Rabbi Shaya Karlinsky

How do we achieve this so fundamental, yet elusive, goal? In earlier times, significant effort combined with the study of mussar was a classic formula. With the right guidance, it remains a wonderful system. All of Abraham Twerski’s books are excellent resources for self-study. The ones that I have found the most compelling are “Let Us Make Man,” a treatise on developing self-esteem, “Lights Along the Way,” his penetrating and practical commentary on the classic mussar work “Mesilas Yesharim,” and “On Spirituality.”

There is another aspect of self-awareness uniquely fundamental to our personal relationship with Hashem:[2] To have a meaningful connection with our Creator, we must have authentic self-esteem, knowing our uniqueness and our importance. We need to be fully cognizant of how we make a difference in this world. The source of true self-esteem is the realization that one is created b’tzelem Elokim, as a reflection of the Almighty, endowed with a transcendent neshama. For this recognition to be nurtured in our children (and in ourselves!), we must recognize and value different talents and abilities and create frameworks for utilization of those qualities to advance goals that are connected with life’s purpose. A Judaism that offers a very narrow set of avenues to successful avodas Hashem (service of the Almighty) inevitably leads those who don’t’ fit the mold to become disconnected from Hashem and Torah. We must acknowledge multiple paths to becoming a first-class Jew.

The commentaries on the verse in Mishlei חֲנֹךְ לַנַּעַר עַל פִּי דַרְכּוֹ גַּם כִּי יַזְקִין לֹא יָסוּר מִמֶּנָּה, (educate the lad according to his path; even when he matures he will not deviate from it – Mishlei 22:6) illustrate the importance of rising to this challenge, and the potential cost of failing to do so.[3] The Malbim explains that “every person has different natural tendencies… (different) ways of thinking, [and] each one must be educated according to the foundation that he has. In actions, one is [naturally] prepared for a certain craft… and he will assimilate (training for) it easily. This is identified in the lad by his passion/enthusiasm. It is according to what he strives for himself in his unique manner that you must educate him – according to his path and according to the tendencies towards which he is naturally inclined. For then, he won’t abandon it when he grows old. This will not be the result, however, if he is educated to what is against his nature.” (emphasis added).

This is a great challenge to our educational system – both because of limited resources and because of the stigma that has developed for boys who have not demonstrated success in the path of gemara learning. But this is one of the most compelling investments we can make to enable our children to grow into adults connected to Hashem and his Torah.

In seeking solutions to the disconnection felt by many, it is incorrect to presume that the focus on certain mitzvos, the study of certain texts, or the teaching of certain hashkafos will create a greater connection with the Almighty. I suggest that it will take a very different focus to identify a promising solution.

In Hilchos Teshuva, the Rambam writes:

Do not say there is only repentance from sins that entail actions, such as sexual transgressions, stealing and thievery. Rather, just as one is required to repent from these, so, too, he must examine his evil character traits, and repent from anger, hatred and jealousy, from levity, from pursuit of money and glory, from gluttony, etc. From all these a person must repent. In fact, these sins are more serious than those that entail action, for when a person sinks into these [characteristics], it is difficult to change. (Hilchos Tehsuva 7:3)

Rather than focus on the traits emphasized by the Rambam, most of contemporary education focuses on the ritual aspects of Judaism and on teaching the “correct hashkafa.” And the social dynamics of our communities only reinforce this tendency. For example, compare our community’s reaction (on a religious level) to a person not following a modern chumra (stringency) or who espouses non-conforming hashkafos with the communal reaction to a person who exhibits the negative character traits about which the Rambam imposes a requirement of teshuva.

Hilchos Teshuva can be characterized as the laws that repair our disconnect from Hashem. The Rambam emphasizes teshuva of character traits because of the major role these traits play in our connection with Hashem.

We need to teach our children how to recognize their instinctual personality traits, to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses, and to understand how important it is to develop and refine those traits. And we must reverse the myth that the Torah giants whom we idolize did not have personality weaknesses as well that required much work to refine.

