual growth or finding a connection to Hashem – and I am sure that I am not alone.

Charles Paskesz

Brooklyn, New York

 

To the Editors,

I found your topic and discussion in the Spring 2012 to be most informative. As a High School Rebbe in an out of town Mesivta, I am not wholly convinced that the problem of a lack of connection to Yiddeshkeit is as widespread as it was made out to be. However, I do believe that one very important tool that can be most effective in addressing this issue was left understated, if not almost totally omitted by your contributors.

Much ado was made about focusing our energies on more talk of the Ribono Shel Oilam and spirituality. I believe that this will ultimately have limited appeal. A total, true, accurate and correct concept of the Ribono Shel Oilam is an impossibility for the human mind. His true essence is outside of our natural phenomena and, therefore, it is understandably an impossibility for our minds to grasp. Singing, hisbodidus, and talk of spirituality will mainly appeal to those who are already, or are naturally, spirituality inclined.

For the frum intellectual, the path to connecting with Yiddeshkeit must also come from different sources. I believe that the path to creating this connection is to properly explain the purpose and mission of Judaism. First, develop a basic framework explaining the mission of Klal Yisrael. This can be achieved by defining what Hashem wants from us. It would be most beneficial to develop a systematic outline, starting from the basics and detailing the purpose and reason for Creation, Man, Nations of the World, Klal Yisrael, History, Mitzvos, Redemption and the World to Come, etc. We must be able to clearly explain the purpose of this world, the purpose of being a Yid, what we should focus on and where we should be heading. Second, explain the ta’amei hamitzvos (meaning of the mitzvos) and how they relate to, and are a vital part of, the mission outlined in Step One.

I believe that many people feel disconnected from Yiddeshkeit because of a lack of purpose and meaning. Giving people a grasp and understanding of reason, purpose and mission will help create connection, passion and conviction.

A. Aaron Elias

Miami Beach, Florida

 

To the Editors,

I want to thank you for being bold enough to address a common issue among observant Jews.   t The Spring 2012 issue touches on something that is for me – a Baal Teshuva of 26 years – very personal, and dear to my heart. Many of your contributors are individuals whose shiurim, written works, and public voices have shaped and inspired me throughout the years.

I became frum when I was 16, and started my formal yeshiva and college education after graduating from a public high school. Throughout the years, there are times when I have felt, as Rabbi Dr. Fox put it (The Abandonment of the Soul: The Struggle of Dispirited Observant Jews, Spring 2012), like the “Dispirited Observant.” There are struggles to get up in the morning to daven with a minyan, plenty of brachos made by rote, and the occasional yetzer hora to not learn on a Sunday night, hoping to  get to bed earlier. I know that I’m not alone, and am glad to see that this is being addressed in a positive forum.

A common thread mentioned in the articles is the idea of a chevra/group/vaad dedicated toward growth. I have both participated in and facilitated such groups – inspired in particular by the efforts of the AishDas Society. I have personally found the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh seforim (mentioned by Rav Moshe Weinberger in his article) to be a not only a recharger, but a compass for my own growth.

Baruch Hashem, Daf Yomi has become popular across the observant spectrum, but developing an active relationship with Hashem is not even on most people’s radar screens. We have effective campaigns against loshon hora, we have signs in shuls reminding us to turn off our cell phones, and many communities have gemach programs for  basic needs that people are lacking. What we really need is a gemach for personal growth. For some, growth is though learning Torah, while others can commit to meaningful davening, and still others can involve their selves and their families in chessed. Shuls, yeshivas, and laypeople have to work together to make these opportunities for growth available.

As a result of the Spring Issue, I was inspired to be proactive in my own community.  Over the past number of months I have been in contact with rabbonim in the Chicago area about an initiative I call G2G (Growing Together).  Hoping to be active this fall, G2G will provide listings in the Chicago area of growth-oriented shiurim and classes available to the community, in hope of bridging the gap between rote observance and inspiration.  It is a project of the AishDas Society (See next letter – Ed.).

Again, I thank you for taking time to seriously address  and offer solutions to a problem that hits home.

Neil Harris

Chicago, IL

 

To the Editors,

“מִי יַעֲלֶה בְהַר ה׳ — Who will ascend Hashem’s mountain?” (Tehillim 24:3)
It is an important question – perhaps the most important in life. I therefore thank the editors of Klal Perspectives for a thought-provoking issue that brings the topic to public discourse, and starts the conversation with such erudition and experienced voices.

Different people start their ascent from different points at the foot of that mountain, and therefore will need to travel in different directions to find the peak. All are b’nei aliyah – people actively pursuing ascent – and thus have a common spirit despite difference in derech (path).

Fifteen years ago, a group of us got together and founded the AishDas Society (www.aishdas.org) with an eye to facilitating the culture of growth necessary for the pursuit of a meaningful path, whichever path it may be. We sought pragmatic solutions to the question: How do we become b’nei aliyah?

Our first conclusion was that there was a need to invest more time studying aggadic texts. One needs to see how various mesoretic voices develop and describe the ideal before developing a program of working toward it. And these ideals need to be framed in a manner that fits a variety of personalities and talents.

While finding a personalized model of the Torah’s ideal may be primarily an intellectual pursuit, following that ideal is more experiential. We all know the problem of “akrasia,” even if that word is Greek to you. It is the question of why people do things they know are wrong or against their best interests. Knowing what’s right is not enough. “Veyadata hayom vehasheivosa el levavecha — You shall know today, and you will answer your heart.” Our minds know things that still need to make their way into the core of our beings, in order to change who we are and how we act. That level of deep impression is made by experiential programming, far more than the study of ideas.

AishDas has had success forming ve’adim (literally: committees) that follow the model of R’ Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, and found in Alei Shur volume II, sec. 2-3. The vaad concept is a product of the Mussar Movement, and those va’adim in section 2 of Alei Shur tend to be middos (character trait) oriented. However, a review of the topics in section 3 shows that the same format can be applied to goals such as adding passion to prayer. On the meta-level, it is a format that provides experience interacting and living up to a text. When a group of peers work together, they  can turn to one another for support, regardless of which approach up the mountain the group is taking.

So what is a vaad, as I am using the term? It’s a small sized group that studies a text regularly (like a chaburah). But they also explore how to apply the text to their own lives. Every session ends with some daily exercise that they take upon themselves to grow incrementally in that area (e.g., not to express anger at dinner time, or to spend time lingering on each word of one sentence of Shemoneh Esrei, feeling as many connotations and implications as possible before moving on, etc.).

A vaad meeting typically begins with a discussion of how things are going with the exercise, or with any other part of one’s avodas Hashem (service of G-d) for which one wants the group’s input. Text study follows, and then a discussion of how the ideal in the text applies to the lives of the members. Sessions conclude with a discussion of the exercise, which may be influenced by prior progress.

Ideally, this can be a synagogue-based institution, but we have convened va’adim successfully using conference calls, supplemented by email discussions. A sefer like Alei Shur, with its sequences of texts and exercises can be the basis for beginning to work as a group, even without the commitment of someone ready and able to prepare appropriate material. It takes just slightly more effort to do so with a text like the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh series, by R’ Itamar Schwartz. Obviously, a synagogue rabbi could learn to produce material for a vaad, perhaps after some experience with Rav Wolbe’s ve’adim. AishDas is available to provide experienced assistance to any group wishing to get started.

I believe deeply that the path up the mountain is setting the mind on a goal through learning, and making impressions in the heart through more experiential modalities. The vaad notion is but one option. I dream of a day when synagogues consider offering experiential programming to foster benei aliyah that are as de rigueur as daf yomi has become in these past few decades.

“Ben Zoma said… Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot.” If Ben Zoma meant happy with where they are now, his would be a recipe for complacency and stagnation. Rather, I believe he is telling us to be happy with our entire lot from birth to grave, the path Hashem places us upon. May Hashem grant us all further success in this worthy endeavor.

Rabbi Micha Berger

Passaic, New Jersey

 

To the Editors,

I read with great interest the spring issue of Klal Perspectives, in which the subject of large scale spiritual numbness in the Torah world was taken as the latest and newest crisis facing Klal Yisroel. The mere fact that it is an issue being discussed, however, is indicative of some level of spiritual vibrancy that we still maintain.

I ask you though, is the present situation that much worse than what Torah Jewry has faced during the last half millennium? Is today’s situation worse than that of 1492 Spanish Jewry, where fully half of the Jewish population chose to remain outward Christians rather than forsake their material possessions? Was not the Chassidic movement of the 1700’s a direct outgrowth of the large scale spiritual malaise that afflicted much of the masses of Eastern Europe? Didn’t German Jewry of the 18th and 19th centuries abandon Torah in such jaw dropping numbers that Frankfurt – once the crown jewel of Torah scholarship – could barely put together a minyan of shomrei Shabbos in 1850? Didn’t Vilna of 1939 – once considered the “Yerushalayim of Lita” – have 2/3 of its school children enrolled in anti-religious schools? Of the millions upon millions of Jews in Europe before WWII, why couldn’t the largest yeshiva muster more than four to five hundred students?

To be sure, the great men of that time were far greater than anything we today could imagine and even many of the “amcha” (simple Jews) were, in their own way, spiritual giants. But is it wise to  believe that we somehow have a new and terrible situation on our hands? Isn’t the current situation just a continuation of the larger reality, which we sometimes call ‘galus?’

Mr. Moishe Bane’s article (“Merely Coping,” Spring 2012), which touched on the ideas of hester panim and a two thousand year time period during which we haven’t intensely experienced our Father in Heaven, seemed most relevant to me. Simply put, we are nearing the end of a two-thousand-year marathon, during which millions of our brethren have dropped out; we are simply the weary she’airis haplaitah (remnant) holding on for dear life, desperate to see the time that we will be reunited with our Father in Heaven.

It seems to me that our generation suffers from something far worse than spiritual numbness: rampant pessimism. When did it become fashionable to label every problem our community faces “a crisis?” Why is it that too many of the articles bemoaning our generation’s spiritual state can be condened into the following: “Frum Jews are shallow automatons and only care about their image. Let’s blame the rabbonim, Agudah, yeshiva system, etc.”

I firmly believe that this pessimism is influenced by the secular media, which peddles frightening news as a means of garnering attention. How sad that we have allowed that to seep into our community.

Finally, while I thoroughly enjoyed R’ Moshe Weinberger’s response (“Just One Thing is Missing: The Soul,” Spring 2012), I couldn’t help but be bothered by his inclusion of the 90,000 people finishing daf yomi and of the endless gemachs as somehow indicative of a generation of religiosity without soul. It takes great effort for one to arise at the crack of dawn to do the daf, or to do so after a hard day’s work. Many of us find our seder in the morning to be a mechaye nefesh (life-giver) that sustains us throughout the day. Chessed, too, is not just an external act to most people, but rather it is a way we express our love of Hashem and His children.

Call me naïve, but I suspect that had the generations past seen how we are holding on despite of all the difficulties we’ve faced in this country over the last hundred years and that we continue to face today, they would be proud of us in spite of any shortcomings.

Meir Goldberg

Rutgers Jewish Xperience

Lakewood, New Jersey

 

Naaseh V’nishma

by Yitzchak Talansky

Rabbi Moshe Weinberger’s article, “Just One Thing is Missing: The Soul,” must strike a chord in anyone concerned with the malaise affecting our society. However, his presentation of the nature of the problem, its source, and more significantly his ideas for how to deal with it, give pause for thought. To a degree, this is an issue of emphasis, for

רחמנא ליבא בעי is surely part and parcel of our religious outlook, and a yiddishkeit performed by rote, devoid of the fire and passion that so characterized previous generations, is hardly what we are striving for.

Having said that, I propose that the problem lies not in the paucity of emphasis placed on experience and connection, but paradoxically, on the overemphasis of these elements. Almost without noticing, we have adopted the strategy of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” But unfortunately, we have entered a losing battle, because in trying to make the experience of Judaism better than the rest, we have agreed essentially to compete on their terms. By “their” I refer to the modern gentile world, which is characterized by a sophisticated as never before appeal to the senses.

What Rabbi Weinberger essentially advocates is a return to Tevye the milkman. Indeed, it certainly would be preferable if we lived with the kind of everyday relationship with Hashem that he did. But I seriously doubt that short of moving back to Anatevka, we will be able to replicate the feeling of dependency that Tevye had when he mounted his horse, – when we turn on the ignition in our Toyota. The gentile world has very much succeeded in strengthening the apparent causal nexus in life, (to a degree, that actually was their goal,) and we will have to adapt to this new reality. We ignore it at our own peril.

However there’s an even more basic issue. Although there certainly is a prominent place for emotion and feeling in avodas Hashem, one cannot build his religious foundation on it. Human emotion is too fickle; like grains of sand, it blows this way and then that way. One may be inspired to great heights, moved to high levels of deveykus, but then it wears off. By nature inspiration is sporadic, not the solid stuff necessary to build a bedrock of religiosity. The foundation must be built on the solid rock of commitment, and then reinforced with an iron sense of accomplishment. In contrast to emotion, commitment, a firm intellectually based decision to follow a certain path, is by definition, long lasting.

After the first step of commitment, comes connection, which results from involvement, primarily in learning. Not because the laws of a cow that gores will consciously give one a feeling of closeness to G-d, but rather because learning represents the actualization of commitment, which subsequently yields the fulfillment that accompanies accomplishment. For actualizing a commitment is the greatest accomplishment of all, and will naturally be experienced as such, with one critical caveat; people are trained to understand what they’re doing.

This then should be our two pronged educational goal;

• glorifying commitment fulfilled
• recasting learning from an endeavor whose sole purpose is defined and measured in terms of intellectual advancement, to one that carries ultimate meaning in and of itself as the fulfilling of a commitment.

To sum up, what strengthens more than anything, a person’s commitment to Torah and mitzvos is a feeling of accomplishment. Rather than increasing the shabbatonim and storytelling quotient in our educational system, we should increase the stress on the accomplishment that is learning.

“The defectors who simply couldn’t go on hiding and faking,” are empty because they have been raised in an environment that inculcates a need to feel constantly “high.” The antidote to this poison is not to try and outdo the other side with an even bigger high, but to reject the whole approach outright. “Lord get me high, get me higher,” sang Reb Shlomo a”h, but he was singing to people who were lost. People who had no commitment, who whose entire frame of reference was secular. This is still employed with some degree of success for that target audience by some in the kiruv industry. But that is not the approach for us. “Lama Nigara?” Because we thankfully, are not starting from ground zero.

Instead we should inform/teach those “who listlessly drag their feet through the motions of avodas Hashem,” who evidently have some degree of commitment, that it is a great and wonderful thing they do. Not a charade, but rather, an incredible accomplishment. Living with Hashem’s dictates, following His Torah, learning His Torah – even without any great kavanos, and intentions, indeed without any intentions at all – there’s nothing more significant in the entire creation. And then to encourage them, that when one does all this with fervor, it’s that much greater. As the Nefesh Hachaim stresses over and over, actions trump intentions, they come first and are more significant even when devoid of feeling.

Yes, we will be going against the tide. In a consumerist world which values experience above all, and has raised the attainment of new and varied experiences to the highest of levels, we will be saying no. But our adherents will come to recognize the joy and value in commitment, of sacrifice, of earning something through self-denial, of sticking-to-it even when you don’t feel like it. They will be energized to try harder, because they will find satisfaction and fulfillment in the effort expended itself, rather than in the experience promised to them.

With the proper training… sacrifice breeds fulfillment.

The reason ”something inside has died,” is not because it was a candle in the wind, but because there’s no longer a candle underneath at all. That being the case, a million sparks and attempts to light it will fail. What is needed is the laying of a solid foundation of commitment, followed by a strong sense of accomplishment. Rabbi Weinberger himself unwittingly alludes to this solution when he writes that “Our communities…..are swarming with Jews….who feel little connection to HaKadosh Baruch Hu…..this is apparent to anyone who has taken a peak outside the beis medrash.” Exactly.

This is not about intellectualism per se. It’s about commitment. Intellectualism is for the minority, but then again, the subset of people who can rise to the level of שויתי השם לנגדי תמיד by emphasizing relationship with Hashem, while existing in the modern workplace is just as small as the intellectual elite. But commitment is democratic; everyone can do it, and everyone can feel fulfilled from it. Young and old, male and female, more spiritual types and less spiritual types, ffb’s and bt’s.

Rather than merely noting that “the most sought after speakers and teachers are not known for their scholarship, but for their ability to inspire….by sharing their own experiences and struggles, we should be donning ashes and sackcloth over such a state of affairs! NCSY has won. It has replaced shiurim in our community’s intellectual life. Of course it has, it requires little effort and makes you feel good too. What’s not to like? But… what do you have to show for it, down the road?