The importance of character development cannot be overemphasized. A few lines from Rav Chaim Vital should alert us to the possibility that our education may be missing the foundation on which our Judaism – and the ability of our neshama to connect to Torah and mitzvos – must be built:

“…good character traits are not mandated among the 613 commandments, but they are the fundamental preparation for the fulfillment or annulment of the 613 commandments… Therefore bad character traits are much more serious than violations of the commandments themselves… The consequence of this is that one must be more cautious about bad character traits than about the fulfillment of the positive and negative commandments, for one who possesses exemplary character traits will find it easy to fulfill all the commandments” (Shaarei Kedusha, Part 1, Gate 2). (emphasis added)

We teach “derech eretz kadmah l’torah” – good character traits are a prerequisite to accepting and properly fulfilling Torah. This is why there was a period of seven weeks between the redemption from Egypt and the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai – weeks used to transform the people of Israel into a People worthy of receiving the Torah[4]. But teaching it is not enough – we need to “walk our talk,” in our schools, our families and our communities. Beginning in the home at the youngest age, following through in school, and continuing in our communal behavior, children and adults with refined character must be accorded the highest honor and sense of importance.

Refined character means many qualities: simplicity, respect, politeness, the ability to delay gratification, willingness to compromise, etc.[5] Rav Chaim Vital means to teach us that a refined personality serves as the interface between one’s physical life and the transcendent neshama, and that it is the foundation upon which mitzvah observance must be built. We already have curricula that teach correct ideology and proper mitzvah observance. But, we must ensure that it includes – as a foundation and not merely as an afterthought – lessons and exercises for the refinement of character.[6]

Another critical ingredient for developing self-awareness, and thus true connections and relationships, is time. We cannot know ourselves, we cannot know others, and we cannot develop deep connections without the investment of time. Our culture and life-style certainly make finding the time we need an almost insurmountable challenge. Beyond the simple answer of creating priorities, I believe there are two periods legislated in Judaism that provide the opportunities to nurture more self-awareness and deeper connections with ourselves, with Hashem and with others. These two periods are davening times and Shabbos. We must invest more resources in utilizing these dimensions of our avodah in the way the Almighty intended.

Davening must be slowed down, with time and energy devoted to understanding what we are doing. Proper davening is a process of introspection – putting us in touch with our selves, with our true needs, and with our Creator as the source of fulfillment of those needs. If we zoom through a 27-minute shacharis (berachos to final kaddish), or a nine-minute ma’ariv, while periodically glancing at our smartphones, we have lost a major opportunity for self-awareness. Adding even a few minutes to our rushed davening can enable us to prioritize our real needs, to recognize how our resources should serve those needs, and to appreciate how Hashem fulfills our needs. We need to view our davening as a dialogue with Hashem, appreciate the potential connection this can create, and find ways to enable our children to share this experience.[7]

Shabbos is also an invaluable gift. During the week, we are “always on” and always connected – striving to control the harried world in which we operate. Shabbos, prepared for and enjoyed properly, nurtures our ability to “let go” – to disconnect from a world that isolates us from our inner self and ultimately from our Creator. It is our covenant with G-d to declare publically that we can relinquish control of a world created by Him, and that such a world has a greater purpose. We need to spend focused, undisturbed time within ourselves, as well as with our families and our friends.[8] We must learn to appreciate why Chazal call Shabbos a “matanah tovah” – a unique and wonderful gift that G-d reserved for the Jewish people. We must live Shabbos as much more than being simply a “day off” that Judaism happened to think of first.

A final aspect of our society that disconnects us from our true essence and that creates a barrier between us and the Almighty is rampant consumerism. Consumption ought to fill genuine needs only. Luxurious indulgences numb our spiritual dimension, which is where our true selves lie. When every chosson expects a dazzling new watch, when every kallah expects to enter her marriage outfitted with a wig costing four figures, when a basic kiddush must have fancier food than used to be considered lavish for a fully-catered Shabbos seudah, when the smorgasbord at a wedding must have a variety and quantity of foods that renders the actual meal completely unnecessary, it becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, for the spiritual dimensions of our true selves to connect to anything real. This problem of lavish consumption may have been imported from the society around us but we must not ignore the corrosive effect it has on our spiritual essence. We need to ask ourselves what our consumption is accomplishing, and which part of our true essence it is nourishing. We may find that the need for such indulgences is actually the symptom of a deep, spiritual hunger – the result of lacking a real connection to Hashem. Breaking this cycle then becomes all the more important.

Many readers may justifiably think that in our society, in our culture, and in our financial system, the solutions proposed are simply not realistic. I alluded to this reaction in the beginning of the article. We have to decide whether solving the problem is worth the price we need to pay. Many people may decide it is not. I hope enough people in positions of influence decide it is. But we should not fool ourselves. As Albert Einstein is quoted to have said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”

If we want to develop a true connection with Hashem, we may need to return to a simpler life, spend time getting to know ourselves and become students of Avraham Avinu – having “ayin tova, ruach nemucha, v’nefesh shfala” – a giving personality, a natural humility, and a modest life-style.[9]