Parenthetically, this whole approach has its roots in the twin devils of narcissism, and the need for instant gratification. “How do I feel?” starts with a concentration on “me.” Furthermore “How do I feel?” implies, how do I feel …at the moment. I want to feel close to G-d, and I want it now. Right now. What is actually needed is patience – patience to work slowly over a lifetime to instill in one’s heart the real relationship with Hashem that only comes by going down that road. “The Jew has taught me how to wait,” remarked Henrik Ibsen the Dutch playwrite. Halevai that it would be so today.

There’s an inescapable irony in Rabbi Weinberger’s observations, that the Aish Kodesh himself was bemoaning his lack of soul (understood, at his lofty level.) And at 40 years old no less. The attainment of an ongoing relationship with Hashem, keenly felt, is presented as a fairly simple accomplishment, accessible to one and all. In reality, it’s a madreiga of the highest order. It comes only after a lifetime of hard work.

Going to a shabbaton and being uplifted by the experience is very nice, but it’s fleeting. Viewed in a certain way, it can actually be dangerous because it gives people the impression that they are achieving something, when in reality they are simply answering emotional needs –having little to do with religious devotion, – that find redress in that type of setting. True, NCSY employs this method to great effect, but again, with a particular audience and with a very specific end-goal in mind, moving the kids on to yeshiva. It’s not a model to emulate for mainstream chinuch.

The end result of the kiruv oriented approach is that after 12 years of yeshiva education, and many more years of hearing inspirational speakers, people are left with very little content. No wonder they feel empty.

Incidentally, this approach has ramifications for many areas in life. When a couple expects to be inspired in marriage all the time…..well, we see what the end result often is. Contrast that with the approach that both partners understand that they are in it for the long haul, for better or for worse. That’s a marriage based on commitment, and it looks completely different.

A friend of mine with twenty years’ experience teaching limudei kodesh on Long Island in a well respected Modern Orthodox high school shared with me a few years ago the school’s educational goals. He said that all they try to do is get the kids to Israel. When I inquired as to why they didn’t think they could accomplish anything more substantial in four years, he responded that they were too busy being mekarev the kids to teach them anything. But these kids get to Israel needing more kiruv than ever!

Can this be called successful education? Maybe things would look different if the kids came out knowing something, and appreciating it. If graduating boys knew 10 daf, (20?) and had it drummed into them that this is an amazing accomplishment, an accomplishment for the ages, they would feel differently about themselves and their relationship to Yiddishkeit. If girls knew a whole sefer of Tanach well, maybe they would feel like they are getting somewhere. (This approach is as equally valid for girls, as it is for boys.)

Is the entire phenomenon of daf yomi not an exemplary proof of this approach? Forgive me daf yomi attendees but, it’s not the intellectual accomplishment. (As a pundit once said, when the Romans outlawed Torah learning, they didn’t have daf yomi in mind.) It’s the experience of learning, of fulfilling a commitment, – ingeniously celebrated with glossy saturation PR campaigns, and attendant mass gatherings. The results speak for themselves.

Indeed, the approach that Rabbi Weinberger advocates, is playing out before our eyes within the modern American yeshivas in Israel. Each succeeding yeshiva that opens, waters down its content a little more in the interest of kiruv. The end result is that this year, there is a new “yeshiva” opening that unabashedly announces on its web site that it offers gemara for a grand total of one hour a day, four days a week. Mind you, this is not a yeshiva for slow learners, or for intellectually challenged students. They are trying to get kids who are heading to the finest of colleges. Their pitch is…kiruv.

Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all panacea, and each one will find the path that suits his neshama. But the path to emunah for our generation, is the emunah gained from detecting and concurrently participating in the commitment that has characterized klal yisrael since its inception. As a matter of fact, this idea is inherent in the very meaning of the word “emunah.” which is correctly translated as “unswerving,” or “steadfast,” and relates to actions.

אל אמונה ואין עוול or ידיו של משה אמונה עד בא השמש

The English word “faith” represents a Christian concept.

As a program for school curricula, I propose that this emunah can be gained in two complementary ways;

• appreciation of limud torah. When a student is involved in learning, over time he slowly perceives that he is part of an unbroken chain of commitment stretching more than three thousand years. In this commitment he is joining thousands of others great and small, he is in the same game and on the same team with the likes of Rava and Abaye, Rashi and Tosfos, the Vilna Gaon and R’ Akiva Eiger, as well as with untold thousands of simple but committed Jews just like himself. This should be stressed and brought out in the classroom, for it bestows a sense of transcendence.
• history. Students who know Jewish history, – and secular history as well to provide context, – will be overwhelmed by the commitment that Klal Yisrael has shown to its ideals in myriad situations and places. This, too, affords them a context in which to see themselves as part of something larger than their individual selves.

“Making use of the methods commonly used in outreach such as storytelling, music, shabbatonim etc.” will lead to a completely superficial educational experience. Rather than the warm brand of experiential Yiddishkeit R’ Weinberger espouses, we need to get back to basics.

David Seidemann

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Prologue: The Experiences of a Matrimonial Lawyer

After the Glass is Broken

I don’t read statistics, nor do I rely on them. I don’t need to – I’ve been a practicing attorney for over twenty years, with the majority of my work these days centered in matrimonial or divorce law.

I don’t have to keep statistics. I experience it every day. The divorce rate among the Orthodox is skyrocketing. In fact, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, Rabbi Dovid Weinberger and I are currently working together on a book on this subject, entitled “After the Glass is Broken.” It will focus on the decline of the healthy and intact frum family. I have been asked to submit an article to this issue with a brief overview of some of the themes of our upcoming work.

Understand that divorce is simply the death certificate on a very sick relationship. For every divorcing couple that finds their way to my office and then through the court system, there are tens of marriages that are on life support. So the question is not just why the divorce rate in the frum community is skyrocketing, but why are so many relationships suffering?

In simple terms, I can tell you that the traditional, frum, intact Jewish family is being threatened by a series of “M” words. Some of these threats, all beginning with the letter M, are prevalent throughout society, while others, as you will read, are unique to our community.

Microwaves

In the olden days – by which I mean when I was a child – if I wanted something for lunch, we had to make it from scratch, waiting throughout the entire process. We were well conditioned to the fact that there was no such thing as fast food. The microwave, however, has changed everything – and not just food preparation. Within two minutes, I now can savor a dish that used to take my mother an hour and a half to make. Our entire lives are now lived on fast forward. No one has patience to deal with any discomfort. There is no working through the process. My spouse disappointed me, angered me or, G-d forbid, delayed my gratification? Out with the old and in with the new.

Our brains have actually been rewired to expect instant comfort. The thought of not having everything we want immediately has become unbearable.

While our parents and grandparents repaired, we replace. Instead of working it out, we throw it out. More than one young couple has told me that they entered marriage with the understanding that it was “for trial purposes” and that if things were not smooth sailing, as they say, they would simply move on to spouse number two.

Maids

Along with the instant gratification provided by the microwave is the easy life provided by the maids. Many yeshiva boys and their brides to be have never made a bed or washed a dish in their lives. It was simply left for the maid. These young couples are wholly unprepared to roll up their sleeves and sweat – whether in real terms or euphemistically. When one of them has expectations of the other, or children come along with their bundles of needs, there is no maid at the ready to care of it. And so those who do not rise to the occasion either wind up in my office or suffer together in dysfunction. If you want your son to do more for his wife, stop doing everything for him now. Let him do his own work, make his own mistakes, rise, fall and rise again by himself. Today’s children of Israel need to become the adults of Israel.

Mystique

There used to be a certain mystique to the intimate moments between husband and wife. No longer. The way many women dress these days, and the way men and women flirt, the mystique that was once reserved for one’s spouse is on display for the world to see. When a man wants his wife to dress a certain way, he is a fool if he thinks that other men don’t enjoy the look as well. And when a woman decides to dress that way, she cannot claim innocence. She is telling every man in shul, at the supermarket or at work, “Take a look at me; I am available to you – if not in reality, at least in your fantasies.”

Money

This “M” word destroys relationships in so many ways. I can tell you with certainty that the more money the couple has, the more bitter the divorce. But before the couple even arrives at that point, understand that money is the eternal spoiler. Children that grew up with everything provided by Mommy and Daddy simply cannot think for themselves. They cannot manage money by themselves. They cannot struggle to survive. They use money for dangerous activities that destroy the unity of a family. For this, I blame the parents that cannot say “no.” I have handled divorces for frum people who were compulsive gamblers, compulsive shoppers, alcoholics or porn addicts – all because there were never any boundaries.

On the other end of the spectrum, there is the family with no money, struggling to survive in the frum world. For this I blame the “institutions.” The lifestyle of a frum Jew is just too expensive for someone earning an honest living. I’ve seen many families crumble under the pressure of poverty – or of having to keep up with the Cohens – and others who resorted to dishonesty to make a living. Both scenarios are tragic and contribute to the decline of the healthy and intact frum family.

It is difficult to be a loving spouse or parent when one is depressed over the lack of money. It is difficult to be a committed spouse or parent when you never say no to yourself. And it’s pretty impossible to be a spouse or parent at all from jail.

 

Mental Illness

Rabbi Dr. Twerski has opined, and I have seen it in case after case, that there is an explosion of mental illness over the last number of years in our insular community. Whether it’s full blown mental illness, individual mental issues or the inability to deal with the “baggage” of a spouse, the reason for the explosion is not as important as the potential cure.

I suspect that the rise in individual mental issues is tied to the microwave mentality discussed above. The human mind has been so rewired that what starts with impatience and a demand for instant gratification, morphs into narcissism or OCD and then it’s off to the races. The answer? When such mental issues exist, admit them to yourself, disclose them to your intended spouse, and get professional help. Anxiety can be dealt with; deceit is a lot more difficult to navigate. Many marriages can be saved if the spouse would simply continue to take his or her medicine.

Matchmakers

I could write an entire book on matchmakers, or shadchanim, as we call them. What training do some of these self-appointed experts have? What questions are they asking and being asked? The divorce rate suggests that whatever they are, they are the wrong ones. I will offer but one example as an illustration.

A shadchan once asked me if a certain boy in Lakewood looked like his mother or looked like his father. I replied that a more appropriate question would be how often does he call his mother and his father. No one seems to be vetting the young man or woman, for example, as to how they deal with adversity. What he “brings to the table” (in character, maturity, responsibility) should be much more important than how and when his mother covers the table. Matchmakers need to consult with therapists more to learn what to ask, how to ask and whom to ask to learn what prospective spouses are really like. The “resumes” I have seen are vague, generic and shallow.

Mobility

This “M” word has an upside as well as a downside. Women today are not as tied to the house as they once were. They emerge in the workplace, presenting a challenge for them and their male co-workers to “keep it professional.” To be sure, women working as professionals – whether for personal fulfillment, a second income or because their husband is learning in kollel – has its rewards. But the rewards need to be balanced by the inevitable temptations. Unless the young man and woman are made aware of the trap, they will be unable to avoid it.

Another unintended consequence is that, in yesteryear, a woman depended solely on her husband for financial support. Bad as the marriage was, couples stayed together simply for financial reasons. In today’s environment, with more women earning a respectable income, it is easier for the young lady to leave her marriage and still make it on her own. This is a classic case of pick your poison.

Machatunim

Parents-in-law: please stay away. Work on your own relationship instead of meddling in your child’s. Countless marriages get dissolved, or are at least soured, by in-laws who offer free advice. Parents need to stay away and children need to have the strength to tell their parents, “thanks, but no thanks.”

There is no one answer to all of these “M” words, but a good place to start would be with another M word – Mentoring.

Young frum couples should be required to meet with competent rabbis, therapists and other married couples to discuss in detail how to deal with the inevitable conflicts that will arise during a marriage. Those meetings should take place prior to ordering invitations for the grand celebration of a marriage that may not last as long as everyone is anticipating. Simply identifying the above symptoms might lead to a cure – maybe not for the masses, but perhaps for a few brave souls who are not afraid to confront the truth.

David Seidemann is a partner in the law firm of Seidemann and Mermelstein (with offices in Cedarhurst and Brooklyn, NY), teaches Business Law at Touro College and is a former pulpit rabbi. He writes a weekly column for the Five Towns Jewish Times, entitled “From the Other Side of the Bench.”

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

To view the responses to this issue, CLICK HERE.

Dina Schoonmaker

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Marital Preparation Begins at Age Two

An oft-suggested response to the increasing reports of marriages that do not survive the first year is premarital counseling and education. In this article, I would like to propose that marital preparation must begin many years before children reach marriageable age. In fact, in some respects, we can begin preparing our children for marriage as early as their toddler years.

Another issue I will address is the manner in which parents manage the mental health of their children and how easily the wrong approach, even before dating begins, can lead to severe marital problems that could be avoided.

There are several skill sets that are especially important for marriage that parents should ideally be teaching their children from a young age: Independence in problem-solving, “self-regulating” their emotions, resilience and emotional giving.

Independence and Problem Solving

The frum super-mom may find it counterintuitive to allow a child to work out an argument with a friend, for example, or solve a problem in school without her intervention. Many parents have the misconception that simply fixing their child’s problems whenever they can is an expression of caring. The reality is that managing a child’s problems for them can be deeply harmful in the long term, since children can receive the unspoken message that they are incapable of managing their own problems and that when challenges arise, someone else is supposed to step in and take over. As a result, they lose the vital opportunity to develop the problem-solving skills, strength of character and self-reliance that is necessary for them to become independent.

This tendency on the part of parents to take care of things for their children can be particularly problematic in the shidduch process, with many unfortunate consequences. Too often, parents assume responsibility to create the “wish list” (usually, of what they are looking for), direct all the shidduch inquiries and do all the research. Some parents will even provide the shadchan with feedback about the dates – as if they can describe what transpired better than the one who actually went out!

The shidduch process must be treated as an essential step in preparing an individual for marriage. Children should be encouraged to compile their own “wish list,” including a limited number of non-negotiable needs, as well as the more negotiable preferences and ideals [1]. Children should be encouraged to individualize their list, adding adjectives that are more descriptive than the generic “good middos” and “yiras shamayim.” When children “take ownership” of the process, at least as much as their parents, they become more invested in the relationship and learn to assume responsibility for their marriage, as well.

Children should, therefore, be encouraged to communicate directly with the shadchan. A healthy marriage relationship certainly requires good communication skills, including the ability to articulate feelings and ideas in a nuanced way. Encouraging the child to hone these skills through describing to a shadchan their aspirations, concerns and reactions to a date is an obvious opportunity that should not be missed.

This approach continues even after the couple gets engaged. For example, it is traditional for an engaged chosson and kallah to exchange gifts, ideally as an expression of personal affection, but also to increase their bond to each other. Unfortunately, these gifts are typically selected by the respective parents, depriving the couple of the opportunity to build their own relationship. It is, therefore, not surprising when the pattern continues even into marriage, with parents choosing a young couple’s living arrangements (often in close proximity to them!), decorating the home and, in many cases, managing their finances.

If children are to develop the confidence to succeed independently, parents must empower them to do so, and this effort must begin at a very young age. Studies show that even toddlers are sensitive to parental cues regarding their ability to explore and master their environment, and they respond accordingly. Children who have enjoyed rewarding experiences of handling situations independently at every stage of their lives are better prepared to navigate the adjustment to marriage.

Self–Regulatory Skills vs. the “Quick Fix”

Controlling one’s emotions is especially challenging to children and teenagers, but it is also a challenge for many adults. For example, many individuals allow their emotions to express themselves immediately in their behavior, without first “regulating,” or processing, a deliberate response. They react to their circumstances spontaneously without attempting to understand and process their emotions. The failure to regulate one’s emotions often has dire consequences. In the most extreme examples, people quit their job, sell their house or terminate a relationship, without fully considering whether such decisions are truly warranted or will be regretted after the emotional reactions have subsided.  In no context is the importance of regulating emotions more important than in marriage.

Emotional regulation is not just the ability to control one’s behavioral response to an emotion, but also the self-interpretation of one’s own feelings. For example, in early stages of marriage, one must understand that one’s emotional state at any given time should not be taken as an indication of whether or not one’s choice of spouse was a good one, or of whether their spouse is a good person, or a kind person or a generous person. During this period of change and transition, when adjustments are difficult and emotions are intense, self-regulation is a vital process through which emotions can be placed in context and greater perspective can be achieved.

Preliminary steps in learning how to regulate one’s emotions begin with (1) learning how to recognize the onset of a strong emotion and intervening before the feeling escalates to the point at which it is unmanageable, and (2) focusing on changing the emotion rather than the circumstances.

One of the greatest gifts that a parent can bequeath to their children is the ability to “self regulate” their emotions, and the time to begin giving this is in early childhood. How do parents teach this skill to children? The first step is for parents to recognize this task as an important component of their parenting role. But, in the busy home of a frum family, even committed parents are often tempted to turn to “quick fixes,” at the expense of teaching emotional self-regulation.

For example, a mother pulled in multiple directions will be inclined to mollify her toddler’s tantrum by acceding to the demand for candy or a toy an older sibling is using. Alas, such “quick fixes” encourage emotional exploitation, teaching children that they will get their way by becoming emotional. Instead, parents should teach their young children to self-soothe. In these scenarios, the child’s feelings of disappointment should be validated (teaching the name of the negative emotion), but then they should be shown how an alternative, such as music, a favorite book or taking a bath, can assuage their disappointment and help them move past it. While these steps are time-consuming and require deliberate effort, a child that has many such experiences learns that reaching a state of calm is not dependent on getting his way.

This approach works equally well when applied to school-age children. When a child demands to have her class or teacher changed due to an unpleasant interaction, or demands the replacement of a broken toy, or pleads for a parental note excusing him from a difficult exam, the child would benefit greatly from being taught how to work through these strong feelings and confront unpleasant challenges. They must learn that strong emotions are a part of life, and that there is a safe process for addressing them without acting out. As children grow up and enter adulthood, they should know that managing emotional challenges intelligently and effectively can be deeply gratifying.

As a child matures, the skills and tools for emotional self-regulation can be expanded to include engaging in tefila, chesed, exercise, or other effective means of soothing himself, such as repeating a possuk or a mantra or imagining a peaceful nature scene. Some adults have told me that psukim like b’rogez rachem tizkor (remember compassion at times of anger – Chavakuk 3:2) or, when feeling anxiety, im lo shivisi vdomamti nafshi k’gmul aley emo (I was calmed like a nursing baby being held by his mother – Tehillim 131), have become self-regulating mantras that have done wonders for them.

Resilience and Emotional Giving

Resilience and emotional giving are also marriage skills that should be developed from a young age. For example, thinking of the needs of others can be introduced through after-school and vacation-time volunteer work. Children grow through exposure to less fortunate people, who live their difficult lives with bravery. In addition, by undertaking physically and emotionally demanding activities, children learn to extend themselves beyond their comfort zone. Though initially difficult, over time, children associate this “stretching of self” with true happiness. Selflessness leads to a sense of satisfaction, in knowing that they have become better people in the process. Providing our children with chessed opportunities is a powerful antidote to society’s ever-present narcissistic mantras “you deserve the best,” and “it’s all about you” that accompany our young couples into marriage. Moreover, when such a person confronts the inevitable bumps in the road, they will not be inclined to overreact, because they will know that discomfort and a need for hard work is not a sign that something is inherently wrong.

Modeling Marriage

The best lessons are those learned by example. Children who observe their parents functioning as a unit are more likely to appreciate the model that is expected of them as a spouse. For many children, even those whose parents enjoy true shalom bayis, there is little opportunity to observe healthy marriage dynamics on a regular basis. During the week, parents are often consumed with working, learning, attending simchas and home responsibilities. On Shabbos, when much of these distractions are reduced, guests often capture much of the attention. As a result, children rarely observe their parents sharing with each other details about their day, laughing together or simply bringing each other a drink. Parents may want to consider tailoring their schedule, if possible, to enable them both to be at the dinner table for at least a few nights a week [2].

It is a tremendous source of comfort and security for a child to know that his or her parents deeply care for one another. Parents should not shy away from displaying affection for each other in front of their children. A special smile, a gesture of consideration, a compliment and a kind word all serve to prepare children to have a healthy attitude toward marriage. Though some people may naturally feel uncomfortable showing emotional closeness in front of children, this discomfort should be weighed against the realization that a child entering marriage will be more comfortable being emotionally expressive to his spouse if he has observed such behavior in a healthy, natural way at home.

PART TWO: MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

Much of this discussion assumes that both spouses enter the marriage without any conditions that affect their mental health. Unfortunately, our community is not spared the mental health pathologies that afflict members of every segment of society. In preparing children for marriage, the community must learn to address these realities.

First, distinctions must be noted among three types of situations. There are those who enter marriage with mental health issues that have been diagnosed, addressed professionally, and have been adequately disclosed to the prospective spouse at the right time. Among those who have conditions that are not disclosed, however, are two types: some understand the conditions and are treating them but simply keep this important information concealed prior to marriage (and sometimes even through the wedding), while others suffer from conditions that have simply never even been diagnosed.

Those who have both adequately treated and disclosed their challenges actually enjoy a wonderful opportunity for a successful marriage.  By contrast, those whose conditions are secretively hidden as a source of shame, and certainly those who have conditions that have not even been acknowledged and diagnosed, are likely candidates for a severely challenging marriage [3].

Parents who take responsibility for their children’s mental health, commencing treatment or medication despite fears of stigmatization, are taking vital steps toward a happy marriage for their children. Aside from providing a stable foundation for their future, taking “ownership” of the situation – while following rabbinical guidance about when and how to share information with shadchanim and prospective spouses – is an important expression of both integrity and emotional health [4]. Addressing the issue with honesty also reflects on the solid hashkafa of the family. By contrast, hiding a relevant condition leads to an array of problems, including an added level of pathology that results from the hiding of the issue, itself. A veteran therapist once commented that “people are as sick as their secrets.”

Certain problems, tragically, may remain undiagnosed unintentionally.  Occasionally, parents may simply lack the psychological sophistication to recognize a child’s issue and know how it should be properly addressed. Unfortunately, some parents may be reluctant to seek therapy for their child for fear that family members, or even the therapist, will blame them for the child’s problem.

In light of these concerns, it is imperative that teachers, rabbeim and menahalim play a role in observing the psychological health of their students. Educators must become familiar with the array of emotional health issues from which children may suffer, and must be mindful to spot these tendencies and assist parents in seeking the requisite assistance. Occasionally, educators may even find themselves to be the sole source of aid to children whose parents cannot, or will not, help them.

Ideally, educators should seek to develop a trusting relationship with the parents in a gentle attempt to get them “on board,” perhaps emphasizing the importance of addressing these issues before the child reaches the age of dating. For example, it is not unheard of for a seminary teacher to be approached by a student seeking guidance and help regarding such a challenge. I know of students who had their own fears of carrying an issue into marriage but had never been in therapy because their parents would not allow it.

In conclusion, parents play a vital role in preparing their children for marriage, even from early childhood. Ideally, parents should focus their child-rearing efforts on enabling their children to develop the midos, skills and perspectives they will need to build their own homes. This includes encouraging independence, teaching problem-solving skills and emotional self-regulation and resilience and modeling a successful marriage. In time, such efforts will eventually lead to the ultimate nachas of children’s happy marriages.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlala Jerusalem College for over 20 years and gives vaadim for married woman. She runs an alumni hotline, giving advice regarding dating and marriage and lectures widely on these and other personal development topics.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

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Rabbi Doniel Frank, M.Ed., LMFT

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.  

There are No Shortcuts to the Chupah

Broken engagements and early divorces are the most recent of a list of social challenges facing our community. Less obvious, but also troubling, however, are that many marriages are simply low on vitality, passion, and growth. Stress and pressure are among the factors that prevent families from experiencing close relationships and that can stymie simchas ha’chaim, in general.

As a marriage and family therapist working almost exclusively with singles and couples in the religious community, as well as having been a director of Ohel’s school-based program that serviced more than 25 yeshivas in the New York area, it is my view that the challenges to a healthy and meaningful marriage do not lie in obstacles that can be addressed by simple, short-term solutions. The problems are rather the product of systemic failures in the manner in which much of our youth are being educated and raised. These deficiencies result in deficits in fundamental life skills and attitudes, including those necessary for marriage.

Unfortunately, the prevalent approach in much of today’s childrearing and education results in children being marched to the chupah with inadequately formed identities, the absence of a true self-awareness, weak goals, drives and people skills, and minds often filled with complacency and confusion. Seeking to implement basic, relatively brief pre-marital programs that are intended to address a few skills or attitudes that will ostensibly improve married life is insufficient. The community must consider a far more extensive evaluation of its approach to raising children and implement a comprehensive initiative to properly prepare our youth for marriage and for life.

Developing Life Attitudes and Skill

Reaching the chupah is merely one step in the developmental process of growing up. For a child to fare well, the earlier stages in a child’s life must also be confronted and, with proper training, mastered. These prior stages require the development of self, as well as learning to relate to all that surrounds oneself. This is ultimately achieved by facing, rather than avoiding, the series of challenges that are designed to mold character and refine personality.

As such, the preliminary requirements that parents and educators must follow are:

• Recognize, accept, and work with the uniqueness of each child;
• Acknowledge and address each stage of the child’s development, and
• Offer the child guidance for each stage of his or her development.

Unfortunately, our community has been generally unsuccessful in this regard, often preferring avoidance to responsibility. Many of our children are thus not engaging life’s challenges, and as a result, fail to develop the sense of self, the skills, and the attitudes that such engagement is intended to develop. The prevalence of external influences, such as media and technology, provide a means for children to avoid intimate contact with others and with themselves. Furthermore, we live in an age that is replete with choices and options, offering our youth plenty of ‘outs’ to sidestep challenges that would otherwise force them to confront life and develop strength, resilience, and character along the way. For example, if a teacher, a roommate, or a yeshiva is not a perfect fit, the instinct is to seek an alternative rather than to deal with the accompanying tension.

However, before addressing these significant external challenges, it first behooves the community to address the negative internal influences imposed on our children by the community itself.

Avoidance of the Individual

I have discovered that within our community, one of the risk factors for a successful marriage is when a husband or wife is lacking in basic self-awareness and a sense of who they are as individuals. Counseling these people typically reveals that they are suffering from the expectations and rigid, one-size-fits-all upbringing that is all-too-common in our communities. This simply disregards the nuanced – and sometimes not-so-nuanced – differences among children.

Maintaining a fixed image of how children should be risks stifling their personality, creativity, and, in turn, their happiness. Often, the more accommodating of our youth will adapt by developing a false persona, in an attempt to please their families and schools and, eventually, shadchanim and even future spouses. While some will act as they really are with their most intimate friends, others will retain their imposed veneer even to themselves. This duplicity often surfaces for the first time in the context of counseling, by which time it has already caused much hurt and disappointment.

As hurtful as it is, this duplicitous behavior is usually not deliberate. Many are not even aware of the extent to which they are strangers to themselves and their needs. Because they have not consolidated a healthy self-image, they avoid dealing with it. Unsuspectingly, yet cavalierly, they head towards dating, with human shopping lists in hand, feeling much more comfortable describing what they “want” than who they “are.”

Avoidance of Stages

Another manifestation of our communal avoidance is the manner by which our community chooses to address the life stage of adolescence. Adolescence is a pivotal life stage during which children are supposed to evolve into young adults. For a child, this stage is fraught with confusing social dynamics, physical changes, and emotional evolution. Rather than engaging our children in confronting these enormous challenges, our approach tends to minimize these challenges and focus mainly on our children’s academic and religious experiences. We typically leave adolescents to navigate these turbulent times without adequate and proactive parental or chinuch guidance.

A primary example is the communal approach in guiding teenagers as they confront their newly-developing physical urges. The combination of raging hormones, peer pressure, and unprecedented exposure to media and the Internet imposes an almost impossible battle to remain disciplined, pure, and focused on Torah values.

The Rambam (Isurai Bi’ah, 22:18) describes the temptation toward illicit behavior as the Jewish people’s most difficult challenge – and that was before the Internet. Yet too often, family and school offer little more than prohibitions, punishments, and shaming. A cat-and-mouse game thus tends to play out throughout these critical years, leaving youth to falter and struggle alone. Opportunities to provide meaningful and relevant hadracha are typically forfeited, often sending the message that neither the Torah nor the community has any constructive guidance regarding the issues of life most immediately relevant to them.

Avoidance of Responsibility

Another critical prerequisite to a successful marriage is a mutual sense of responsibility. However, with no assurance that they have developed this level of maturity, many young men and women begin dating simply because they have reached a certain age or stage. Whether they are developmentally ready to choose the correct spouse and to assume the responsibilities of marriage is not considered.

In assessing whether a child has sufficient maturity to seek a spouse, a key indicator is whether they have made the transition from the “teenager attitude” to an “adult attitude.”

“Treat me like an adult… but don’t hold me accountable for my behavior.” A typical teenager will borrow the car, but simply hand the keys back to his parents and walk away despite returning the car with bumps and bruises. When held accountable, however, the teenager will suddenly replace the demands to be treated like an adult with a cowering retreat to childhood.

Developed young adults, by contrast, think differently. They understand that their lives are their own, and that they are at the frontline of responsibility for their decisions – whether regarding choice of lifestyle, career, or spouse. They do not make proposals without also considering their implications. They anticipate possible obstacles and consider contingency plans. They appreciate that relationships inevitably present challenges, and they roll up their sleeves and exert effort to engage the challenges, rather than simply “blame and complain.”

The key hurdle to a successful marriage is thus assuring that the couple getting married has actually advanced psychologically from the stage of adolescence to young adulthood.

Avoidance of Planning

Often, there is a lot of talk during dating about planning and parnassa. For many, however, even addressing such future plans is viewed as a distraction from a focus on Torah study and reflects a lack of idealism and bitachon. While idealism and bitachon are certainly appropriate, young people often take these values far beyond where they are meant to apply. In particular, marriage is dependent on spouses taking responsibility for  one another, and maturity is contingent upon deliberate and thoughtful growth. Planning is an exercise that must permeate all aspects of life, and does not extend just to parnassa.

Rabbi Moshe Possick of Torah Umesorah shared with me a conversation he once had with the Philadelphia Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Elya Svei, zt”l. Rabbi Possick had expressed frustration regarding several young, yeshiva men whom he had interviewed for jobs, who had no short or long-term career goals. Rav Svei responded: “You are asking the wrong question. Instead, ask them what their goals are for this year in their learning and in their yiras Hashem. They won’t know that either. Your concern isn’t limited to professional goals, but applies to their entire approach to life.”

Premarital Classes

Communal discourse on dating and marriage understandably focuses on premarital classes. Compelling arguments in their favor are supported by the findings of clinical studies and professional experience.  Such classes tend to be particularly helpful for those who attend voluntarily. For the many couples who have not navigated the developmental stages leading to young adulthood, however, pre-marital classes tend to be neither welcome, nor engaging. For most couples getting married, the expectation that pre-marital classes will significantly enhance their marriage is overly optimistic.

For the most part, premarital sessions should be reinforcing and applying familiar concepts, rather than introducing new ones. For the inadequately prepared chosson or kallah, the paradigm for marital preparedness is so radically different, and the skillset advocated in the sessions so much more demanding than anticipated, that the premarital class is more than likely to be disregarded. As any therapist (or mashgiach) can attest, attitudes and relationship skills require time to master. Young and immature  individuals cannot be converted magically into a responsible couple. Nor can last-minute marriage training imbue empathy, flexibility, and resilience. And these are not the types of skills one can assume will develop over time.

Finally, premarital sessions suffer for being presented at wholly the wrong time. During the short period between engagement and marriage, a young couple is often incapable of imagining that mundane challenges could ever threaten their “invincible” bond. They neither focus adequately on the messages, nor appreciate their significance or implications.

A Comprehensive Solution

If marriages are to improve, preparation for marriage must begin in childhood – not during the period immediately prior to marriage. A comprehensive plan must be introduced to train our children to engage each stage of their development, become self-aware, and assume a sense of personal responsibility. And the sense of responsibility must be extended to all aspects of life – not merely marriage. The effort to inculcate these cultural and attitudinal dimensions must permeate the educational and social system of the community, likely beginning no later than their middle school years.

For starters, as our children journey through the various stages of development, they need permission to be themselves. They need to be parented and educated based on who they are, and not on how others would prefer them to be. Beyond that, they need to learn why and how to develop vision and goals, whether for their studies, interests or chores. And, they need to be allowed to find positive expressions for their natural passions and interests. Beyond that, children need to be compelled to take responsibility for setbacks, build meaningful relationships with their family and peers, and make good decisions during their adolescent years.

Simultaneously, parents and educators must be trained to facilitate these skills in children, and to include these skill-training techniques as an intrinsic part of educational and family systems. Parents and educators also must be taught to identify deficiencies in children that may be pathological and require professional help.

In addition, adults – both parents and educators – need to be taught how to serve as wise, open, and empathic guides for their pre-teens and teens, before and during their journey through adolescence. They need to learn what to say and how to say it, how to broach particular topics and how to deal with guilt and rebound from failure. In some cases, the adults need to confront their own challenges in these areas before being a guide for others.

For example, sexuality is an uncomfortable topic to address with youngsters, but discomfort cannot justify its avoidance. Though halacha limits public discourse in this area, neither halacha nor standards of tznius dictate that the issue be ignored and avoided; rather, they impose a greater duty since it is a topic that must addressed privately and with personalized guidance.

And finally, parents of children who are set to date must use whatever parental privileges they have to help them assess their children’s dating readiness, and to ensure their children are able to express coherently who they are, and what their plans are.

The wide scope of needs may seem like an overwhelming task. It is. And as a parent and educator who has taught in a classroom for over ten years, I fully appreciate the variables that make this proposal truly challenging. But organizations and private practitioners have already started working on it. As one example, for close to ten years, our school-based service program has offered skills-training seminars to thousands of students, staff, and parents in Rockland County and Northern New Jersey.

Recently, we have incorporated these programs in an independent, international entity called M.A.P. (Motivation and Performance) Seminars, Inc., which will bring these training opportunities beyond the New York tri-state area as well. We have added an original curriculum to train parents how to guide their children through adolescence, and are currently working on a system by which to assess dating readiness. The latter is a work-in-progress, and we welcome the participation and input of others.

These comprehensive and developmental training opportunities offered by M.A.P. Seminars, Inc.* are available as school- and community-based seminars, as well as on our webinar platform. They include:

• Parent and Staff Adolescent Readiness Training (“Rapid Alert”).Preparing adults to be effective guides for children entering adolescence.
• School-Based Seminars.Prepares junior high and high school students in the following skills:
  • Interpersonal Skills (e.g. communication, accommodation, empathy)
  • Goal Setting
  • Decision Making
  • Self-Management
  • Self-Knowledge

In addition, there are seminars that train parents and school staff to  reinforce these skills in the home and in the classroom.

• Dating Readiness. Trains post-high school students in dating skills. It applies the skills taught in the school-based seminars to dating readiness, helping singles evaluate themselves and any prospective shidduch based on the criteria described in this article.
• Parent Privileges. Assists parents to facilitate their children’s dating readiness, as well as how to ask the right questions to determine the appropriate readiness of a suggested shidduch.
• Pre-Marital Seminar. This training applies the skills taught in the school-based seminars to marriage and family life. This effort works best when it follows a series of learning experiences that the student has already enjoyed. Participants are, therefore, already aware of the applicable skills and concepts, and their significance.
• Post-Marital Coaching. Helps young couples navigate the many challenges involved in the first year of marriage.

Deficient efforts in preparing for marriage can have devastating consequences, often with little chance for remedies. In some cases, slow starts in marriage can rapidly become fast finishes. Alas, there are no shortcuts to building healthy, long-term relationships.

No one can be expected to be fully prepared for marriage without having experienced it. But one who shows proficiency in the basic skills we have discussed is well positioned to develop a healthy self-concept, relate effectively with people, achieve clarity of purpose, and confidently assert their readiness for dating, marriage, careers and life.

*More information can be found at www.mapseminars.com.

Rabbi Doniel Frank, M.Ed., LMFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist and is the Director of M.A.P. (Motivation and Performance) Seminars, Inc.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Lisa Twerski, LCSW

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE. 

The Right Match? Filling the Gaps in the Shidduch Process

Although marital discord can be attributed to lack of preparation, insufficient effort, or inappropriate expectations, marriages often fail because the couple is simply not a match. While the dating approach in most segments of the frum community is intended to ensure a thorough assessment of suitability between two people, there are important areas of compatibility which tend to be overlooked.

On its face, the shidduch system appears to be very efficient and effective. Multiple levels of checking are completed before the couple even meets. The couple then spends time together, exploring whether they enjoy each other’s company, determining whether their hashkafos match and whether they share common life and family goals, and finally “talking tachlis” (making plans). Often, however, there are significant flaws in how the dating process is handled, and frequently-critical considerations get simply left out of the equation.

Emotional Compatibility

Although the shidduch system presumes a fair degree of research and consideration before a couple decides to date, the range of issues studied often neglects to focus on the most central dimensions of selecting a spouse.  Couples and their families frequently fail to explore both the emotional compatibility of the couple, as well as whether each of them has developed the qualities necessary to create and maintain a healthy marriage.

That is not to suggest that other areas of focus are not also important. For example, there is typically much exploration around spiritual compatibility. This can include each person’s values and hashkafos, the kind of community they want to join, the nature of the home they want to have, the career types that might be acceptable for husband or wife, and what kinds of schools they would choose for their children.

There is also a lot of discussion of familial compatibility, which typically includes religious styles, culture, parental roles and relations with siblings and extended family. Intellectual compatibility is another area that is often discussed. This may include intelligence, but should also address general interests, the type of things they each enjoy doing or feel is important to do, use of free time, and what each finds interesting, amusing, important, boring or a waste of time.

While all of these areas of compatibility – both the broader and more specific dimensions – are important in determining suitability, they are not enough. Perhaps because it is harder to quantify, emotional compatibility frequently is not even on the radar screen of either the couple or their families. Every person has his or her emotional orientation, defined as the way one reacts to the world and life issues inevitably confronted. For example, some people are high strung, nervous, and excitable. Others are more laid back, or even-keeled. Some are happy-go-lucky, and likely to take things in stride, while others are more thoughtful and introspective, deeply affected by events. Some people are expressive, wearing their emotions on their sleeves, while others are more reserved. And, of course, each person’s emotional make-up is a nuanced combination of all these and other tendencies.

Emotional compatibility exists when two people’s emotional styles blend and fit in such a way that makes them feel comfortable in their relationship. When this emotional ‘fit’ is present, negotiating life’s inevitable bumps and challenges goes more smoothly, and each finds a sense of fulfillment sharing their lives with the other.

The challenge, of course, is in determining the type of person with whom one is likely to be compatible. For those in a community in which non-marriage relationships with the opposite gender are not common, this might seem particularly challenging. However, emotional compatibility is not limited to the marriage relationship; it is encountered through the many relationships one has as a child, teenager and young adult. The first step in considering with whom one is emotionally compatibility is, therefore, reviewing the kinds of people with whom one has tended to form close friendships. Are there patterns in the type of buddies one chooses in school, yeshiva, camp, summer jobs, or the neighborhood? While people often have a wide circle of friends, there are always those closest few, with whom one shares the most. For most people, a pattern can be identified, which is indicative of a person’s tendencies and needs.

It is important to stress, however, that not all patterns of friendships in someone’s life should be replicated in a marriage. In fact, there are many who struggle mightily in their adolescent and post-adolescent friendships. The following questions might be helpful when using a pattern of friendships to determine with whom one might be compatible:

• Can you think of friendships in your life that have been satisfying, enjoyable and positive experiences?
• Did these friendships make you happy?
• Did they feel equitable, in that you felt you gave and received in more or less equal measures?

Helping someone review the relationships in their life that met – or definitely did not meet – the above criteria can provide guidance as to the type of person with whom they are likely to be emotionally compatible. Even those whose relationships have tended to be problematic can benefit from this exercise.

In some situations, helping someone determine with whom they are most likely to be emotionally compatible can be a relatively straightforward task. However, this kind of assessment will be extremely difficult when the other person has pre-existing psychological issues, and/or when there is a lack of psychological insight on the part of the mentor. Although successfully mentoring someone in this area takes a degree of psychological sophistication, ignoring the need for emotional compatibility is not an option. We must strive to better educate those who are mentoring to this basic need, and to guide them as to how they can be helpful.  Those who are dating should be encouraged to seek out a mentor who understands these dynamics.

Character

Another extremely important area of exploration that is often insufficiently addressed is character. Qualities like respectfulness, honesty, trustworthiness, sensitivity, supportiveness, and generosity are often presumed to exist in one who is otherwise found to be compatible. Most people appreciate that these qualities are the central basis of a healthy marriage, and sometimes assume that others wanting to get married will have these qualities.

Unfortunately, some people think about marriage in terms of what they are going to get, and not in terms of what they are supposed to give. In reality, a person’s background and schooling, and even their degree of religious observance, often belie their true character; thus presumptions about character are never advisable. A much greater emphasis on the exploration of character needs to be introduced into the dating system.

Even when looking for signs of good character, young people often misinterpret behavior, or extrapolate inaccurately. They might think, “Someone who is attentive won’t be stingy,” or “Someone who is fun to be with certainly wouldn’t speak harshly,” or “Someone who is frum would not be disrespectful or untrustworthy,” or “Someone who is outgoing, or popular, probably isn’t dishonest, or unkind.” The unfortunate reality is that projecting one character trait from another is a flawed and dangerous approach.

Even nuanced observations of behavior must serve as a basis for further investigation, rather than as a basis for a life-long decision. Attention must be paid on dates to hints of unpleasantness, disrespect, untrustworthiness, dishonesty or a lack of generosity. Often, the eagerness to find a spouse induces people to ignore these hints, but those dating must be fortified by their parents and mentors to resist their inclination to overlook them. One should not fall into the trap of concluding that bad behavior is not the ‘real’ him or her, or that it will change after marriage. Children should not tell themselves that they must have misunderstood what they saw or heard, and that there must be a ‘good explanation.’ This is not meant to encourage the kind of hyper-analysis of dates that sometimes takes place, but to address those most likely to explain away such issues or concerns without so much as a second thought.

Effective Techniques

In much of our community, the dating process is rather rushed and pressured. Having too many dates is frowned upon, and too often, decisions tend to be based upon insufficiently-examined impressions and third-party reports. Is there anything parents, teachers, or mentors can do to help those dating do a better job in determining whether their date has the appropriate character and whether they are emotionally compatible? One thing that can be done is simply to stop answering their questions about the relationship.

In our community, if someone has questions or concerns about their date, they will typically bring them up with a parent or mentor, rather than with the person they are dating.

She has all the qualities that I know I’m looking for, and I do have a good time, but I find that I do most of the talking. I don’t know if she’ll warm up, or if that’s just her. Everyone raves about her and she has a chevra of friends, so maybe she does have more personality than I’m seeing. What do you think?

We’ve gone out twice and at the end of each date he’s said he had a really good time, but then the shadchan says he needs time to think. My mother thinks this is inconsiderate. What do you think?

I was sharing something about my life that was very heavy. All of a sudden, he abruptly stood up and said that he really had to go and was going to get the car. Then he started walking out of the lobby. What do you think was going on? Does this just mean he’s plain rude and I should dump him, or do you think there’s a reasonable explanation?

We’ve gone out three times and there’s a lot there, but she never asks me anything about myself. I don’t know if she’s too shy, or there’s a lack of emotional depth there. What do you think?

Much to the detriment of all involved, parents, mentors and rabbeim typically provide answers to these questions, or offer ‘insights’ into these issues, that are detached from the actual situation. This robs the individual of the opportunity to see what it feels like to be in a relationship with this person, and to learn about their emotional compatibility and their date’s character on a much deeper level.  It would be far more productive if the response to these types of inquiries would be to provide guidance on how to investigate these questions. This approach is particularly attractive if tools are offered that are likely to elicit actual and reliable information. For example, it might be suggested that they raise a concern directly, as follows:

You know, I seem to be doing most of the talking. I hope, I’m not overdoing it, or are you usually more of a quiet person?

At the end of the next date, if he says he has had a nice time, say:

I’m a little confused. You’ve said that in the past but then the shadchan calls and says you need time to think. Can you tell me more about how you really feel?”

Although it’s always better to bring things up in the moment, in the case of the boy who got up abruptly when they were discussing something personal it would have to be done after the fact:

I was wondering what happened last time. Was there something wrong that led you to leave so abruptly?

I feel like I’ve gotten to know you pretty well, but you seem to be hesitating to ask me anything about myself. Is there anything you want to ask? Is there a reason you haven’t been asking me anything personal?

When two people have the opportunity to deal with an issue directly, it provides two additional layers of information that can help them make one of the most important decisions of their lives, especially given the relatively brief dating period. In addition to providing a better answer to the actual question or concern that they have, the discussion reveals an additional layer of information about their emotional compatibility: how did the discussion go? Was it confrontational or was the question or concern well-received? Was the conversation positive? Did each of you appreciate the other’s feelings and point of view? What was the other person’s demeanor? Thinking back to the issue of emotional orientation, was this the type of person you had thought was for you? Did opening up to each other make you feel closer to one another – which most likely indicates a good emotional ‘fit’ – or did the interaction leave you feeling more distant?

The third layer that is revealed during such a conversation is that of character. Did the question elicit resentment, impatience or anger or was he respectful, caring and generous in addressing the issue? Was she interested in your happiness and concerned for your satisfaction in the relationship or was there a lack sensitivity to your needs? Selfishness or one-sidedness in discussions such as these are definite causes for concern.

The dating process is often fast paced, and lifelong decisions need to be made quite quickly. The depth that is necessary to make this kind of lifelong decision can only be attained when the people involved have the opportunity to relate to each other with a measure of depth. Whether large or small, any questions, concerns or differences need to be explored, dealt with, and examined in depth.

If mentors would be better educated in how to guide those who are dating to utilize the questions or concerns that come up as opportunities to explore their budding relationships, they would help them arrive at a far better position from which to make informed and confident decisions. They will learn more about their emotional compatibility, the character of their date and how they might interact as a husband and wife, sharing their lives together until 120 years.

Lisa Twerski, LCSW, maintains a private practice in Brooklyn and lectures locally and nationally on many subjects including domestic abuse, marriage, and dating. She also serves on the Board of Directors of Nefesh International and has recently published a book on domestic abuse entitled, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? Guidance for the Orthodox Jewish Spouse and Those Who Want to Help, Israel Bookshop Publications.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Shmuli Margulies

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Preparing Our Children to Roll with the Punches – Financial and Otherwise

Financial tension is a leading cause – perhaps the leading cause – of marital discord, as reflected by the Gemara’s statement (Temurah16a) that when there is no food in the house, the woman immediately starts to scream. While few young couples divorce over money, per se, financial tension has the potential to create or magnify many other problems, and these tensions only intensify as families grow and financial burdens mount. Consequently, couples who fail to develop sound financial habits – such as tracking expenses, sticking to a budget, saving, etc. – early on in marriage are exposing themselves to potential disaster. The upshot is that by equipping our children to live financially stable lives, we can also prepare them for success in their marriages.

Before our children marry, we try very hard to shield them from financial pressures and other harsh realities of life. This approach has merit, for it gives our children the opportunity to grow and learn without being weighed down by adult burdens. But there has to be a point when we introduce our teenage and adult children to the financial realities they will inevitably have to face. Unfortunately, few of our kids are being introduced to these realities ahead of time, and they often remain blissfully ignorant of how to manage their finances until the bills start smacking them in the face.

The Value of Struggle

Klal Yisrael is enjoying a period of abundance and tranquility unprecedented in this galus. Yet we are still in galus, and so our struggles – spiritual and material, collective and individual – persist, albeit on different battlefields than before. At the same time, however, the relatively favorable conditions in which we find ourselves lull us into thinking that we are not supposed to be struggling, and that ease and comfort are realistic expectations. People who enter marriage with that perception are positioned for grave disappointment.

Life is all about struggles, as the Mesilas Yesharim teaches, (ch. 1), “All matters of this world, whether good or bad, are nisyonos (challenges) for a person.” Almost inevitably, one area of such struggle is the gap between a person’s lifestyle expectations and the ultimate realities. Chazal famously teach that no person leaves this world having acquired even half of what he desired (Koheles Rabbah 3:13).

A person who is averse to struggle – who expects everything to go exactly his way and who can’t cope when life throws him a curveball – is a person doomed to misery. Life isn’t supposed to confer on us a prescribed set of optimum conditions – rather, our job is to make the best of the circumstances we are given.

The Mesila organization was founded upon the credo that people can manage financially, if they correctly utilize their God-given assortments of gifts: talents, money, connections, ambitions, etc. This concept, reiterated three times a day in Ashrei (“Poseiach es yadecha…”), is the basis of all of Mesila’s activities, which include counseling programs for families and businesses as well as a variety of educational programs for adults and students.

In Mesila’s Seminary Program, which is now being taught to young women in Israel, the United States, Canada, and England, we attempt to convey this credo by means of a game called Paper Bag Dramatics. Participants in this simple game are grouped together, and each group receives a bag containing a random assortment of items. One group’s bag might contain a ball, a jacket, a newspaper, a shovel, and an apple, while another group’s bag might contain a pillow, a fork, a tile, a telephone, and a pot lid. Each group then has to put on a skit using the items they are given.

Students learn that each person is handed a “paper bag” of tools and circumstances when he enters this world, whose contents are adjusted every Rosh Hashanah. We don’t choose the items we receive, but we can choose whether to wring our hands in despair when we discover what’s in our bag, or to accept the challenge of succeeding with what we have.

This attitude of accepting and working with what is, rather than mourning what isn’t, is absolutely crucial for building a happy marriage. Every couple enters marriage with their own preconceived notions, fantasies and expectations. The couples who thrive through shanah rishonah (their first year) and beyond are typically those who learn to shelve their preconceived expectations and to adjust to the unique “paper bag” that is their marriage – their spouse, their in-laws, their finances.

The inability to adjust to the gap between fantasy and reality is a recipe for unhappiness in marriage, and may be responsible for many an early divorce. Later down the line, when a couple’s expenses and financial pressures mount, the same inability to adjust to financial realities can cause serious marital discord or even divorce, r”l. Those who can roll with the punches, who understand that olam hazeh (this world) is essentially a series of nisyonos, and who can recognize the growth opportunities inherent in any struggle, are the ones who are equipped to successfully navigate their challenges – marital, financial, or otherwise.

If the ability to cope with adversity rather than wallow in it is crucial for success in marriage and in life, what can we do to prepare our young people for the challenges they will inevitably face? I believe that the responsibility for this preparation must be shared by the home and the school.

The Parents’ Role: The Gift of “No,” The Art of “Yes”

Preparation for marriage cannot begin the day a young man or woman gets engaged – it has to begin during early childhood. Parents should strive to ensure that their children are not soft, and do not fall apart in the face of disappointment, stress, or adversity. In order to do this, we have to familiarize our children with the concept of struggle, rather than shield them from all pain and disappointment. As hard as we may try to shield our children from disappointment, life has a way of strewing their paths with obstacles, and sometimes even heartbreak. In fact, the harder we try to shield our kids from disappointment, the less opportunity they have to develop coping mechanisms, which leaves them even more vulnerable to the hard knocks of life.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Greenwald is a renowned psychologist who conducted an extensive correspondence with the Steipler Gaon, zt”l. In a conversation I once had with Dr. Greenwald, he repeated a question he had posed to the Steipler: Why are so many people suffering from depression nowadays, considering how much better their lives are than they used to be? (And this was several decades ago!)

The Steipler responded that in earlier times, people lived with much less, and were accustomed to suffering. They didn’t expect to have everything they wanted, so they were content with whatever they had. Nowadays, when people have more, and expect to have more, they become depressed when things don’t go their way.

“If so,” Dr. Greenwald asked the Steipler, “how should we raise happy children? Should we deprive them in order not to accustom them to getting whatever they want?”

“No,” replied the Steipler, “one shouldn’t deprive one’s children. But people should teach their children the middah of histapkus (contentment) by not giving them everything they want.”

In keeping with this line of thinking, Mesila has promoted the following budgeting maxim: “Everything you need, and some of what you want.” In other words, parents should ensure that they and their children have all their basic needs met and that they have some extras as well, so that they don’t feel suffocated. But children should not have everything they want, even if their parents can afford it.

Each person must assess his own family’s needs and wants, since these are highly individual and subject to one’s society – a luxury for one person might be a necessity for someone else. But it’s crucial to draw the line somewhere. Whether a parent is a pauper or a Rockefeller, he has to be able to say no – both to himself and to his children. The ability to prioritize needs and wants, and create a budget that reflects those priorities, is one that can be taught to children from a very young age – if the parents themselves have their priorities clear.

On occasion, it’s fine to give children something “just because” – but not all the time. By not satisfying a child’s every whim, by giving him the gift of a well-placed “no,” parents inoculate the child against the bigger disappointments of life. A child who does not learn that he cannot expect everything to go his way will have to learn the lesson far more painfully when he doesn’t get into the yeshiva he wants or he is turned down by the girl he wants to marry.

Parents, of course, should not deliberately make life difficult for their children. Parents naturally want to give their kids the best of everything, and by giving to our kids unconditionally we cultivate trust, security, and love. Part of giving our kids the best of everything, however, is giving them the gift of “no,” and teaching them how to cope when things don’t go their way.

Equally important is learning the art of how to say “yes.” A leading chinuch expert in Eretz Yisrael relates that when his children would ask him for something, he would pause and think for a moment before answering. Even if he had every intention of acceding to the child’s request, that brief pause conveyed to the child that the yes was neither automatic nor an entitlement.

No matter how small a child’s request, it doesn’t hurt to pause before saying yes. If a child makes a major request, parents would do well to think about it for a day or two before coming back to the child with their response. The lapse between the request and the yes makes the child realize that the possibility of “no” is real. And when a yes is forthcoming, the child will be all the more grateful.

Entitlement and gratitude are inversely proportional – the more a person feels he deserves, the less thankful he will be when he gets it. And the less entitled your child feels, the better a marriage partner he or she will make.

It comes as a big shocker to many young couples that they have to curtail their standard of living significantly after moving out of their parents’ homes – whether they are in kollel, in college, or working. The girl who used to send all her clothing to the dry cleaner and the boy who bought takeout food every night might suddenly discover that the cost of rent and electric bills preclude those and many other indulgences. If, however, they have learned to adjust to less-than-ideal circumstances, they will be well prepared for the lifestyle changes that invariably set in soon after sheva berachos.

On the subject of entitlement, I should add that parents who are supporting their married children should do so with no strings attached, and without intending to buy a stake in their children’s decisions. The more independent a married couple can be, the sooner they will learn to make mature, responsible decisions, and the fewer obstacles they will have in their quest for shalom bayis.

The School’s Role: Finances as a Microcosm

The school’s role in preparing our children for life’s challenges is primarily technical – namely, to impart the basic skills, habits, and hashkafos required to successfully navigate life’s ups and downs. In the financial realm in particular, being prepared and armed with an arsenal of tools can make the difference between a life of financial stability and a life of financial mayhem and dependency.

The financial skills and habits that schools should teach include – but are not limited to – prioritizing, defining one’s unique needs and wants, building a budget, sticking to a budget, saving, cash flow planning, avoiding debt, using credit cards judiciously, becoming a wise consumer, and taking a proactive stance toward earning income, as well as toward all other aspects of financial management.

The necessary hashkafos include finding the balance between bitachon and hishtadlus, internalizing the value of financial independence (לא לידי מתנת בשר ודם ולא לידי הלואתם); understanding what true happiness is, maintaining integrity in all situations, keeping one’s lifestyle in line with one’s spiritual aspirations, and staying financially and spiritually afloat in a sea of consumerism.

These skills, habits, and hashkafos form the basis of Mesila’s high school and seminary curriculum materials, which are designed for inclusion in economics, life skills, and/or Bayis HaYehudi courses. The concepts are simple, but are literally life-changing – and even lifesaving – for those who learn them in time. It is far more difficult to teach these concepts to people who come to Mesila for help later, when they are already mired in debt or drowning in expenses. Sadly, by that time, their marriage is often on the rocks – or worse.

Many will argue that our Zeides and Bubbes managed just fine without any financial preparation. And they are undoubtedly correct. But our Zeides and Bubbes did not have access to credit cards, internet shopping, or the bewildering array of offerings that exist in our global marketplace. Today’s battles have to be fought with an up-to-date arsenal of weapons, and – in order to combat the scourge of divorce – financial education must occupy a prominent place in that arsenal. This is especially true in light of the alarming trends of young people amassing debt even before they get married and young couples falling into credit card debt shortly after their wedding.

The fundamental tenet of financial education is that a person’s spending limit is determined by his or her income. Simple as this principle seems, young people today are shockingly oblivious to it; their spending decisions are based more on what their friends and neighbors have than on what they can actually afford.

The beauty of financial education is that the same principles that help young people achieve financial stability can also help them succeed in other areas of life. When we teach kids how to budget, for instance, we give them decision-making skills that can be applied to all areas of their lives, from shidduchim to menu planning. Taught in a financial context, these skills are real rather than abstract, yet they are impersonal enough to be safe, non-threatening, and suitable for all audiences.

Mesila was initially concerned that students might find financial education dry and boring but, to their surprise, high school and seminary girls lapped up the material. The girls’ enthusiasm about the lessons evidenced secret concerns about their ability to cope with life, both financially and emotionally. Mesilah is in the process of launching a similar program for yeshiva students, but this is proving to be a far more complex endeavor.

In view of the considerable spiritual and financial struggles of our generation, building a happy, Torah-true home nowadays is a monumental undertaking. Can we afford not to give our children the tools to succeed?

Shmuli Margulies is the chairman and co-founder of Mesila, an international organization that empowers people to seek, achieve and maintain financial stability. Inquiries into Mesila’s programs can be addressed to info@mesila.org.

To view the other responses in this issue, CLICK HERE.

Rabbi Moshe Hauer

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE. 

Six Conversations About Marriage: A Guide

Introduction: Thinking About Marriage

Each of the topics that have been discussed in the various issues of Klal Perspectives present as variations on a single theme: Our community too often focuses on form over substance, leading to simplistic and externally-driven decision making, and often failing to prepare individuals sufficiently for meeting life’s challenges.  This theme creates the perfect storm of vulnerability when it comes to marriage, since the critical life decision of whom to marry most certainly requires clear and substantive consideration, and the challenge of maintaining a healthy and strong marriage requires genuine maturity and character.

Rather than propose dramatic innovations to the education or shidduch systems, this article suggests to families a practical approach to marriage preparation for young people on the threshold of marriage.

What follows is a rather straightforward guide to help young people and their parents stop and think before moving to the next step en route to marriage. The process of choosing when, whom and how to marry can easily be hijacked by external and superficial considerations. This is exacerbated by the pressured and celebratory atmosphere that surrounds the whole shidduch-to-wedding process, which is not conducive to contemplative decisions. To buffer these influences, young people should be coached to thoughtfully prepare for each step of the dating and marriage process.

In the Torah’s recounting of the six days of creation, each stage opens with the act of creation. The exception to this rule is the description of the creation of man, where the Torah does not open with the act of creation but rather by introducing the decision (“Let us make man…”) that preceded the act of creation….

It appears that G-d created man in a manner that reflects man’s essence. Man is unique in that his conscious thought is intended to control his behavior and actions…. G-d revealed this uniqueness in describing the two phases of man’s creation; first the decision, followed by action.              

 HaRav Yitzchak Hutner, Pachad Yitzchak, Shavuos 25:9

This guide identifies six stages during the dating and marriage process in which preparation and thought can make a significant difference. Of course, thoughtful consideration should permeate all aspects of life and the points presented here are only several of the many subjects and angles to consider and discuss. Nevertheless, adhering to these minimal steps can effectively introduce more thoughtfulness into this critical decision-making and developmental process.

Although when absolutely necessary, the conversations suggested below can be initiated by mechanchim (educators), rabbonim (rabbis) or other mentors, the most appropriate persons to be leading these discussions are the child’s parents. Children benefit greatly when they are able to discuss these issues directly with their parents.Unfortunately, certain parents are hesitant to have these types of discussions with their children.    To facilitate these conversations for those less comfortable in this role, each step presented below is followed by a summary paragraph that includes talking points to help guide the discussion.

š Conversation I: So you Want to Get Married. What Exactly is Marriage and are you Ready for It?

The first conversation concerns the decision to pursue marriage. Seeking a mate can be a very exciting stage of life,  entered into with the hopes and dreams of what they hope to get out of marriage, but with less thought about what they will need to invest in it. A healthy measure of koved rosh (level-headedness) can be just what the doctor ordered.

Occasionally, young men ask me what they should be thinking about on their wedding day. This is what I suggest to them: When standing beneath the chupah, they should undertake to bear responsibility for their wives in every situation, and to never relieve themselves of this responsibility. As the Midrash (Eicha Rabba 3:24) taught: “’It is good for a man to bear (i.e. assume) responsibility in his younger years’ – this is the responsibility of (caring for) a wife.” In the Holy Language (Hebrew), we refer to someone who is getting married as a “nosei isha” – literally, one who is “carrying” a woman. This is an outstanding expression! For that is exactly what he must do – carry his wife, caring for her for all of the days of his life.          Rav Shlomo Wolbe in Alei Shor Vol. 2, p218

Rav Wolbe presents a simple though fundamental attitude toward marriage, which applies equallyto both  young men and women. It is important that his thought not be presented to young people with a middle-aged krechtz (groan) about the burdens of married life. Properly understood and lived, marriage, like any other sacred burden, is “nosei es nosav” – it uplifts those who carry it. The opportunity to really “be there” for another person is the most powerfully fulfilling dimension of marriage. There is much to look forward to. But the relationship must begin with an appreciation for the responsibilities being assumed.

The assumption of responsibility for another is a fundamental dimension of growing up. Normal development begins with an infant’s inability to see beyond itself and its own needs, before slowly growing and maturing to become increasingly aware of the existence and the needs of others. Marriage, in that sense, is the great leap into adulthood, whereby one commits completely to care for another.

This is what (my father) would always tell me: “This is what man is all about. He was not created for himself, but rather to do for others in any way that he can.”  

Rav Itzele Volozhiner, Introduction to Rav Chaim Volozhiner’s Nefesh HaChaim

Talking Points for Conversation I: “Why do you want to get married? What do you hope to get out of marriage? What do you expect to invest in it? How do you understand the concept of ahava she’eina tluyah b’davar (unconditional love)?” Help the young man or woman move beyond the natural excitement that surrounds entering the dating scene. Shift the focus from the self-centered elements of what may be their first real engagement with the opposite sex, or from the glamorous gifts and trappings of the anticipated dating-to-engagement-to-wedding march, to the excitement that should be at the heart of relationship and marriage: the fulfilling burden of committed caring for another person.

š Conversation II: What are you Looking for? Choosing whom to Date.

Once the young person has made the decision to pursue the commitment of marriage, the next step is to help them use their view of marriage to inform the choice of what to look for in a spouse.

Someone once asked HaRav Chatzkel Levenstein to tell him the three most important qualities to look for in a prospective spouse. He replied: “Midos (character), midos, and midos.”

I often encourage young people to consider the following exercise: Drop in on a couple’s celebration of their fiftieth wedding anniversary. If they appear very happy, approach them and say, “Excuse me. I have begun looking for a spouse. I see that you have had a very successful marriage. Please tell me, what is it about your spouse that has made your marriage so great?” One thing we can be pretty certain of is that they are unlikely to respond, “He wears white shirts,” “She is slender,” “He went to Yale or Brisk,” or “She went/didn’t go to movies.” So, while hashkafa (religious philosophy), background, culture, education, appearance and values are each important factors to consider in choosing a partner, the “make or break” aspects of a marriage are how loyal, kind and caring each spouse is.

To put it bluntly: when we get married we place our future happiness in the hands of our mate. The way our spouse treats us – through his or her unencumbered free will – will be one of the most critical influences on the quality of our lives. What factors should we be considering when deciding to whom we will consider “entrusting our fate?” Should the decision be based on their resume and a few of their hashkafic stances?! Or, should our choice be based on their midos – kindness and consideration, loyalty and commitment, gentleness and humility?

“It is not because you are more numerous than all the other nations that G-d is interested in you and has chosen you, for you are in fact the smallest of the nations. Rather it is because G-d loves you….” It would have been far more glorious for G-d to have chosen the largest nation as His own, yet He chose you, as He saw you as most worthy of His love from amongst all the nations, because the best person to love is one who will bear his/her beloved no matter what happens.                      Ramban Devarim 6:7 (loose translation)

Talking Points for Conversation II: “What are the most important qualities that you are looking for in a spouse? Which of these qualities are going to have the greatest impact on your long-term happiness? How can you best clarify that a specific, proposed shidduch has these qualities?”

Help the young man or woman make their decisions as to whom to date based on the quality of the character of the prospective mate, to move from the “trophy” shidduch to the one who has those traits that really count, to follow in Hashem’s way (as quoted above) and choose, not based on impressive externals, but rather based on the down-home values of selfless commitment and loyalty.

Conversation III. Do you Really Want to Marry Him/Her?

At this third step, the courtship has been ongoing and a decision is being made about whether to proceed to engagement. The third conversation must help the young person clarify their genuine interest in their prospective mate, and ensure that they have had sufficient opportunity to get a real sense of the person and his or her character.

It is forbidden for a man to marry off his daughter when she is young, until she is older and says, “He is the one I wish to marry.”   Talmud Bavli Kiddushin 41a

It appears to me that G-d did not want to take the rib of man until man himself realized that amongst the other creatures there was none who could serve as his mate, and that he would crave that kind of mate.                    Ramban Bereishis 2:20

It must be clear that a prospective bride and groom are truly interested in each other on a personal level. Sometimes, young people may move ahead with a marriage simply because everything seems right on paper – they have dated the expected number of times and nothing has gone wrong, they are impressed by the resume and the trappings around the shidduch, and/or they feel some kind of unspoken (if not spoken) pressure to close the deal. However, they may not be sufficiently in touch with themselves to be able to tell whether they really are interested in the person and not just in the shidduch.

Occasionally, a contrary concern arises. Sometimes, the courtship is so magical that the young couple is enchanted with each other personally, despite hardly knowing one another. Alas, marriage is nothing like dating. As someone once quipped, “‘conversation’ is what you used to have with your wife before you married her.” The measure of a good dater is one who can engage you very well when completely focused on you, but the measure of a good spouse is one who can be mindful of you and dedicated to you even while attending to life’s business as usual. Marriage thus requires a very different skill set. A successful courtship merely indicates that the parties can act well on dates, but it is not a reliable indicator of how they will treat each other in real life. Young people need help to ensure that they do not proceed based simply on superficial impressions gleaned from formal dating.

A third significant area to probe is how much actual time the two have spent together. In the current world of long-distance dating, in which couples often form their relationship through hours on Skype and hundreds of e-mail exchanges, there is a risk that a perceived relationship actually lacks sufficient “face time” to be meaningful. There is no substitute for physical presence to really gain the taste of a relationship with another person.

A footnote: As a rabbi who deals extensively with the challenges of both couples and families, I often attend weddings with a sense of anxiety. Surrounded by joyous celebrants, I often find myself worrying about whether the nascent relationship is built to last. While my attitude may be overly jaded, I fear that too many people involved in the shidduch process tend to the opposite extreme, encouraging – consciously or otherwise – marriage decisions that are premature and precipitous.

The construction industry uses the term “builder grade” as a euphemism for cheap but superficially attractive materials. The builder’s goal is to construct a house that will look good enough to sell. His concern, however, is not how long it will last. A parent must help their children look past the short-term goal of making it to the chupah, and refocus them on evaluating the long-term prospects of the intended match. In this function, parents may find themselves cast in the role of “spoiler,” in competition with the shadchan, well-meaning friends and infinite sources of peer pressure. But it may be a parent’s most important role.

Talking Points for Conversation III: “Tell me about him/her. What do you love most about him/her? Do you enjoy and look forward to your time together? Are you attracted to him/her? What makes you feel ready to marry this person? Are you feeling any kind of pressure to close the deal? Have you interacted in informal settings? Have you seen him/her in action when he/she is involved in something other than you? Have you seen him/her express anger, frustration, or jealousy? How well do you think he/she knows the real you? What does that tell you about how well you may know him/her?”

Help the young man or woman clarify that they have a good sense of – and are truly interested in – their prospective mate, that their decision is not being pushed ahead by external considerations, nor pulled along by superficial attraction, and that they have had sufficient natural time together to have something of a real sense of relationship.

š Conversation IV: Planning a Wedding: Rehearsal for Marriage

One of the greatest intrusions on preparation for marriage is planning a wedding. The following illustration is typical: I encourage an engaged couple to invest a few hours in pre-marital counseling, and while they readily agree, they simply cannot find the time to do  so. The endless preparations for the wedding seem to preclude spending even a bit of time to prepare for marriage.

An additional challenge during this stage is that the engagement period and wedding preparations seem to encourage self-centeredness on the part of the bride and groom. The combination of their shared infatuation, the intensive preparations for a massive celebration revolving around them, as well as excessive involvement in all kinds of shopping-type activities, often promotes an attitude that is antithetical to the spirit of sharing and giving that ought to characterize the period leading up to marriage.

“Shimon his (Rabban Gamliel’s) son says: All my life I have grown up amongst sages and have found nothing better for the physical welfare of man than silence” (Avos 1:17). The SHELAH interprets this Mishna as follows: I have spent all my time in the company of sages, and from these people, who wield their influence through the spoken word, I have learned the true significance of speech. But as regards the physical aspects of life and the personal affairs of men, I have found silence to be the best policy. One is duty-bound to make provision for these things, but one must not talk much about them. Let the speech of men and their discussions center on spiritual and moral concerns. Indeed, there is nothing more offensive than the pompous gusto with which men converse about the merits of food and drink.      Rav Hirsch’s commentary on Avos 1:17

In this fourth step, a parent’s task is to transform the challenge facing the engaged child into opportunity. As the wedding planning begins, young people must be encouraged to focus on how they can use the wedding process to prepare for marriage by refining the attitudes and tools that will be invaluable for them later on, such as flexibility, sensitivity and looking the other way whenever possible. A healthy conversation can help the young people involved (and their parents, as well!) learn to care less about the wedding party, to allow for the other side’s preferences as their default position and to be sensitive to, and aware of, all the work and investment being made around them – hopefully leading them to be less demanding. In addition to easing the significant distractions, stresses and strains created by wedding planning, this shift in attitude can convert this experience into an excellent training ground for the couple’s developing relationship.

Talking Points for Conversation IV: “Are you finding the wedding planning distracting and/or stressful? What kind of impact has it had on your relationship? Has it created stresses with your fiancé or his/her parents? What do you think you can do to avoid these stresses? How frequently do you consider eloping?”

Help the young man or woman approach the preparation for the wedding as the first phase of their marriage, by helping them see it as an opportunity to practice kindness, sensitivity, and forbearance, amongst other important traits. This can serve as an important paradigm shift that can help the couple get off on healthy footing in their relationship.

šConversation V: Choosing a Taharas HaMishpacha Teacher: Training for Intimacy and Relationship

If the parents have forged a comfortable relationship with their children, and are able to communicate with them openly, then they must explain adolescence to them and prepare them for the experience. A mother should prepare her daughter, describing what sort of changes to expect. A girl entering adolescence without this preparation can be so severely traumatized by her first monthly cycle that she may not recover by the time she gets married.

Boys need preparation, too. They need to be taught what a nocturnal emission is so that they are not shocked. This is also an opportunity for a father to explain briefly to his son that sperm is a holy force that will someday make him a father, as well. At a later age, more detail should be added. The Chafetz Chaim spoke with his sons when each reached the age of fifteen, and explained to them the details of physical maturity, appropriate conduct, the prohibition on wasting seed, etc. Once in his lifetime every young man needs to be presented with the halachos that apply to this area of life. Many challenges await our youth. What an awesome task parents and teachers have to prepare the youth to face these challenges.                        Rav Shlomo Wolbe, Zeriah uBinyan b’Chinuch p. 50

Rav Wolbe’s advice is likely to elicit surprise from many readers. Some will be surprised by the delicious naïveté projected amongst youth whom Rav Wolbe anticipates will be “shocked” by their first period or emission. Other readers will be surprised that the parents would be expected to discuss these matters openly and explicitly with their children. Both reactions – perhaps from two ends of the spectrum – bespeak a gap in our child rearing. Typically, today’s young people learn “the facts of life” from the wrong people, in the wrong places, and at the wrong times. The safest and healthiest way for a child to learn about this critical dimension of life is within a warm and open parent-child relationship. Absent parental involvement, children will likely learn these lessons in raw form from their peers or media sources, or they will not learn about it properly at all and be seriously deficient in their understanding of themselves and their sexuality.

Either of these alternatives can come back to haunt a future marriage. In my rabbinic experience, I have consistently observed that healthy marriages include a warm and satisfying intimate component. When learned from raw sources, sexuality tends to be perceived as a lustful activity, independent of the framework of emotional relationship. By the same token, if children find that sexuality may never be discussed, they will likely view it as something shameful. When the time comes, it will be very difficult to recast it as an important, positive force in a marital relationship. It is therefore important to discuss this subject early on, in a manner that is secure, private and sensitive.

As the young man and woman approach their actual marriage, this discussion clearly has to be expanded. And while a parent or a specific teacher or mentor may not always be best-suited for the task, a parent surely is responsible to ensure that the groom and bride receive proper and comfortable guidance in this area.

A couple’s respective taharas hamishpacha (family purity laws) teachers, therefore, often play an invaluable role. Instruction should extend beyond the technical and the purely halachic aspects of marital relations, and should deepen the young couple’s appreciation for the positive value of healthy intimacy. Each student should be guided to understand the attitudes and needs of both genders, and how to approach their mate in a manner that is sensitive to these differences. They must come to appreciate that their personal tzenius (modesty) will enhance the meaningfulness of their intimate relationship. And they must be helped to distinguish authentic, relationship-based intimacy from the superficial, objectifying sexuality that permeates general society.

There is a current trend for many young people to learn the halachos from one teacher and meet with another mentor to discuss marriage and intimacy. This approach seems to reinforce, rather than resolve, the student’s discomfort with sexuality. While a special “shmooze” with a mentor exceptionally insightful and experienced in these areas is invaluable, the ongoing training with the regular teacher should not be separated from discussion of these issues.

A note: Intimacy is but one of many areas in which couples will require guidance as they enter marriage. The marriage relationship is fundamentally different from any other relationship in the level of inter-connectedness between husband and wife. As such, many issues are worthy of exploration and anticipation in advance of marriage. This should be encouraged, whether in the form of discussion, reading, and/or formal pre-marital counseling. Our discussion here has focused on intimacy because of its uniqueness and centrality to the marital relationship, and because training in the related laws is always part of marriage preparation.

Talking Points for Conversation V: “How are you managing with the halachic limits on physical contact during engagement? We also found it challenging. Can you see the difference between other desires you may have experienced and this desire for someone you love? While you need to carefully observe the halachic limits, your struggle is a healthy sign of an important dimension in your developing relationship.”

Begin some level of open discussion about the important role intimacy will play in their marriage. The discussion should proceed to help the young person choose a taharas hamishpacha teacher who effectively includes the human elements of intimacy in their training.

Conversation VI: How are you Settling in? Following Up.

And Moshe said to G-d, “The people cannot ascend to Mount Sinai, for You warned us saying, ‘Set boundaries for the mountain and sanctify it.’ ” But G-d said to him, “Go, descend…” (Shemos 19:23-24)

 (Moshe said) I do not have to warn them today because they were already warned three days ago, and they cannot ascend [the mountain] since they have no permission. (G-d responded) Go, descend and warn them a second time, for we caution a person before the act he is to perform, and we caution him again at the time of the act. (Rashi’s Commentary)

Perhaps more valuable than pre-marital discussions is ensuring that, after the wedding, the young couple has ready and comfortable access to practical guidance and support. Parents, rabbonim, teachers and mentors should ensure that their availability is fully conveyed to the young couple, and should try to either check in with the newly-married couple themselves, or, if appropriate, confirm that someone else is playing that role. A continuing connection with the right taharas hamishpacha teachers can be invaluable in this regard.

Certain Chassidic and Sephardic communities have established systems in which young men are assigned a mentor who maintains contact with them for the first years of marriage, providing guidance and support until such point as the couple has truly settled in. Whatever the protocol and whatever the avenue, it is essential for young people to have the access and the means to address issues that arise in their developing relationship openly and thoughtfully.

Talking Points for Conversation VI: “How are you settling in to marriage? What has been your most challenging adjustment? How have you addressed it? Who would you seek help from if you were struggling to address it? Do you view seeking help in your marriage as a weakness?” Ensure that your child has someone to turn to as he/she begins the journey of marriage.

Conclusion

The suggestions in this article are so basic and simple that they are surely being carried out in many homes. However, one or more of these suggestions are often neglected, leaving many young people to travel this road without proper preparation and guidance. This often leads to poor decision-making in choosing a spouse, and may leave them insufficiently prepared for the challenges of marriage.

The central suggestion is simply to stop and think. Parents, review these issues with your kids! Rabbis and teachers, discuss these things with your congregants and students! And young people, don’t just rush headlong into this marriage thing! Look to those around you to help you approach this critical stage of life with proper thought and preparation.

Six simple conversations can help you think much more clearly about marriage.  Six simple conversations can prove invaluable in establishing a secure and loving home built on solid foundations.

Rabbi Moshe Hauer is the Rav of Congregation Bnai Jacob Shaarei Zion in Baltimore, Maryland.

Shaya Ostrov, LCSW

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE. 

The Menuchah Principle in Engagement and Marriage

Evidence of the Growing Crisis

It is conspicuously evident in my own practice – counseling dating, engaged and married couples – that there is a growing crisis in our community of broken engagements and early divorces. A quick scan of my most recent meetings with married and engaged couples revealed that over half had been previously married or had broken engagements. It appears that we are witnessing the fabric of many precious young lives unraveling and being thrown into a tragic abyss, touching every individual and family in Klal Yisroel.

The primary aim of this article will be to demonstrate how this growing phenomenon is the direct result of our immersion in the culture of contemporary, Western society. Though on one level, this society has given us the carte blanch freedom to express ourselves externally as Jews, it has also usurped, and laid claim to, our ruchnius. This has had a negative impact on the ability of a growing number of young couples to develop a mutual commitment of love and closeness, which is so essential to engagement and marriage.

This article will explore the dynamics of how this challenge confronts our young couples, and will discuss how the teaching and cultivation of menuchas hanefesh can guide them through the overwhelming confusion and turbulence they experience throughout the process of engagement and marriage.

Before I share my insights and observations as to the causes, as well as models for prevention and education, I feel it is essential to first present a few descriptions of the couples and individuals I have seen, and the nature of their distress.

Four Relationships in Distress

1. Ari is an articulate and intelligent young man from a well-respected, “yeshivish” family. While only twenty four, he was preparing for his second marriage, his first marriage having ended just six months earlier.

“Beginning with the first days of our sheva brochos, my first marriage was a nightmare that never ended. From the beginning, it was a tragic mistake and I couldn’t wait to get out.

“I met my present kallah a few months after the get, and thought she was everything my first wife could never be. But now, as the wedding is getting closer, I’m experiencing the same feelings of anxiety, anger and hurt toward my kallah that I felt toward my first wife. Everyone told me my first wife was to blame. But now I’m beginning to fear that I also had a lot to do with killing the marriage and that I’m running headlong into a second tragedy.”

Ari was overwhelmed by his confusion and fear of another impending disaster. He was seriously considering breaking the engagement.

2. Bracha’s wedding was just two weeks away. She was about to call off the wedding but her friend pressured her to consult with me before she alerted her parents or her chosson. She confided in me that all her life she dreamed that her engagement would be accompanied by a sense of excitement and that she would “really be into” her chosson. Alas, those feeling are absent. She feels “pareve” and uninspired. “This is not how I want to live my life. I’m scared that I’m throwing my life away,” she explained, emphatically and tearfully.

3. While still in their shana rishona (first year of marriage), Malkie and Shimon have been experiencing an ongoing crisis that began shortly after their wedding when Shimon asked Malkie to lose weight. Malkie never thought of herself as overweight, and was deeply hurt and upset. For the sake of the marriage, Malkie decided to accommodate Shimon’s request, joining a gym, and going on a diet. In fact, she soon began to look and feel trimmer. Shimon, however, then began to obsess over other features of Malkie’s appearance, and she began to experience a deepening sense of depression, along with low self-esteem. “I just can’t trust him any longer. How can I live with someone I know is unsatisfied every time he looks at me and finds something else he dislikes? I never fathomed that I would ever want a divorce, but I finally feel the impossible has happened and I want out.”

4. Pretty and expressive, Shaindy is a twenty-one-year-old speech therapist. Over the past two years she has dated about twenty boys and was finally introduced to Yaakov, to whom she became engaged after eight dates. Shaindy’s vort was scheduled for the very evening of the day that she called me. “My vort is tonight and I simply can’t go. I thought I liked him, but now just talking to Yaakov makes me nervous.” Shaindy is obviously overwhelmed by anxiety. She describes her shortness of breath, an upset stomach and an avalanche of contradictory and insecure thoughts and emotions that leave her feeling paralyzed and debilitated. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.” She intended to tell her parents that she can’t go forward and to ask them to call off the vort.

The Interrupted Life Cycle

These brief descriptions can help us appreciate how the plethora of confusing emotions and symptoms can transform the lives of young people who, prior to approaching marriage, had been functioning competently in the critical spheres of their lives. By all indications, Ari, Bracha and the others should have progressed through the life-cycle events of dating (or meetings), engagement, wedding and marriage with relative competence and success, just as every generation has in the past. However, the challenges of engagement and marital commitment have exposed personal weaknesses in their ability to adjust to their new roles of chosson and kallah.

Observing the interactions of these couples, one might conclude that their problems can be attributed to troubled thoughts, emotions and behavior that have spun out of control. These may include feelings of hurt, betrayal, anxiety, deprivation, depression, loneliness, jealousy and insecurity, as well as other contributing factors related to finances, parental relationships and medical or psychiatric issues.

Such issues, however, are not new, and they cannot account for the widespread struggles being faced in making the transition to married life. Instead, I understand the primary cause to be the infiltration into our communities of a foreign value system that is antithetical not only to Torah but to the institution of marriage. Our children are struggling because they are being influenced by a very different set of values than in the past.

Consider the following two statements I heard during recent counseling sessions: “So what if I get divorced. Most of my friends already are and they’re waiting for me to join them.” In another interview, a young kallah told me, “I’m not thrilled with his looks and I don’t see why I should settle. Most of my friends have broken engagements and seem to be doing just fine.” And finally, a young yeshivah man called me in distress the day after his vort and said, “I looked around after my vort and saw girls prettier than my kallah. What am I going to do?”

These statements reflect how the shifting of values away from marriage and family life in general society is invading the heart of our community. This trend is quite evident in a culture in which at least 50% of first marriages, and 67% of second marriages, end in divorce, and in which fewer and fewer people are getting married at all. New York City has approximately 2.8 million singles, which is about 30% of its adult population – about double the percentage of singles in 1960.

The profound influences of the surrounding culture on the lives of our young couples are seen in many ways. First, there is an increased acceptability of contacts between men and women outside the marriage, such as through Facebook and other online social networking sites. Furthermore, my contacts with young singles and couples reveal changing preferences in clothing, music, cars, home designs and the use of alcohol (and other intoxicating substances), all following the influences of a surrounding culture that is super-saturated with narcissism and gashmius. I was recently taken by surprise when a young kallah from a “heimish” background told me why she was breaking her engagement: her chosson was boring because he didn’t appreciate the thrill she felt in bungee jumping at the amusement park. This may sound like an absurd exaggeration; I wish it was.

This young woman’s attitude reflects an inability to distinguish between the noise and chaos of the outside world and the experience of a meaningful life within the tranquil and clear center of a discernible self. Too often, people in this generation experience “self” through outside stimuli, such as thrills or acquisitions.  We confuse the essence of self, which is pnimiyus (within), with all things chitzoniyus (external), such as our iPhones, late-model cars, careers, Facebook friends, shopping venues or favorite wines. Ironically, we satisfy ourselves that, on the surface (in chitzoniyus), we are scrupulous in continuing to maintain our appearance as Torah Jews, while dismissing our pnimiyus as boring and empty.

This illusion, which is not new, has its roots in the challenges of our avos. Chazal teach us that the Sar of Esav who struggled with Yaakov was dressed like a talmid chochom. Perhaps this is a warning that anti-Torah values can sometimes present themselves in the trappings of holy appearances. The danger is that our neshama, which connects with life’s subtleties and with ruchnius, will be deceived and overcome by a non-Jewish culture masquerading as a “talmid chochom.” It is clear to me that this properly attired Sar of Esav has now invaded our offices, tables, shuls, bedrooms, weddings and even our botie midrash. I recently quipped to a Rosh Yeshivah that it’s almost as if Esav purchased a Borsalino hat and sat himself down in the middle of the bais medrash. The Rosh Yeshiva responded, “He’s not in the middle, he’s sitting on the mizrach vant.” 

At the Heart of Our Equilibrium and Continuity

What makes the Torah’s intended marital relationship unique is that it is based on the cultivation of the tzelem Elokim within each individual. Chazal view the neshama/deeper self of the Jew as something unique in all creation. Rav Yerucham Levovitz, zt”l, in his sefer Daas Torah (Parshas Metzorah), refers to a Medrash which describes our neshamas  as a silken and delicate spiritual center that, from our earliest life experiences, develops and emerges through moments of quiet intimacy and that continues to evolve through healthy and loving family experiences as well as through Torah education.

Rav Chaim Freidlander, zt’l, in his vaadim on menuchas hanefesh (Midos V’Avodas Hashem, Vol. II), quotes the Alter of Kelm, who refers to a posuk in Tehillim to describe the essence of closeness, trust and inner security for which we yearn throughout our lives: “I swear that I stilled and silenced my soul like a suckling at the side of his mother, like a suckling child is to me my soul” (131:2). The essence of this message is that all our meaningful experiences with Hashem and with those closest to us are founded on our ability to cultivate a relationship rooted in a quiet and trusting center of our selves. While the initial experience emerges through the trust and closeness of the mother-infant relationship, it grows and expands to form the basis of all meaningful relationships. The ability to develop this of love and trust within marriage is at the very heart of sholom bayis, as well.

Yet this concept is alien to us in this digital age. As we become more ensconced and entrapped in technology, the gentleness of our deeper selves and our closest relationships is lost, along with the sacredness of our relationship to Hashem. Texting replaces meaningful dialogue, internet addictions replace love, alcohol and substance abuse replace profound human experience, and career – along with the pursuit of money and acquisitions – replaces the cultivation of our deeper human sensitivities. The result is that our innate yearning to experience a life of depth and significance has been swept away by  powerful waves of shallow times, leaving so many to merely cling to the external symbols of a Torah life that is sadly devoid of meaning and maturity.

The Forces within Conflict

This struggle between our chitzonius and our ruchnius, so poignantly confronted by young couples at this time in our history, actually echoes a battle between two forces which Hashem has placed in our world. It is the battle between chaos and turbulence on one side and inner calm and equilibrium on the other. Chazal describe this as the struggle between menuchas hanefesh and pizur hanefesh.

Rav Yerucham Levovitz, zt”l, (Daas Torah, Beraishis, p. 146), quotes the Navi Yeshaya, who says, “haresha’im k’yam nigrash” (the wicked are like troubled seas – Yeshaya 57:20). He interprets the navi’s words to mean that life for resha’im is an ever-turbulent and stormy sea, where chaos and turbulence reign. We see this so clearly in our own culture, which has spawned a world saturated in violence, excitement, incessant images of erotic stimuli, and struggles for power, money and fame. Many in our own Torah world celebrate and even revel in this culture, as it is expressed through its media, sports, politics, entertainment and even the battle for parnossah. Its rhythms are focused on the sensory gratification of self and never on the development of modesty, fidelity, loyalty and all the other midos that emerge from our deeper selves. It is in this world that relationships of love and tenderness are replaced by narcissism and self-gratification.

Rav Yerucham defines the inherent link between the menuchah experience, personal relationships and Shabbos. All are integrally bound within each other, as he writes, “the ability to love all creation emerges from the quality of menuchah. Giving emerges from menuchah. Without menuchah it is impossible to love or to give.” For Rav Yerucham, menuchah is the state of mind that leads to our ability to care, to love, and to maintain our inner peace, emotional equilibrium and security. Hashem placed menuchah within the essence of Shabbos and we are urged by Chazal to experience its gentle ambience after each week, and then carry it within us throughout the following week. Chazal refer to tzadikkim as “Shabbos,” as their true greatness is reflected in the inner peace that they draw from Shabbos, and which they maintain and radiate from one Shabbos to the next. In my own experiences I have always found that true gedolim are able to maintain a sense of equanimity and calmness throughout the many trials of their lives, which enables them to guide and give chizuk to others.

Through the menuchas hanefesh we experience on Shabbos, we return to the core of our deeper selves, solidifying the bonds between husband and wife, parents and children and between each of us and both Hashem and His Torah. It is our task to translate this core experience into every facet of our lives, including learning to be more patient, caring, loving, tolerant, flexible, thoughtful and to develop every other mida that enables us to share a marriage and family life that is receptive and inviting to the Shechina itself.

In my professional work, the single most important concept I attempt to teach every individual or couple who requests my guidance is to incorporate menuchas hanefesh into every dimension of their lives. Through a series of meditative, walking, communications and focusing activities, couples learn to cultivate a deeper sense of inner balance and sensitivity and the ability to experience and share loving feelings as they develop an evolving sense of security.

In its absence, there is a vacuum that is filled with the drumbeat of the yam nigrash – the stormy sea of Esav. Through this clearer sense of self, couples can see through the fog and chaos of the culture, its self-serving distortions of love and romance, its obsession with erotic stimulation, the lure of the internet, media, texting, substance abuse and even the “thrill of the bungee jump.” Which couple would ever want to yield life’s most precious gift – a secure, loving and healthy state of mind that brings us closer to our deeper selves, Hashem and to those we so dearly love?

The effects of this approach on married, engaged and dating couples has been empowering and transforming. Each of the individuals and couples I cited at the beginning of this article was able to utilize these concepts to navigate successfully through the challenges they faced. Menuchas hanefesh enables us to sense that, at every moment, Hashem endows us with the innate ability to discover our inner strength, stability, balance and wisdom.

Because of its ability to empower, I have written two books on this concept: The Menuchah Principle in Marriage and The Menuchah Principle in Shidduchim, Dating and Engagement. They contain the current level of my understanding of how this gift from Hashem can be internalized into every dimension of our lives. 

Defining the uniqueness of Menuchas Hanefesh

Before I describe my own initiatives toward teaching menuchas hanefesh, it is crucial to make a distinction between menuchas hanefesh and other approaches that promote experiences of inner peace that have their roots in secular methodologies and even Eastern religions such as Zen or Buddhism. Mindfulness, meditation, reciting mantras, breathing techniques and learning to live in the moment-to-moment experience of life are all widely accepted as enhancing inner peace and tranquility. It is understandable why these approaches have proven effective in treating symptoms related to anxiety and borderline personality disorders, as they promote inner calmness and security.

Cultivating menuchas hanefesh, however, is not a therapeutic approach. It is learning to access a state of mind that creates a comprehensive and deep, inner alignment between our neshama and Hashem, in a personal relationship that connects us to loved ones, to the meaning and experience of mitzvos, to Torah study, and to every other aspect of Torah life. It radiates though all our interpersonal experiences and expressions of Torah life. Menuchas hanefesh enhances marriage and relationships because the essence of our Jewish selves is guided by its quiet and gentle influence.

There are two more thoughts that should be cited. The state of menuchas hanefesh is not acquired as a consequence of a natural process. It a gift of love which is given to us through our profound faith that Hashem cares for, and watches over, each of us with an unfathomable love. This is the clear message in the tefilah for Shabbos minchah, when we recite, “ki me’itcha hee menuchosom” – menuchah comes directly fromHashem.

The second thought is that when we acknowledge in this tefilah that menucha is a gift of love from Hashem, we immediately recite the next and perhaps most important of all concepts: “…and through their menuchah, [Yisrael] sanctifies Your Name.” When we learn to cultivate a lifestyle that enables us to receive and experience this gift from Hashem, our very sensitivity, tranquility and care for others enables us to become a true kiddush Hashem. This, in essence, is the purpose of our existence. Torah life and marriage cannot maintain their beauty and kedushah without this, leaving them vulnerable to the chaos from without. 

Two Model Programs

Over the past six months, I have initiated two programs in teaching menuchas hanefesh, which may be models that can offer a significant contribution toward stabilizing and strengthening young, marital relationships.

The first is a one-year training program for women who are experienced working with kallahs, students and shalom bayis issues. The group presently meets weekly and is progressing through successive phases of training, including learning the concepts related to menuchas hanefesh in their own lives and preparing programs to teach menuchas hanefesh to groups of kallos and couples. After the one-year program is completed, each participant is expected to work both independently and in pairs to assume active roles in teaching these principles to appropriate populations within the Torah community.

The program covers the following training format:

• The Experiential Difference between Menuchas Hanefesh and Pizur Hanefesh in Marriage and Relationships.
• The Five Dimensions of Self: Thought, Feelings, Physiology, Behavior and the Self in Relationships
• Transformation and the Tools of Transformation
• The EMBERS program for Relationship Building: Expressions, Moods, Behavior, Enjoyment, Ruchnius and Sensitivity
• Developing Approaches to work with Groups and Individuals.
• Ongoing Peer Supervision

The second program has been named the Menuchah Circle. Young, single women meet on a regular basis, and also work in pairs, to help one another acquire the understanding and skills that will enable them to build relationships rooted in menuchas hanefesh. There are presently two Menuchah Circle groups and, since their inception, four members have become kallahs. Each of these young women has expressed how learning these principles has had a decisive effect on their ability to maintain the emotional equilibrium and clarity so crucial in building the relationships that led to their engagement and marriage.

Over the past three years, I have grown in my appreciation of the meaning of menuchas hanefesh and its enormous potential for helping young couples ground themselves in a deepening sense of security and stability that will, BE”H, enable them to build the marriages and families they all deserve. It is my experience and belief that the more we learn to incorporate Chazal’s brilliance into our lives, the more we imbue our marriages with Hashem’s gifts of true love and fulfillment.

One final program which is still in its planning stages is Shabbos Menuchah, a Shabbos retreat (or local community event) that immerses couples and individuals within experiences that enhance the understanding and experience of menuchas hanefesh. B’ezras Hashem, with these and other efforts in this direction, we will make significant contributions toward enabling our younger and even mature couples to rediscover the beauty of sholom bayis that Hashem desires for us all.

Shaya Ostrov, L.C.S.W., maintains a private practice in Far Rockaway, provides lectures and workshops on relationships and is the author of The Menuchah Principle in Marriage, The Menuchah Principle in Shidduchim, Dating and Engagement (Judaica Press) and The Inner Circle: Seven Gates to Marriage (Feldheim Press).

Rabbi Shraga Neuberger

Klal Perspectives, Symposium on Preparedness for Marriage

To read this issue’s questions, CLICK HERE.

Shalom Bayis: The Crown of Personal Growth

Are the challenges facing married couples in contemporary American life actually that unique? Ultimately, the answer is no. Marriage is fundamentally about growing beyond one’s self, and – though the circumstances may change from one generation or locale to another – the struggle involves many of the same natural qualities and midos with which men and women were created. When understood correctly, the Torah sources that shed light on the enterprise of marriage, and on interpersonal relationship in general, provide the essential guidance needed for every generation.

However, although the challenges themselves may not be unique, there are a variety of factors in today’s society that can make it extremely difficult to confront these challenges effectively. In other words, the challenges inherent in today’s world – from those affecting how children are raised to the process of shidduchim, and from the fast pace of life to the shallow culture around us – can substantially undermine our ability to focus on and to embrace the values, attitudes and ideals upon which a successful, Torahdikke marriage is based.

The first part of this essay will review some of these complicating factors that obscure the Torah’s path to successful marriage. The second part will then present some of the most vital steps along this path, albeit in brief form.

š Part I: Unique Challenges of Our Time

The following areas of concern strike me as the most frequent obstacles that prevent young people from focusing on, and dedicating themselves to, the Torah’s path for a successful marriage:

Expectations

Today’s dominant values encourage expectations about married life that are not only misplaced, but thoroughly incompatible with the Torah’s path. In particular, many expect that the right families, the right living arrangements and the right amenities, along with a natural attraction between husband and wife, will lead to marital joy and happiness.

Torah wisdom takes a completely different view: that is, marriage – like life itself – presents a person with a designed set of challenges to engage. Joy in marriage comes from joining together to engage these challenges and to thereby – over a period of years – nurture a relationship and a home that express the eternal truths of G-d’s Creation. The joy is a function not of what you can take from the marriage right away but of what it becomes – and of what you can become – when you invest yourself in it.

Today’s young people too often arrive at marriage with the convictions that they should be able to remain the “same person” in marriage as they had been before, and that their spouse and home environment are meant to faithfully reinforce their self-image, sparing them the need to change. They do not anticipate, nor are they prepared for, a process of self-development in which they grow together with a spouse into an interdependent couple.

Couples must recognize that marriage is meant to change a person. Indeed, if you ask any long-married individual if they are the same person they were – or expected to become – on their wedding day, you are likely to get a wistful smile and a “no.” Marriage is about strategic compromise, as husband and wife slowly discover their differences and respective needs – as well as their strengths and weaknesses – and learn how to adapt to the realities of their emerging, interdependent relationship.

“Interdependent” means that each spouse recognizes that they can no longer be themselves by themselves – that, on a certain level, their very identities now depend on one another. They must each shape their approach to the shared spheres of their lives – from minor habits and mannerisms to what kind of Shabbos table they want, to the father or mother they hope to be – with their spouse’s perspective prominently in mind.  Such an approach requires an openness to learning not only about one’s spouse – how he view things, what she cares about, what makes him uncomfortable or gives her joy – but also about one’s self as part of this new couple.

As we will see in Part II, this very process is essential to the development of each individual, as he or she overcomes self-centered instincts to live a shared and responsible life of love and connection.

A second mistaken expectation that must be overcome if marriage is to succeed is that of instant gratification.  Most young people rarely have worked hard over an extended period of time in order to achieve a meaningful goal. As a result, they are ill prepared for the long-term investments necessary to allow their marriage to mature. With a field of vision limited to the immediate future, young couples place unreasonable pressure on their marriage to quickly live up to impossible expectations and, not surprisingly, each blames the spouse for the inevitable failure.

An Absence of Depth

Another factor placing today’s generation at a distinct disadvantage in meeting the challenges of marriage is the widespread deficiency in depth of character. For a variety of reasons, most people live relatively shallower lives than in previous times, rarely facing the sort of wrenching tests of character that were once commonplace. Such tests (nisyonos) draw out a person’s character and deepen his appreciation of who he is and what he can do. This character development enables the individual to evolve into more of a giver in life, with greater inner-strength from which to draw.

Today, life choices typically follow one well-beaten path or another, going through motions that countless others have gone through already. As a result, people are far less inclined to dig deeper in search of independent solutions to problems or to extend themselves for the sake of a relationship. The common view is that if something does not seem right on the surface – if it doesn’t fit with standard expectations – it must be no good.

Most of life’s challenges require depth of character, and marriage is chief among them. Lacking in this area will certainly hamper one’s ability to implement the Torah’s vision of a successful marriage.

Family Challenges

The increase in divorce is a problem that feeds on itself, as children who grew up in unstable homes are more likely to experience challenges in establishing their own marriages. Even the increased acceptability of divorce as an option is weakening the marital bonds that keep families strong.

Though marital problems are experienced by children of the best homes, and products of unstable homes often make very good spouses, the incidence of difficulty is higher for those who grew up with undesirable models of marriage.

In such cases, children often commit to themselves that they will not repeat their parents’ mistakes, especially when those mistakes caused them to suffer. Nevertheless, despite their good intentions, these patterns are not so easily dismissed, often taking root in their own marriage, as well.

It is important to look out for such signs in one’s relationships during school years, as chronic difficulties with roommates, chavrusahs (study partners), etc., can foreshadow similar problems in marriage. In such instances, it is vital that opportunities to develop relationship skills be embraced, as “I’ll do better in my marriage” is a hollow promise.

The awareness that they may have problematic tendencies, along with the proactive commitment to replace these tendencies with positive behaviors, can enable these young people to have as successful a marriage as anyone else.

The shidduch process itself has the potential to steer a couple off course, both in choosing the right spouse and in commencing a new marriage. Ideally, a couple should enter marriage from a position of strength, making a confident choice in establishing a home they can believe in. Too often, the shidduch process leaves individuals off balance and unsure for a variety of reasons.

In the worst cases, young people – or not-so-young people – feel pressured to say yes to a shidduch for fear of being left without a spouse. Sadly, one of the words most associated today with “shidduch” is “crisis,” as many are all-too-aware. The dating process can feel like a slow game of “musical chairs,” dominated by a sense of pressure to grab a seat before there are none left. This is not the ideal frame of mind from which to enter the lifelong commitment of marriage.

Additionally, in some circles, parents tend to play a primary role in identifying prospects and, while this is often beneficial to children who may not be equipped to navigate the scene, parents sometimes pursue the sort of spouse they would want for their children rather than the spouse their children actually need. Children often sense this, but may resign themselves to “doing the best they can” with the options made available by their parents. When things don’t go very well in these types of situations, it is too easy to feel the marriage was not meant to be.

Conclusion to Part I: More Help Needed to Make Things Work

Marriage takes a lot of hard work, but when the couple is not sufficiently focused, or is at a loss as to how to proceed, that hard work needs to be shared by parents, rabbeim, mentors or advisors. In many cases, when a commitment of time and energy is forthcoming, marriages that seem at risk can be stabilized and set on a positive path of love and joy. Sadly, many young couples do not have the benefit of the “angel” they need, and, perhaps after years of unsuccessful efforts during which children are born, find no choice but to end their marriages.

š Part II: A Torah Path for Marriage

The Torah’s teachings about marriage cannot be squeezed into the space we have available, and really require personal guidance from a rebbe. Nevertheless, below is a brief synopsis of several primary concepts, as presented in Ner Yisrael’s Kollel Avodas Levi as part of a program for students in their first year of marriage. This program is intended to bring into focus the essential growth opportunities marriage was intended to provide – and upon which its success ultimately depends.

I. A Culture of Shalom

There is no greater value in marriage than shalom bayis – a peaceful home. Achieving this goal, however, is dependent on virtually every good quality we can hope to have – ideal midos, understanding others, good communication, healthy emotions, physical strength after a tiring day (especially when dinner is delayed), etc. All of these impact on shalom, and will be addressed in the coming sections.

Shalom itself, however, has two dimensions, as revealed by two separate comments of Rashi about Aharon Hakohen – the paradigm of shalom. In Bamidbar (20:29), Rashi explains that Aharon would instill love between parties to a conflict and between a husband and wife (matil ahava bein baalei meriva uvein ish l’ishto), while in Devarim (34:8) he writes that Ahron would establish peace among people and between a husband and wife (nosein shalom bein ish l’reyehu uvein isha l’baala) with no mention of conflict.

While the earlier Rashi speaks of remedying discord and restoring peace and friendship, the later Rashi seems to echo the practice of Aharon Hakohen that is described in Avos d’Rabi Nassan. There, we are taught that that the very manner in which Aharon related to people would inspire them to greater heights and contribute to an environment of joy and satisfaction. As a result, people would be more inclined to appreciate what they had and to be good to each other, resulting in a long-term culture of shalom.

An individual who wants to enhance his marriage and raise the level of his home should dedicate himself to developing a culture of shalom, in which everyone can trust, respect and appreciate each other with openness and confidence. This primary goal will influence and guide all other efforts within the framework of home, marriage and family.

Achieving shalom is, in fact, one of the primary goals of tikun hamidos (character development) in general, and it is among the most important chochmos (topics of wisdom) to be learned from the Torah. The discussion below will further develop this idea, but it takes a lifelong process of learning to grow into an ish shalom – a man of peace[1].

II. Navigating Differences and Tikun Hamidos

In seeking a spouse, we naturally look for shared values, interests, perspectives and background. No matter how perfect the match, however, there is no escaping the eventual realization of just how different husband and wife really are. It is very common, in fact, for newlyweds to wonder at some point during the first several months of marriage if they married the wrong person. This is a completely natural response as the realization of differences begins to set in.

As explained by the Midrash, the story of Creation itself highlights just how difficult[2] these differences can be. The Midrash teaches that G-d created Adam first without a wife because He knew how much Adam would complain about her and wanted Adam to know what it would feel like to be alone first so he would request a mate. This way, when Adam would complain, G-d could respond – you were the one who asked for her!

Apparently, these differences – and the feeling of incompatibility – are essential to the creation of man. In fact, the Torah describes the mate Adam was missing[3], and that he was given, as an “ezer k’negdo” – “a support opposite him.” Rashi quotes the famous Midrash, which says, “if he merits, she is a support; if not, she opposes him.” “If he merits” means that if he views his wife’s differences as a support to his personal growth, seeing her as a perfectly designed companion who can bring out his best qualities as part of a couple, then she will be a support. If he does not merit, if he expects to remain his own individual[4], whose companion is simply meant to complement him as he is, he will experience his wife as “opposing him.”

These differences, and the challenge to navigate them and harmonize them, are essential to what marriage is all about: an opportunity to establish an ideal relationship – through which to create and raise a family – through tikun hamidos.

There are three areas of difference between husbands and wives that pose challenges to the marriage and that serve as calls to improve midos: gender, family/background and strengths and weaknesses.

The most obvious is gender differences. The midrash points out, for example, that man was created from earth (“G-d made man from the dust of the earth”) and woman from bone (“G-d built the tzela [bone] that he took from the man into a woman”), and that their natures are thus inherently different. They think differently, feel differently and communicate differently, and therefore, they do not readily understand or appreciate each other all the time. A successful marriage depends on each spouse learning as much as they can about the other’s nature.

Perhaps the most commonly faced differences are found in the particular customs and traditions each brings from their families and backgrounds. It is important to understand that even minor customs can represent deeply held values for the newly married husband or wife, carrying associations with precious memories and symbolizing their respect for their parents and grandparents. Dismissing such practices can be taken as an affront to one’s entire upbringing.

Simply becoming used to one way of doing things can also cause someone to see other ways as inferior, or even wrong. A husband may have grown up with real dishes used on weeknights, while the wife’s family may have preferred plastic. Before long, the husband may feel his wife is not taking meals seriously and he is liable to express this to her in a manner that seems to belittle her parents and her childhood home.

Young couples must be helped to recognize that different families express their values in different ways, and that they must be extra sensitive when discussing even the most minor of issues. “My mother never bought that kind of soap” may seem to be an insignificant observation, but it can easily be interpreted by a wife to imply that her family must be inferior if that was the brand of choice in her parent’s home.

Ideally, by the time a couple is married, they have learned that there are a variety of honorable way to conduct a home and that young couples will inevitably experience minor clashes as they merge their manners and customs into a new household.

Perhaps the greatest challenge in marriage is to accept the weaknesses of one’s spouse in a good-natured and understanding manner. A married couple consists of two people who have the closest possible view of each other’s weaknesses. To make matters worse, each individual has had two decades or so to get used to – and to justify – their own weaknesses, as opposed to their new spouse, whose weaknesses seem to stick out and to be completely unnecessary.

The desire to overcome this challenge is one of the most important motivations to develop one’s midos as much as possible. It takes many positive midos to overcome the negative feelings that are aroused when one has to bear someone else’s shortcomings, especially when they come up repeatedly. This is at the very core of the path to shalom, which extends beyond merging differences to specifically include covering for each other’s weaknesses, as well. Shalom exists when each person recognizes his or her relative strengths and weaknesses and the relative strengths and weaknesses of others, contributing their strengths to cover for the weaknesses of others and accepting the strengths of others to cover for their own.

III. Simcha and Ahava Temidis

There is a tried and true method of strengthening one’s self to accept the shortcomings of others – simchas hachaim (joy in life). In fact, maintaining simchas hachaim is one of the most powerful drivers of shalom bayis available.

This wisdom is reflected in a comment of Rashi[5] to a well-known account in Taanis 23a, in which Eliyahu HaNavi identifies two brothers in a busy marketplace as the ones who are deserving of eternal life in the World to Come. We are told they are “funny people who make sad people happy and bring peace between those who are fighting.” Rashi adds, “They are happy people who make others happy.” Why did Rashi add that they are happy people? Because the only way to make others happy is to be happy yourself.

Comedians who are not happy can make people laugh for a while, but they cannot really lift their spirits, enabling them to be happier. If you have spent time with someone who is truly happy, you know how much it can affect you. One key to shalom bayis, therefore, is to focus your efforts on developing your own joy in life. Not only will this lift you up and enable you to keep everything else – including the shortcomings of others – in perspective, it will lift others up as well, creating the kind of positive atmosphere in the home in which shalom comes naturally.

A family needs more than simcha and shalom, though – they need love. It is clear in the writings of the Rambam that a necessary component of love is that it is expressed continually (see footnote for examples[6]). In marriage, this means looking for daily opportunities to make a husband or wife feel loved – a thoughtful gesture, a sincere smile, a kind word. Love in marriage is a davar sheb’tzina – a private matter between husband and wife, and so it is easy for some to imagine that, since they never see it, it is not an essential part of marriage. Nothing, however, can be further from the truth. Remember the Rashi we quoted about how Aharon Hakohen was a rodef shalom (pursuer of peace): “He would instill love between parties to a conflict and between a husband and wife.”

IV. Knowing Each Other

It may seem obvious, but a married couple is meant to enjoy feelings of closeness to each other. On one level, such closeness is inevitable, as they share so much of their lives together. But true closeness depends on how well a couple really knows each other as individuals, which is far more difficult than it may seem.

In fact, even self-knowledge does not come easily. Consider the following discussion in the gemara (Shabbos 10b[7]):

Rav Chisda was walking around with two portions of meat[8], saying, “If anyone teaches me something new from Rav I will give him these portions.” Rava bar Mechasya told him [a halacha] and Rav Chisda gave him the meat. Rava bar Mechasya then said to him, “The words of Rav are so precious to you? I suppose that is what Rav meant when he said, ‘Clothing is valuable to the one who wears it’ (i.e., one who is used to wearing certain clothes most appreciates having them, implying that Rav Chisda so appreciated the words of Rav because he was used to learning from him – Rashi).” Rav Chisda answered back, “Rav said that? This thought is even more precious to me than the first one! If I had another portion of meat, I’d give that to you, also!”

The Maharsha questions how the second quote from Rav – which was just a general observation about people – could have been more precious to Rav Chisda than the halacha he had heard first. He answers briefly, saying that “more precious to me” meant it was more personally meaningful. Through this story, the gemara seems to be teaching us an especially important principle: The halacha Rav Chisda heard taught him Torah, but the second thought he heard taught him about himself. He recognized more deeply why he was so eager to learn from Rav and this increased self-knowledge helped to put so much more into perspective, contributing substantially to his avodas Hashem (service of G-d), as well as to his understanding of Torah itself.

Self-knowledge is the foundation of all our knowledge, as it is the prism through which we see everything else. Just as we need to know ourselves to understand our own avoda, we need to understand others to succeed in bein adam l’chavero (interpersonal relationships) – especially bein ish l’ishto (between husband and wife). The more we know about our spouse as a person – and there is always more to learn about every person – the closer to each other we can become and the better we can care for their needs and enhance their simchas hachaim, strengthening the shalom in our homes.

š V.  Romemus Habayis

Lastly, it is important for each new couple to consider how to raise their new home above the mundane by adopting practices of spiritual value. Whether in the area of kedusha (holiness), such as a love of Shabbos or an appreciation for tznius (modesty), in chessed, through community activism or inviting guests, or in an extra dedication to Torah study, each home should reflect a special commitment to Torah values.

Choosing what special values or practices to embrace, however, must be done with careful deliberation between husband and wife, and preferably with the guidance of a rebbe. Sincere commitments are terrific – unless they are made on someone else’s back. Rav Yisrael Salantar, zt”l, would emphasize that one should not add to mitzvos on someone else’s account[9] – and this applies to a spouse, as well. It is wonderful for a husband to invite guests, but if his wife is not quite up for her share of the work, his invitation is a mistake.

Before a couple extends themselves beyond the development of their relationship, they must be confident in the strength of that relationship. This means recognizing that that the greatest way to uplift one’s home begins with reaching out to one’s own spouse – showing patience, sensitivity, concern, respect. Establishing a home of chessed begins by looking within. Be sure your spouse is ready for whatever steps you propose – and keep in mind the inclination of a newlywed to say yes simply to please their new spouse.

This applies especially in the area of chumros (stringencies). The Gra taught a classic rule in adopting chumros: any chumra adopted bein adam lamakom (between man and G-d) should be matched by a greater chumra in the realm of bein adam lachaveiro (between man and his fellow). All chumros should be adopted only with deliberation and confidence that each is appropriate under the circumstances and is not being adopted just for the sake of chumra. And the best chumros are those that contribute to shalom bayis.

B’ezras Hashem, with proper concern for doing what is truly best, each couple will merit a home filled with mitzvos that is blessed always with the presence of the Shechina.

Conclusion

Today’s world is dominated by distractions that obscure the true path of growing through marriage according to the Torah. That path is defined by the ideal of shalom bayis, with everything it takes to create and maintain it. Practically, this means embracing the opportunity to learn about ourselves and our spouses and to discover how we can each develop our midos to merge our different personalities – with our respective strengths and weaknesses – into one unified couple sharing life with simchas hachaim.

Tikun hamidos is a lifelong process, and there are many Torah sources to study that can lead us in the right direction. Anyone who is not sure where to begin or how to proceed should definitely discuss this with their Rebbe or Rav.

Contemporary life, with its many challenges and distractions, does not make it easy to embrace this path. But there is nothing more central to our success – as individuals and as a people – than the strength of our families. We owe it to ourselves as well as to our children to make the extra investment it will take to nurture homes of simcha and shalom that are the very foundation of Klal Yisrael.

Rabbi Shraga Neuberger is a Rosh Yeshiva at Ner Yisrael in Baltimore, Maryland, and a sought-after address for marital guidance. This article was prepared for publication by Rabbi Dovid Goldman, Managing Editor of Klal Perspectives.

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